by Ed - Life after losing someone

Ed1937

Next week will mark 10 months since my wife passed on. The evening of her funeral, I received a call from a woman we've known for more than 50 years. She and her husband have divorced, and she asked me to come down to Mississippi to spend a couple of weeks with her. I'm in Indiana. I was speechless, and I haven't talked to her since.

On another site, I recently mentioned that my wife passed, and another woman said she is looking for a new friend, and suggested that we meet. Not long after that, another woman who lives in the same town as I also wanted to meet me, and said her husband died 4 years ago. I have never seen either of these 2 women, and they only knew about me because of 1 post they saw from me. This struck me as a pretty risky thing for them to do when they've never even seen me. Maybe this is more common than I thought.

What made me think about this is because M1 wrote something along the lines of his partner would be really hard to top. I am not close to being ready to consider meeting with another woman, although I could be at some point. I don't know. But if I ever do, I wouldn't expect her to match up to what I had, and I wouldn't try to match the husband she lost, if she had one. One day at a time.

Iris L.

Ed, some older women are lonely and DESPERATE to meet a nice man. Even one not so nice, as long as he is not a serial killer. (I am not desperate. I know I can never replicate my husband when he was in his good days.)

M1

Ed, at your age (I'm still younger :?), women outnumber men by a long shot. That's probably part of it. but I agree it's kind of shocking, and definitely risky. I go back and forth, I am very aware that I am over-isolated and will have to make an effort to keep life going, but I am not in the market for a new partnership and don't know that I will ever be. Platonic friendships with both sexes is what appeals. I try to remind myself to remain young at heart and that there may still be a new chapter in front of me with wonderful people in it yet to be discovered. But I don't feel it, I feel old, and tired, and worn out, and sad.

Quilting brings calm

Ed, my MIL was married at 16. Her husband passed away after a 50 marriage. She later dated a very nice man for several years until his death. They had set days of the week that they would be together and other days were for friends, etc. I don’t think she wanted to marry him, but she was the type of woman that didn’t feel complete unless she had a significant other. After his death, she would point out men in her independent living facility that she thought were interested in her. She died in 2019 at age 87. I think you are hearing from women like her, whose identities are wrapped up in being part of a couple.

I think it’s part of the era the women grew up in. I don’t think the women who are now in their 60s feel the same way because we were raised to be much more independent. Many of us lived out on our own before marriage, and feel we can do so later in life

Gig Harbor

Possibly they have very little savings and are looking for someone to care for them financially. Women definitely don’t get approached that frequently. Someone told me about life in the retirement parks in Florida. It is a standing comment that when a wife dies the casseroles start arriving for the widower and many men don’t stay single for long.

harshedbuzz

Ed-

It's really hard to say.

I've always heard it said that those widowed in happy marriages were more likely to remarry. It's as if they are looking to replicate a partnership and feeling of being important to someone. Perhaps that old saw doesn't apply to a widower who has survived the unique losses and trauma associated with dementia and is, as a result, gun shy.

That said, someone coming out of divorce, which is a different kind of loss, is/maybe looking for a do-over or second chance to obtain something they wanted.

I do think availability plays into this. When my parents were still snowbirding in central FL, dad could have had all the action he wanted. He was well into the midstages of dementia, socially unfiltered to the point of cringe and far from the handsome and well-groomed lothario he'd once been.

HB

Ed1937

I didn't really expect to see any replies to this thread. I was just putting my thoughts down. But there were some pretty interesting ideas about this. Thanks!!

jfkoc

While I miss what I had intensely I don't think I have the energy to make another go.

LJCHR

Ed, I was widowed at age 56 - my first husband had a sudden heart attack and died at age 58. We were married 39 years. Having been there before, for me, it was the loneliest lonely. When you go from a couple to a single in a flash. I was fortunate to meet my current husband. We dated a year and have been married 14 years next month. It has been wonderful - and now he has dementia. The thought of being alone again is terrifying, but I have had 2 wonderful marriages that I am very thankful for. However, I am 74 now and I will live the rest of my life with those memories.

You have to go with what you feel - who knows what our future will be. It's not wrong to want a companion to share things with. Good luck with what you decide.

LadyTexan

I am now 58. I am not adverse to being alone. What is so miserable, is being without DH Jesse. I miss him, not being part of a couple.

DH Jesse told me when he was still verbal and cognizant that he wanted me to find someone else after he was gone. I simply can't imagine, opening my heart to anyone but him.

CStrope

For me personally, I've always been very independent and have had to take care of the greater share of things in my marriage. Now that DH has dementia, I really have to take care of everything. I look forward to dinners and conversations where I'm not stressed about all the responsibilities I have to get back to at home, and, I'm not afraid to go looking for someone to help me create that situation. I've spent way too many years caretaking and not enjoying life. I'm not about to sit around and wait for the perfect moment to come along to continue to enjoy the years I still have. Maybe that's how some of these women feel. They just want to enjoy life, and their not afraid to jump into unchartered waters to do that.

ladyzetta

Dear Ed.

You are a perfect gentleman, and it shows in all your caring postings. But now It's time for you to take extra good care of yourself and life will lead you. I have been a widow now for 5 years and I have no plans on being anything else, at my age working on a relationship is not something I want to do. You Just need to relax and let life take you to your comfort zone. Hugs Zetta

PookieBlue

Good post, CStrope.

I think post dementia, we should just take life as it. Seek out companionship or don’t. If it leads to a more intimate relationship, why not?

JudyMorrowMaloney

Ed, I think its in poor taste for someone to be hitting on you so soon after your DW passed away. People need time to greive and adjust and there is no set timeframe for that. Personally, I won't be doing the dating thing after my DH is gone. I just don't have the desire or energy to take the time to get to know someone else. I'll just be happily single.

Josie in Podunk

Oh, Ed. What a shocker for you. I can empathize with your feelings.

It brings to mind my mother (21 years my senior) inviting (more like insisting) me to come to a Senior Social at her church after my first husband died…I was 51…because she said I needed the social interaction. And, she was right, at least about that part….I was so devastated that I just did not go out if I could avoid it.

Lemme tell ya….this short, round, greying me suddenly felt like fresh meat in the butcher shop. I have never, ever garnered so much male attention in my life! I was stunned.

And, the women? Heavens, you would have thought I was Jezebel incarnate. If looks could kill I’d have been burnt to a cinder…or been eaten by piranhas.

So much for making friends.

Told mom that it was a one off for me and thanked her kindly for the offer. I went into counseling a couple of months later and learned to live contentedly alone. I figured if my mom could make a happy life for over 20 years of being divorced so could I.

I was not looking to even date when my Handyman came along, we became good friends, and then life took a surprising left turn. 31 years happily married the first time and coming on 20 with the Handyman…I don’t see me doing a repeat whenever he passes. I have a small circle of very good also widowed friends and my family to turn to when that time comes. I do not imagine my life with another partner a third time. I sincerely do not think I have the spoons left for that.

Being alone is hard when you’ve had a wonderful marriage like yours and all the memories that go with it. I wish you peace as you move forward in your life. Your wife had a very special person in you and the care you gave her.

ElaineD

Dear Ed,

This is very common behavior for older women to reach out (sometimes very inappropriately) to a newly 'single' (read 'eligible') man.

I have heard so many similar stories and the experience is often upsetting to the newly single man! One of our friends was called, out of the blue by a women he did not know. For years, she had watched him walking by her door each day to catch the bus to work. When she read that he was now a widower, she called him and asked him to meet for coffee. He was confused and dumbfounded.

I used to say to my husband that if I was hit by a bus, the line of women at his door would extend around the block. The fact that he was tall, handsome, highly educated and could fix anything and lay hardwood floors made him highly attractive.

I know you are appalled Ed, and rightly so. But in many way this reflects on you very well. Remember that a good man is very hard to find in this world. And as I read your posts as your cared for your wife and grieve for her, I can tell you are a very good person.

ElaineD

Jo C.

Ed; a nearby large gated community for seniors, mostly quite elderly individuals here in SoCal, has over 9,600 residents. It is a community where due to aging the females far out number the males.

My mother and step-dad lived there for quite a time. Have to say; whenever there was a death of a wife, the surviving husband was inundated with females coming to his home to see how he was doing and calling and trying to arrange outings to events. The casseroles and other food brought to the door were often legion in number . . . . it was often a tribulation for the poor male if trying to be polite while also trying to stop the onslaught. It got to be a running point of humor for the neighbors witnessing the dynamics.

This is a common occurrence. It even happened after my middle aged brother's divorce. Very often, there are financial security issues which my brother found happened all too often. Loneliness does come to mind and also the neediness of being taken care of. It is really unpleasant and pretty off-putting in many of the circumstances.

You are a very kind and dear person and of pleasant countenance as your photos have shown. Hang in there and if all else fails . . . . RUN !!!

J. (Grin.)

toolbeltexpert

Ed thanks for this thread.i read everyone's comments. Some go one way and some go another. As I have said before dw and I talked about the what ifs and how we would want the other to move forward never really thinking this would happen. Never thought about Alzheimers and how that changes life. Now being alone for me is like just running the clock out. I want more, so many of us want that other person in our lives to have some meaningful conversations. I had joined a couple of dating sites to try to find that person. Well if you put your current situation in life in the profile just forget it, damaged goods, everybody says they want this or that out of a partner. Well I changed my profile and left out the details, big difference. Of course once I start actually talking I feel the need to make it clear, I am married,not looking for fwb and it maybe possible for a long term relationship. But my dw is my dw not gonna change. I wouldn't ask someone to stop living their children or grandchildren they would care for them just like always, it's the same with my dw. There are some folks on here I would love to have a cup of coffee and be with and have and share with. M1 being isolated isn't a piece of cake I know that, now I live at the end of an area subdivisions that all flow past my door. I have gotten cookies and cars with older women stopping to welcome me to the hood. It is nice. I had my sister and husband here for the last 3 days. We went to Nashville and I was gonna stay the day but when I got there the ac belt failed and it was possible the other belt was gonna fail. So I cut the ac belt and limped home. And that empty feeling of being alone flooded back in, I hate being all alone, I hate Alzheimers for taking away my dw of 45 years, all I can do is put one foot in front of the other and carry on.