Major holidays: LO thinks she's hosting and parents will be there

LittleVolcano

My mom (LO. Moderate ALZ) thinks she's hosting most major holidays, like she used to before the dementia. We tell her that we're all going to [another relatives] house, but she doesn't believe us and wants to stay home because "people are coming over."

Do we just tell her that everyone will be going to [another relatives] house, whether they'll be there or not? Do we tell her that her dead parents are going to be at the event (because she seems most concerned about them and that they are coming over or that she is going to go to their house for whatever major holiday event)? And just hope she forgets by the time she gets there? And if she brings up her parents at whatever event, do we just tell her they're on their way until she forgets?

Ideas?

towhee

Little volcano, I hope your Easter was peaceful and that your mom did ok. Holidays are such major stressors, I grew to hate the entire time between Halloween and New Years Day.

LittleVolcano

Thanks towhee. Thanks for the kind words. :)

Vent (feel free not to read): Easter was meh. Dad had to fight to get Mom to go over to my brothers, which is obviously a drain for my Dad (as if he has any energy anymore after 5 years of his own wife not knowing him and constantly battling him as if he was a stranger). It's an unspoken rule that Dad basically passes Mom to me and I entertain her so that he can be away from the disease and socialize with the family (and I just kinda fake socialization anyway, so I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything). At one point, my other brother saw that I was going blank with Mom (I am not a conversationalist, and can only keep up the repetitive happy small talk so long) so he jumped in and took over (I really should lean on him more, because he wants to do more and is a natural extrovert who's happy demeanor is a lot more genuine than mine).

Mom petered out after an hour and a half and started staring at her watch, claiming "things to do," so Dad and she went home. My brother never has the meal ready at the time stated, so she didn't even get to eat, which is a shame because most of her meals are sandwiches so any opportunity to give her non-sandwich nourishment is welcome. I stayed and faked more socialization (playing with their dog as much as possible, cuz that's my wheelhouse), then after dessert me and my husband used our own dog at home as a valid-reason/excuse to leave (my brother and sister in law would party all night if we were up for it, but the caregiving leaves no energy for such youthful shenanigans anymore).

Yep, I wasn't the biggest fan of the holidays even before Mom's dementia, but now, there's this combative, repetitive, in-our-faces reason to hate it all even more. Xmas is far worse though cuz Dad really gets depressed. Anyway, it's April. Cart before the horse and all, ha!

Emily 123

So it sounds like it's a struggle all the way around. At some point gatherings become a challenge for the PWD to navigate, and you end up doing the holiday thing because you think you should, but really the person with dementia would just be happier to stay in. I think a lot of posters here would agree that you get to a point where it's not feasible to expect your loved one to participate in a family get together.

I brought my mom to my house like always for Christmas and New Years and she was able to do the meal and watch a bit of a movie, but was definitely ready to leave. She's just at that point. So this year onwards I'll be dining at the facility. She's just not in the moment enough now to care, and she was happy to see me, but wasn't happy to be out & away from the facility.

It might be easier to not discuss the upcoming holidays around Mom, but if they come up just agree with whatever plans she's making. On the day, do something to give dad a break while letting mom stay at home. Maybe family can tag team dropping in.

It's nice you have that chatty brother that wants to help!😃

jfkoc

I amnot a big fan of those holiday celebrations either. I just ignore them now and am just fine.

I fear that your mother is no longer in a moderate stage since she has not known her husband for 5 years and still thinks her parents are alive. Please do another analysis and adjust her care as needed.

towhee

Siblings who do not have the meal ready can be so aggravating. They just do not understand. Sometimes talking to them helps, but often they have their set pattern of hosting and cannot change it. With me it was the bathroom issue. I really wished for an upgrade to a higher toilet and some kind of arm assist! My LO could not go longer than 2 hours without needing to urinate.

LittleVolcano

Thanks everybody. :) Haven't been on the board for a while, but I appreciate the new comments.

And knowing that she's past the moderate stage is important info, thanks. I'll take a look at what this means for us going forward.