Caring for 2 parents with cognitive issues!

mlowe6

I have 2 wonderful parents who I truly want to love, honor, respect and give them the best quality of life I can possibly give them in their final years. My Dad who suffers from concussive syndrome just lost his drivers license on Friday and that truly broke my heart because he just doesn’t understand or comprehend that he is no longer a safe driver. He treats me wonderfully but when it happened my mom tried to blame me for everything. As for her condition she has failed 2 cognitive tests and is in complete denial as to her dementia. At times she can be fine at other times she will ask me up to 7 times in 2 hours what day it is. I have to go over her schedule everyday even though I keep a calendar which is always caught up to date on her dining room table. She has started saying things like people keep stealing all my stuff when I’m only aware of 1 thing that is missing and it may just be misplaced. She is beginning to get hostile towards me which is very hard to handle because she has always been my best friend and it really hurts. She also suffers from sciatica and neuropathy. She stated while my dad was taking his medical driving test that she didn’t want to do the driving. I really feel like their car needs to be taken away and have been counseled by the professionals to do so but I know they will go ballistic. I have tried to get them to go to assisted living with the help of Medicaid and I do have a full POA on them but honestly I’m kinda scared if I make them go or take away the car they may cry elder abuse. The Dr has ordered a sleep study, MRI, and another updated cognitive study for my mom. They don’t do their mail make phone calls anymore or do any financials. It has become a full time job and my own health and immune system is now suffering. I just don’t know where to go from here.

mlowe6

:| :'(

mlowe6

I hope this posts correctly.

M1

Welcome to the forum; it's posted just fine. Everyone is struggling with the new (April 9) website format currently.

So difficult to have both parents affected. Many here will say that safety needs drive the caregiving, and that sounds like where you are. You need to make these changes FOR them; you are not doing it TO them. You didn't cause them to have brain failure (that's how I think of it, on the same spectrum with kidney failure or heart failure). I don't think anyone with any sense will see it as elder abuse when the safety issues are so huge. Remember--especially about the car--if one of them has an accident despite being told not to drive, you/they could lose everything they have. Period. Not to mention the devastation of getting hurt or hurting someone else.

Sounds like you need to move forward with your plans for AL and let the chips fall where they may. The timing with your dad losing his license gives a good rationale to present to them, but don't expect buy-in, they can't reason any more. I wouldn't even discuss it, just do it. Are you an only child, or do you have siblings who can help? Very hard on only children.

Good luck, I am sure that others will chime in. All of this is extremely difficult and there are good supportive people here.

mlowe6

I am the only child my brother died 4 yrs ago so everything falls on me. I’m their only living relative from here in Indiana to California where his younger brother who is 18yrs his junior lives. He is one of the people who counsels people in this area of taking care of elderly people and he said the car needs to go. They will be done paying for it in June. My thinking was to bring it to my house till it was paid for then sell it and put the money aside for their caskets so they don’t have to be cremated which is their desire for burial. They keep their little bit of money in an accessible area which I feel is unsafe and that is the one thing they could lose of value. It’s like they won’t let go and let us put in our 6 ft safe for them so it is safe. I think my mom is slipping out $20- here and there for spending on stuff especially when she doesn’t want to cook. If I say anything she doesn’t like or look at her wrong she bites my head off and unfortunately my skin is not thick enough for this. I just don’t think I can do this and tell them listen this is what needs to happen because of their denial and then it puts more work and pressure on me and my immune system. We are trying to get them more help but everything just seems so complicated.

mlowe6

Ttt

marthad1

I moved my parents from Ohio to 1 block from me here in Florida last year. They will be 101 and 93 next month. It was tough, very tough to move them, but I couldn't force them to move earlier. They both have dementia, but my mom is generally very easy going (unlike the past), and my father seems normal, but the paranoia, anxiety, etc. is getting worse and worse. Having taken a crash course so to speak with them, and read several books on deeply forgetful people/dementia, here is a little bit I can share that may help someone.
"she will ask me up to 7 times in 2 hours what day it is" - MLowe6, you mention maintaining a calendar... my parents couldn't follow a calendar, even with Xs on all days that already happened. I bought a smallish magnetic whiteboard which is on the front of the refrigerator, that might look something like this - it has worked great. My parents really read it daily.
MONDAY 86°
9 AM Mary - medicine
1 PM Be completely ready and waiting outside to go to Doctor
5 PM Mary - Medicine
Garbage pickup tomorrow morning
CAR - this is a tough one and I had it easier because my father on his own quit driving years ago, then mom took over. When I moved them, they got Florida IDs, and her drivers license was obsolete. I did move dad's car down, so it was a comfort to him to have around. They are paying for gas and insurance, but only I drive it. THIS MIGHT HELP you, if your state does this. Call the DMV and tell them your parent should no longer drive, some states will then send a notice for that parent to come in for a driving test, but your parent will not know you called the DMV, unless you told them (don't).
As for the approach on assisted living, I don't think anyone can keep their car if they are on Medicaid, thought all possessions are given up for Medicaid. But I'm not sure about this. Try giving them choices, can they afford some in home care, to avoid assisted living, do your homework if they would qualify for Medicaid, the more you know and the more people you talk to, the more you can make knowledgeable decisions. It's exhausting and at times terrifying, but try to relax, set boundaries and as I learned over and over and over, don't expect to be able to reason with them. But do be kind as much as you are able, and find ways to get to the right decisions. Call the Alzheimer's help line, I did just recently - it helps.

suedavis3

I am new to the group, my mom has dementia and Parkinson's, they couldn't live alone anymore so we had them move into our home, they lived up north and my older brother lived in the same town but wouldn't help them nor would his wife . She doesn't like my mom nor me. So my dad couldn't handle her alone that's why their with us now. I love them both so much and I feel horrible for saying this but it's not easy dealing with them both. It's been almost two yrs now and my 85 yr old step dad's memory has gotten bad and I can tell and he also says how he wishes he wouldn't wake up anymore. Mom can be hateful and not nice alot and is jealous that he my husband and I get alone good so she takes it out on dad and me. I can deal with it , she's always taken jabs at me once I became a adult lol but she's told me several times that she was hoping to die when she moved in with us and hates that it hasn't happened yet! Dad likes to now try n pick fights with me because he hates it anytime iam right about something, iam trying hard to deal with them both but his health is good but has become very lazy, not cleaning up after his self at all now even tho he sees everything is nice and clean I just don't know what to do anymore and don't want to sound mean . He has made he completely dependent on him to even walk , we bought a alarm for her chair so if we leave and he falls asleep he can hear her getting up but has taken it away because he hates the sound! I get her to use her walker but he won't make her use it , and acts so frustrated with her when he has to do anything for her even tho iam right here and do a lot for he when he don't want to get off his phone looking stuff up all day. Sorry for venting it's way to long I know so I'll stop . Has anyone else have this happening?

2parents/brain change

Hello I am not an 'expert' by any means, only a listening ear and one who is from Indiana. Medicaid does not pay for Assisted Living. AL sounds like the perfect answer to so many issues but it's not an answer to much, unless finances are very strong and the people are generally strong too.

Try contacting the County Aging Society in your area of the state and get started on gaining factual information regarding senior care. Not having family around to help would be brutal. If you have friends, or other connections close to you, try asking for support in any way reasonable.

And Alzheimers' Association consultants are very, very helpful.

Take care or yourself and get the facts as soon as possible!