Is it Dementia or her life-long scheming?

11BProudDad

My mother is 95 and has dementia. Fortunately, she lived in an Assisted Living Group home, but not one that specializes in Memory Care. I am currently working with my mother’s physician to get medication (Seroquel) dialed in.

Her dementia is not the main cause of my aggravation. She has several negative personality traits that those around her find aggravating, and the dementia is amplifying those personality traits.

Note that these personality traits are not new. She has exhibited them her entire life:

1.     She lies, and has always done so.  When caught in a lie she simply embellishes it with new details in an attempt to excuse the behavior.

2.     When she wants something, she pesters the hell out of those around her until she gets it. When my parents moved into a retirement community many years ago, my mother decided she wanted a golf cart. She pestered my poor father to death until he gave up and bought one. Of course she never used it.  And she is a schemer. She constantly schemes to get what she wants. 

3.     She never accepts responsibility for what she says or does. When confronted, she spins a tale that – in her mind – justifies what she’s done.

4.     She is very manipulative. All her life she has used guilt to manipulate her children into doing her bidding. I recognized this at an early age, and so her attempts to manipulate me simply make me angry. My sister was not so insightful and as a result now lives on the other side of the country.

Prior to her having any signs of dementia, she was living in a very nice Independent Living facility – it used to be a luxury hotel. At that time, she had three friends who were quasi-care-givers. They took her to her medical appointments, ran errands for her, etc. Due to the above personality traits, over time all three of these friends threw up their hands and walked away, in some cases even blocking my mother’s phone number in their phones.  This has left me, her only nearby relative, to pick up the load.

About once a week she calls me with some new tale of woe – The group home is closing down, being fumigated, no staff, etc. All of these calls include:

1.  The phrase “this place is really going downhill”. And it’s not. I visit once a week.
2. Wants me to let her live at my house. That’s not going to happen either. We let her live here for 4 months a few years ago and it was an unbearable experience.

I know that the stuff I’ve read about dementia says that wanting to ‘go home’ is a common trait, but I’m beginning to wonder if  this ‘wanting to go home’ is really just her scheming, which she used to do while living in the Independent Living facility. I just can't tell.

Quilting brings calm

At this point, it doesn’t matter whether she’s schemed in the past or not. Just attribute all of her annoying and odd behaviors to the dementia. Your sanity will survive better that way. You aren’t going to get her to correct her behavior or even recognize the behavior as inappropriate. Her personality isn’t going to change at 95 if she is just scheming. In addition, people with dementia cannot learn from their experience. They don’t benefit from talk therapy because they can’t remember what they have been told to do.

As you’ve said, bringing her into your home at this point is a non starter. So just let her vent. Tell her whatever fiblet you need to to get her off the subject for the length of the phone call. ‘our home isn’t big enough, there are open stairs, no-one is home during the day, etc etc.’. Repeat during the next call.

My parents’ PCP told me that they weren’t ever going to be happy regardless of where they lived, but they were safe- and that’s what matters.

CanyonGal

Quilting brings Calm has it right, she will never be happy wherever she is. My mom is the same,constant complaining. She wants some preconceived notion of where she was "happy" last (usually her house , which was sold years ago), and back driving with a car. Basically to be independent, which due to her health issues and dementia can never happen.

She wanted to move my home, which was a definite no. I told I had no medical training to help with her health issues. We lived with her several months before she was able to get into Assisted Living and it was stressful and exhausting.

harshedbuzz

My take on this is a little different than the previous posters.

IME, this is not an either/or situation. My dad had some significant but untreated mental health issues that he was largely able to mask a lot of the time. But as his empathy (the ability to see yourself as others do) and social filters were damaged by the disease progression, it was as if his darker angels had been given steroids. When I told the mechanic we both shared that dad had dementia, the man let out a long, slow whistle and said "Dad Buzzed with dementia? That has got to be something else."

It's really hard to embrace the mantra here that it is just the dementia talking when you have heard these scripts all your life. I never got there myself, but I did realize that dementia limited the ways in which I, personally, could react to it.

In your shoes, I would take whatever steps necessary to protect your sanity. That might mean moving her to a higher acuity MCF where staff ratios could mean more interaction and engagement through activities. It might mean disappearing her phone so she can't pester except in person or getting a burner phone with a reassuring out-going message for her to call allowing you to check it when you are up for dealing with her nonsense.

HB

Quilting brings calm

HB- you described it much better than I did. Plus gave helpful tips!

JustPyrfect

HB - Thank you for this comment. I too have a hard time justifying my mothers behavior (towards me, caregivers and friends) as the dementia talking. I have finally come to the decision that I must protect myself. My mother is not going to get better, she does not think (nor has she ever) thought what she does or says is wrong and at this point its beyond being able to try to have a relationship with her.