I love my mom, but my dad is my hero

AC1979

I'm at a loss at this point of the "right" decision. My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 5 years ago. I moved a few states away last year when my father began calling and asking if it was possible for me to come back. I have 3 worthless brothers that live an hour or less away. I finally came home in January after hearing my father cry for only the second time in my life. The difference a mere 8 months makes.....
In the few months I have been here, she has almost burnt the house down, tried to eat broken glass, defecates on the floor, is violent, loud, 87lbs, extreme delusions at any given time....I mean the list just goes on.
The hardest thing is to see her screaming at my father. I worry for both of their safety. My father is 85 and my mother 80. He is not understanding that she won't "snap" out of it. I have involved their church and a close RN friend of the family that now takes my mother once a week while my father attends Men's coffee at the church. We finally have one day a week where he can get relief and God willing someone to talk to about these things. All of the posts I've read I can relate to and my heart aches for anyone having to deal with these things.
My mother has always been dramatic, controlling, and insistent. She has also always been my biggest cheerleader, comfort, and source of courage. Right now....I just wonder if her desire to "go home" is her willingness going down, and how much it's effecting her. I guess I'm not actually asking anything, because it seems we're already taking the steps to be taken. That bathroom shower idea was a good one; I'll be snagging that. I guess I'm frustrated because I feel like I'm putting my life on hold once again for a situation that has a determined outcome. Frustrated I have to see this powerful man be brutalized day after day and finally after hours of our day being consumed with chaos, she has a light come on, starts her singing and dancing, and we have to reset like nothing happened. Wow. A home is a no go with her aggression, and at that there are only two local; both with waiting lists and sorry sights. Re-modelling the downstairs now to hopefully get an in-home caregiver, but that will be a process in itself and I'm not sure how long this situation can last. Cheers to all who get your loved one in the shower this week. Thank you for letting me have a place to vent....sigh....I miss my life lol It feels far away and like I'm suddenly 20 years older. Any suggestions are appreciated and beyond welcomed.

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Emily 123

It sounds like she needs a reassessment by her doctor and to have her meds adjusted. What kind of doctor is managing her care? If it's a PCP then a referral to a neuropsychologist or geriatrician would be more appropriate.

Like Victoria said, everyone's suffering in this scenario, including your mom who's trapped with a brain she can't control. Her desire to 'go home' is likely her looking for a feeling of peace. You could end up with your dad ill because of the stress. If that's the case, what will you do with mom then? If the answer is to move your mom to care, then maybe that's something you all should be assessing now as a reasonable alternative.