Still the same

mommyandme (m&m)

I’m still sitting here in my “mothers” house. I haven’t moved out yet almost 4 mos after her death but I have to and I really don’t want to. It’s actually my husband’s and mine which we purchased many years ago. It sits directly behind our marital home and we acquired it as a rental and also for possibly a home for our college bound kids and/or a parent if the time came when we needed to care for them. That time came and it was a really wonderful place to care for mom. We moved her whole house from AZ to here so it actually feels like her home. She’s definitely here.

I guess I’ve been able to put some of the grief off by not clearing her out of it. I sit, doing nothing to get closer to leaving. It’s overwhelming and I feel quite scared. I want to keep it as a “she shed”, a place I can be alone as I need to, which is a lot. My husband is so patient and supportive. It’s daunting to think of going back where I don’t have space to myself really and introducing her cat where there are two big, dumb dogs. I say that endearingly about the dogs, relatively to the cat. Right now we just say this is the cat’s house, yet really it’s my place to be.

I’ve got about a month to get this place ready. I don’t want to. How will I cope? Tears fall constantly.

Ed1937

M&M, I'm sorry it's so hard. Were you going to rent it out or sell it? If not, you could keep it until you make up your minds what you will do with it. Then you can go there whenever you want for your time alone. Just do things at your own pace, and try to get some rest. I hope it soon gets a little easier for you.

I understand why you don't want to do anything. It's been 10 months since my wife passed, and I still don't want to do anything much. I have 2 totes with "her stuff" in them (other than clothes), and I still haven't even opened them for fear of the pain when I do. I don't even know why I feel that way about them. She had 2 china cabinets full of knick-knacks, and loads of books, and I don't feel that way about them.

Hope21

M&M, next month will be 4 months since my mother passed as well. May is also her birthday month. And like you my DH and I are living in her house because of caring for her the past 10 years. We sold our home back in PA and so we will have to buy a new house and try to make it home. I feel overwhelmed by the demands of handling her estate. So I am not rushing that. I work on it a little here and there. What helps me most is spending time outside daily if possible, playing music to soothe my soul and recently I started going to monthly baby showers at my church. I am reminded of the linear nature of life and all the babies make me smile.

January and Feb were really hard because my brother cried every day and my husband sometimes also. I spent as much time as I could in prayer and on outside walks. I understand why you don't want to leave yet. Let's take our time together. For quite awhile I did not want to hear from (talk to) people about my LO passing. So I texted with one friend who lost her DH a week after my mother passed. Neither of us could talk.

We also sent each other links to songs on Youtube that we found comforting. Finally last month we had a telephone conversation. Then this month my DH and I took a road trip to visit some of his family we have not seen in two years. This helped him immensely. And the miles on the road seemed to drain some of my pain as I watched the scenery go by. I will be thinking of you and praying for your journey in the months ahead.

mommyandme (m&m)

Thank you both for your kind thoughts. I just wish we all haven’t had to go through this. And after all the hardships, sadness, fears and the inevitable joys of taking care of our LO, we just have this, some sort of indescribable emptiness.

Ed, it’s been our rental for many years. We’ll be keeping it. My son will be moving in, he’s ready but being patient too. It will still be in the family so that’s good for me. I’ve always been a procrastinator but this is different. My sister died 15 years ago and I still have a black trash bag full of her clothes I can’t seem to do anything with. Im wearing some of them. The rest in the bag, I just move around as needed. I obviously have issues. 😅 Economically, not sure how long we can sustain the two homes. I wish forever, kind of. I think it will help when I get this done though. I need to move forward.

Hope21, again very sorry for your loss too. We uprooted our lives for sure. My husband stays next door at our marital home while I stay here, which is strange I suppose. Not that I care, but I imagine neighbors and family wonder what is truly happening. Some family ask if I’ve moved back yet. Nope! I do go home to take care of grandchildren daily, and bring them back and forth between homes, occasionally. The babies gives me purpose, it’s true, and lots of love, yet I still struggle and feel so tired constantly. I watched 2 of the kids while mom was still alive, now I’m caring for the 3rd too. It is a blessing… yes… it is. (i tell myself). My moms birthday month is April. The firsts are hard. Christmas I was still pretty numb since she passed 5 days prior. Maybe next Christmas will be the “first” one to feel her loss. Her bday and Easter were difficult for sure. I still have a voicemail of her singing happy bday to me years ago. I hope you can feel her on her bday this year and have some peace.

I need a vacation. I do exercise and love live music. I try to do those things regularly, besides the grandkids. So often though, I just want to be alone with my moms cat, here in her house. Ugh! I better get up and get going but I’d rather stay right here.

I love you mom, I know you’d want me to be up and moving and finding joy. I will try again today.

Shan

M & M,

I just started reading posts on this part of the discussions board since coping with the loss is just about where I am in this journey, as you probably already know since you’ve been a blessed help for me as I deal with the impending loss of my mom too. My mom is still hanging on at the hospital and we are waiting to hear about potential hospice placements if needed, no way of knowing, taking it moment by moment and living in a state of exhausting limbo not knowing how much time to spend at the hospital with her and how much time to try to still do normal things and keep my business and life from falling apart as we wait for her to physically leave us forever.

Enough about me…

I am so sorry and so saddened to hear how difficult this is for you, but I totally get it and I’m sure 4 months down the road of my journey I’ll still be feeling as lonely and lost as you. And that thought makes me cry even harder because I so very much want this heart wrenching pain to end.

I think it’s a blessing and a curse that you still have and live in the home you shared till the end with your mom. I’m sure there are moments it gives you comforting hugs and moments it causes the grief gates to flood open.

Since you are able, I think it’s good you are taking your time moving on and doing it as you are able. There is no need to rush. And you are fortunate you have family that is supportive of giving you the time you need.

I hope and pray you can come to a place of peace and acceptable where the loss and missing your mom doesn’t make your heart feel like it’s a burning hole of emptiness; for your sake and mine because it you can get to the other side of this misery than I can have hope some day too.

I am so sorry I don’t have any profound words of wisdom to share with you to help you heal and cope, but I hope there is some comfort in knowing I’m here to talk to and am sharing the same painful grief.

Please keep me updated how you are doing. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending hugs.

Shan

mommyandme (m&m)

Shan,

Thank you so very much for your support! I’m actually finally at a place where I need and want to move out. I cannot carry on this way and live my best life. As I sat vigil with my mom, I told her many times over that I would try to be a good grandmother to her great grandchildren like she was to my kids. Staying in the mental space I was diminishes my ability to do that. I cannot be emotionally or physically available to my grandchildren/children/husband while stuck here.

The big move is this coming Sunday. I have so much to do because I’ve procrastinated in epic proportions. Kind of my MO but blah blah blah. Regardless, I’m looking forward to only dealing with one home and having actually more time to do the things I want and need to do. I’d love to travel a little, oh my, what a novelty after 3 years.

So I’m looking forward, happily, after 5 mos. I know my mom and sis are cheering me on, along with my family still here on this earth with me. Time does help, so keep the hope. Thank you again!

PS: I actually tried to write yesterday then I deleted by mistake so I gave up. Now writing this today seems untimely with the news you lost your mom. I’m very sorry and hope you can find the peace your mom would want for you. Keep in touch.

Hope21

MM,

Our journey is one that we must bear alone and leaning heavily on our faith in God. Our tears are precious to him. That is why He saves them. For Mother's Day, I went to see Mom's last sister in another state. We cried together and hugged a lot. Hugging seems to absorb some of the pain we feel. We must take as much time as needed to decide about moving and so relieved to see that your moment has come. There will still likely be a few tears but you will keep moving forward. I am glad your husband and family are near and supportive.

Shan,

I began reading a book called, "Good Grief" by Granger E. Westberg about 4 months before my mom passed. It is a very thin book, but it's topic makes you not hurry. I read a chapter or two a week and looked at some of the pictures. I played a lot of music for Mom and also for myself both in the hospital and even on hospice. I spent about 4 -5 hours with her each day during her short stay in hospice. We scheduled other family members to come at different times. What I appreciated about the book was that it gave one permission to grieve and cry with no time limits. It also caused me to think about some things I had not thought about before. About a month after the funeral, I went back and read the book again, very slowly. Now when I think about her during this Spring, I remember little things about her that make me smile as I have just begun to slowly clear out her house. And I am now able to give thanks that her pain is over. Be gentle with yourself and don't compare yourself to others. We all heal at different paces and in different ways. Coram Deo

Ed1937,

I have an Ed also and I can't imagine ever being apart. Keep connecting with us here and we will listen and send you "silent hugs".

mommyandme (m&m)

Well… I moved out.

Shan

M&M, I’m guessing moving out is the epitomes of bitter/sweet. So congratulations is not an appropriate response and “I’m sorry” also falls short. So instead I’m sending blessings and hugs as you bravely navigate this next chapter.

I apologetically have been absent from these discussions since my Mom passed just over 2 weeks ago. It’s been a whirlwind of funeral arrangements, packing her remaining belongings so MC can reassign her room to the next family walking this terrible path, grieving, and trying to find my mom’s dog, Angel’s next home. I know I said it couldn’t be me, but surprise… it is. But that’s a story for another day.

Today it’s about asking how you are doing with this new development. I hope you are taking lots of time for yourself but also surrounding yourself with your grand babies and other family and things that bring you happiness as you move through the pain and loss. Please keep us updated on how you’re doing. Wishing nothing but the best for you as you move onto hopefully happier days.

mommyandme (m&m)

Shan, thank you again for your support! I’m doing alright. My moms cat (my cat) is also doing well. I’m very glad I decided to keep Tasha, as my mom asked me to do so over and over again, when she was lucid enough. Even though I tried to reassure mom she’d be here long after Tasha was gone, that wasn’t the case. Her cat brings me comfort and I hope Angel will do the same for you for as long as you keep her. I do have a plan B and C for Tasha but I’m trusting I won’t need them.

my thoughts are with you and yours, this is just really hard! I’m very sorry!

Hope21

M&M , Tasha the cat is a precious companion during this season of life. So glad she brings you comfort.

I made it through my Mom's birthday and am slowly thinking about her life, as I distribute the items from her will. She was always a generous person. When I find certain little things, long forgotten, I give thanks for her life and a little laugher erupts. Praying those moments will come for you too.

Shan, how I wish I could give you one long giant hug. Those first days and weeks are so numbing. This path is very much a terrible whirlwind!! May you hold on to that one person or "Tasha" that brings you peace.