Vitruvius: Seven months since DW's placement and I'm adrift

Vitruvius

It's now been seven months since I placed my DW. This became necessary as the stress of taking care of her lead me to the ER. 

I visit every other day, but she is now on hospice and barely acknowledges my presence. My guilt stems from this: I retired to care for her, but could no longer care for her at home, so now I have a lot of time each day. Her placement should therefore give me the opportunity to spend my time productively, doing things I know she would encourage me to do if she was still "normal". 

But I find that I have absolutely no motivation to do anything useful. I force myself just to do minimal housework and only the most urgent repairs. I barely take proper care of the dog we got just after her diagnosis as she expressed a strong interest in getting him and I thought it would bring her comfort. I do sometimes bring him to visit her and she responds positively to him, so getting him is still a win. And his goofy nature is good companionship for me it seems. 

So I placed her and I do little, why couldn't I keep her with me and care for her? Yet from the first day of placement she was calmer and noticeably less agitated after leaving the triggers of our home. She is very well cared for by the MCF aides who truly seem to care about her. I know these things, I know that her placement is positive for her, and being home with me wouldn't be better for her, or really matter to her now.

The notion we had of a great retirement of traveling and fun, and growing old together was something we carried for years before the diagnosis. Now it's gone and I don't know what to replace it with. I am barely 71. Where do I go from here? Why am I making her horrible disease about me? [These are rhetorical questions, I don't expect any answers.]

M1

Oh vetruvius, i could have written this. In fact did write a very similar post last weekend and then didnt post it. I totally get it. It's been a year for us, and I'm barely functioning. I'm now facing a facility move which is a good thing and will almost certainly be an improvement, but the energy it will take to accomplish it is daunting.

Know you are not alone my friend and fellow traveler. I wish i had more to offer. I think healing from trauma and grief always takes longer than we anticipate, and course our trauma is ongoing. if the minimum is all you can manage right now, let it be enough. It's good enough. I tell myself the same on a daily basis.

W.L.

Well, you're making it about you because it is! My DW is 14 months in MC and we are both suffering from this disease. I sometimes wonder who is the worse for it. She seems happy, content and well cared for and for the most part doesn't realize she has dementia, I can't forget.

I could no longer care for her at home, (I had my own health issues) and am miserable without her. I have no motivation to do things either, I cook because I have to eat but there is no joy in it. I, like you, do the minimal cleaning because it needs done. I watch more TV than I ever have, I think I'm just marking time.

Am I trying to discourage you, NO! Just trying to assure you, you are not alone. we all have this disease and at least for me, I live day to day doing the best I can.

If it weren't for my faith in Jesus I don't know how I could bare this.

You will be in my prayers.

Quilting brings calm

Part of it is recovery from trauma, exhaustion, anticipatory grief. Part of it is depression

Part of it is just the change from being super busy all day long to having all day. There is no sense of urgency to get something done because there is always tomorrow to do it. So whatever it is can wait. This part is something that normal retirees talk about too.

I can lose myself in a tv show and binge watch it for hours. Or I can read my kindle. The housework isn’t done until it gets on my nerves.

Joydean

Vetruvius you have been through so much. Fighting that skin disease and everything else. I hope you can just take a little walk with your dog , that’s something. Be kind to yourself, one minute by minute! Prayers for you and your wife.

Ed1937

I fully understand the lack of desire to do anything. After my wife passed, I didn't think I ever would want to do anything again. It's been just about 10 months, and I'm now doing things that need done because I have no choice. I'm just waiting for my own end.

Crushed

DW was placed in October 2017 She was 65 and psychotic and wandering . but declining fast By summer of 2018 she had no idea who I was. Its now 5 years later. I am 72 She is 70 in a wheelchair with essentially zer cognitive function but not yet eligible for hospice. She was 20 when I asked her to marry me . We worked so hard for so many years.

Covid hit in 2020. but I survived

I can afford DWs care in a very good place without sweating, I have two fine daughters and 5 wonderful grandchildren. My solar energy installation is working very well. I am at a friends house on a beach in North Carolina trying to figure out what to do with my life. I give a lecture next week and I'm writing a paper for a conference . I have three firends or relatives with Parkinsons . I went to Germany to follow up on paper I did last fall. I am trying to find joy in life. I even go to dinner with various ladies for company and conversation.

but some days all I can do is think of my lovely brilliant public spirited wife and rage at the Universe