I need help now.

ElaineD

Dear Alz Friends:

RIGHT NOW My DH is at a car dealership trying to buy a car, trading in our current car! He has gone off the deep end, folks. I can't EVEN walk, I'm so disabled, and he's calling me all excited about the thousands of dollars he's going to spend!

In our 61 years of marriage all of these decisions have been made together. And now he's suddenly decided to buy a car!

Just last week he had a brain scan that showed "total global volume loss" from "chronic small vessel ischemic disease" which means frequent mini strokes in his brain, resulting in tissue dying.

I am terrified and can't do anything. Of course he shouldn't have credit cards, or car keys, but this just happened in a blink of an eye!

I called our son and he can't help, won't help, bottom line he isn't any help at all.

I guess I just have to wait and see what ensues. This is beyond me. I can't even make a plan.

I know you can't help me either, in real life, but I know you understand how scary this is for me, and how helpless I feel.

In a blink of an eye DH has changed.

And I feel so alone because he's the one I always counted on to help ME.

Oh well, 'accept the things I cannot change'.

ElaineD

Jgirl57

Call the dealership right away and the police department . Hopefully others will have advise to give

Quilting brings calm

A car purchase normally has 72 hours to be reversed. You should call the dealership, identify yourself, tell them your spouse has dementia and cannot legally enter into a contract. If you have a lawyer - call them.

call the bank and ask for a block on any withdrawals to go to the dealership

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ImMaggieMae

I agree with Jgirl57. Call the dealership, call the police. He cannot be allowed to drive because if he were to get in an accident and harm or kill someone, you would be responsible given his recent medical tests. You could lose everything.

AnnieM

Call the dealership. Speak with the manager and explain that DH has Alz.

ElaineD

I didn't know what dealership DH went to. We live in a very urban area with many car dealerships. I had talked with DH while he was at the dealer several times (DH got angry and hung up sometimes) but I tried to stay calm and reasonable. I honestly didn't think DH knew the name of the dealership. He kept trying to describe the car he liked there and he couldn't tell me the year the car was manufactured or anything else about it. DH is truly lacking in executive function.

My message was that we really didn't have the money to buy any car, and that the car we currently have is fine, it just needs the air conditioner fixed. We had the air conditioner replaced in March. It developed a leak, which was fixed, but once again last week it stopped cooling. I kept calmly repeating that since we paid $1,700 for a replacement air conditioner that isn't working, the first plan is to go to that repair shop and get help there. It's been in the high 80's here.

After I calmed down I called DH AGAIN. Lo and behold! DH was at the auto repair shop discussing the AC and he seemed to no longer be determined to BUY A CAR. Whew! I guess he didn't 'buy a car' after all. DH seemed much more reasonable.

But I know I need to address several issues NOW before the next crisis (and the next and the next.....)

Credit Cards and Checkbook: How in heavens name do I take these away? Everything we have is in joint accounts. I understand that there are legal obstacles to unilaterally removing someone from a joint account, even if I had the strength to tell him that he can't have the cards and checking account. He won't care about the checking account since he never writes checks, anyway.

And since I had to stop driving in 2016 due to my disability, DH is the only driver. But he clearly is rapidly approaching the time he must give up his keys. His appointment with the neurologist isn't until November! I really need a good neurologist NOW. I thought we had time, and maybe we do, since he no longer seems determined to 'buy a car'. But now I know the whole thing can lurch into weird high gear again, and again.........

I must figure out how to arrange medical appointments for me, figure out how to pick up RXs from drugstores (most of my RXs are mail order, but some are not).

I'll call his PCP and see if she can get him an earlier appointment. The Duke Neurology clinic sounds very good and thorough, it even has a Neurologist specializing in movement disorders (like Parkinson's). It has a medical staff of over 60 professionals!

So there is a light at the end of the tunnel, or is there? Something tells me that doctors don't 'take over the hard stuff, either. I thought my son would when the going got tough, but he didn't.

I've read here time and again that in the end we must rely on ourselves, not friends, family or even professionals.

I'm so very disabled. But I need to empower myself, pick up the phone and make stuff happen. I've done this all my life, and I don't need to be able to walk to do this. I can do this and I can make life for DH safe and positive, as well.

I need a new perspective, that I can HELP DH at this time of his need. Even if he doesn't know he has this need.

ElaineD

Quilting brings calm

- I understand that there are legal obstacles to unilaterally removing someone from a joint account-

What you can do is move the money from a joint account to an account in your name only - and do so every month as soon as deposits come in. The money in a joint account belongs to either of the joint owners. My step-dad took it upon himself to do exactly that with money in the joint account he has with my mom even though he’s never written a check without help in his life and has never used a computer. The bank didn’t blink even though I had recently been added to their account to do the bill paying. Even though they knew we were moving them out of state for medical care, they helped him move the money to an account in his name only.

Ask your pharmacy if they deliver to your assisted living facility. If they don’t, ask the AL what pharmacies do deliver there.

Ed1937

Elaine, I know you are disabled. If I'm not mistaken, you referred to DH as your caregiver. He has no business behind the wheel, but please be very careful! This could possibly escalate to physical aggression. You need to call your son again, and put it to him straight. He needs to help with things like this. No excuses from him. I wish you luck.

M1

Elaine I’m sitting here reading this while waiting on a haircut. Do I remember correctly that you have another adult son too? Sounds like time for a family conference

loveskitties

Elaine, if you are in the USA, you should contact your Counsel on Aging in your county. They will be able to help you with contacts for getting to medical appointments, drug store, etc.

You should also contact all 3 credit bureaus and put a freeze on any loan applications. This should keep hubby from making any contract purchases. If you find that you need to make such a transaction in the future, it is easy to undo for a single purchase or in total.

harshedbuzz

My dad wandered away from my mom’s bedside and financed a Taurus for which he paid full MSRP when she was still dithering about normal signs of aging.

Had she contacted the 3 major credit reporting services to freeze their credit as I’d suggested, it wouldn’t have happened.

Do you have POA for him? He’s needs a caregiver, if you aren’t up to it a Plan B needs to be implemented to find caregivers for you both.

HB

Sunshine2024

I’m sorry this is happening. You could lock your credit card accounts with an app, if you have one.

Pharmacies will deliver by UPS, too.

I would call that dealer and talk to the manager and tell them your attorney will be the next to call. Agree with calling Police, too. Make a little noise 😀

You are stronger than you think and can be successful over the phone!

Sending some luck your way!!!

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ElaineD

Dear Alz Angels:

DH did come home and he did pay attention to what I was saying on the telephone! Even tho' he was hanging up on me at times.

He left the dealership and took the 'old' car to get the AC fixed. Which is what I wanted. Why buy a 'new' car just because the AC in the old car isn't working? And both of you are over 80!

So DH seems to have calmed down. I did call my son, during this episode. DS wasn't very comforting or any help to me. But DS did call DH and apparently emphasized that we don't need another car, just fix the one we have.

DH WAS upset that I had called DS, however. I just have to listen to DH be angry and not say much....he didn't really want my input, anyway. He was just upset.

He does get over these episodes, however. He used to pout for days when he was upset, but now with the onset of VD he forgets to be upset and therefore doesn't pout. I'm grateful for anything that brings peace.

Anyway, things are calm now....but I know there will be bumps ahead as his VD progresses.

Elaine

Jo C.

Dear Elaine, I am glad to hear the last episode ended in a better manner than with a new car. Whew! I am deeply sorry for the stress that being disabled adds to managing the dementia dynamics; I can understand how difficult that must be. It really seems to be time that your husband should not be driving any longer; he is a significant risk behind the wheel. Don't know if you saw it or not, but one of our Members wrote a Post to share that her DH got into an auto accident and not only was he sued; SHE also was sued due to the fact she knew he had dementia and had not removed DHs access to a motor vehicle and let him continue to drive. A warning to all of us in its own way.

A big issue if your husband can no longer safely drive; how do you get your meds, to appointments, etc. That must seem like a significant and unsettling challenge. I wonder; whether or not if you belong to a place of worship, even if you don't, you may try calling local churches and speak directly to the Pastors. Relate your situation and that you are looking for a person who can do errands such as prescription pick-up or transporting you to the doctor as needs arise. There are often church members who do that sort of service; some at no cost, others for a low fee. Sometimes Senior Center staff will know of people who do this. If you have someone you know or who you can find who can do this for you as the needs arise, it will be one way to meet those needs and not have your DH driving. (DMV needs to be notified about his diagnosis; they may want to re-test him.)

One more thing: Please do freeze the accounts at all three credit reporting agencies in both of your names. This way, no loans or other access can be made to make loans, or see your credit, etc. You may also want to get a copy of the credit reports from all three agencies in both your names just to see what credit access is open. I was stunned when I saw my LOs reports from all three agencies. No less than 16 open credit accounts - Yikes!

If you cannot remove the credit cards from your husband's possession, or cancel them as that would affect you; I wonder if you can somehow damage his credit cards to they will not be usable if that is acceptable to you. If he is no longer trying to buy and buy and buy, that is no longer an issue, but just in case, he should not have open access to high credit, dementia and no impulse control being what it is.

A lot of worrisome challenges at hand; I can imagine you are not only stressed, but pretty exhausted having to be on high alert all the time. Please continue to come here and talk and let us know how you are. We are all here in support of one another and we truly do care.

J.

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M1

Elaine glad to hear your update. Wish there were a way to take the calm moment and make it proactive. I am truly disappointed your son(s) are not stepping up--(at least not like I think they should, as if my opinion mattered). I worry about you and am glad when you post to let us know how things stand.

Ed1937

Gotta go along with Victoria. It's really important.

eaglemom

I am glad that this ended in a good way. In my mind, and I'm sure yours, it certainly could have ended in several very badly. Badly for you, your DH and anyone on the road while DH is driving.

One thing you can do via the computer is to set a limit on the credit card(s) he carries. For example anything over $100. you will be notified via text. At that time you can 'accept' or 'deny' the charge. That is an easy fix.

As for you son not stepping up to help, I can relate. Our son can't / won't accept his dads diagnosis, so we've not seen him in 7 yrs. Not heard from him in 4 yr. He lives 25 miles from us. Of course he won't admit his dad's diagnosis is the issue, so instead he blames me. So I understand when kids / adults turn their backs on their parents when they need to step up to the plate.

You've gotten good advice here. Probably some of it seems harsh. No one wants to see your DH harm himself or anyone else by driving. No one wants you hurt by that either. You are at a cross road on exactly how to proceed with things for the both of you. Pharmacies deliver. Grocery stores deliver. Amazon certainly delivers. These are things you seriously need to be looking into. We all do care.

eagle

harshedbuzz

Elaine-

I am glad for you that this crisis was averted, but I agree with the others the bigger issue is the risk of him driving not wasting money. I say this as a daughter who lived through an elderly mother (vision issue- doctors said she was OK to drive-- I asked) having been sued for causing an accident in which someone was injured and the daughter of the man with dementia who pissed away $350K day-trading. The money would have been nice, for sure, but I only lost sleep over the repercussions of the accident on my mother.

Do you know for certain that your insurance policy would cover him in an accident with a medical history that includes dementia? It was one of the first calls I made when my mom caved into dad wanting to drive not long after he was diagnosed.

One additional caveat about the potential for a lawsuit, is that these can take some time and that the period between the accident and resolution could be years. My mom's accident was in April 2019. She was served papers in the fall of 2019. She was deposed just before COVID shut down the courts. The case wasn't settled until October 2021. A PWD can progress quite a bit in the space of the 2 1/2 years it could take for a case to come to court. Imagine how your DH would present to others by that point in time.

I am sorry you feel unsupported by your sons. Perhaps I am projecting, but could they feel as though you need to take the lead on this as his spouse. I know my mom really struggled with this emotionally-- enforcing the no-driving rule felt very emasculating to both of them. But that was her role as POA and next-of-kin. If she had predeceased him, I would have done it. I did all I could to help- I parked his car at my house before we sold, drove him anywhere he wanted to go and even found a buyer for his car.

HB

Lills

DH and I were married for 46 years. He was the leader; I was always the sous chef. I'd like to say that I took the lead early in his illness but looking back, I was late in the game. I guess I was reactive rather than being proactive. I was 'thinking' of how to not let him drive (back in 2017), that is, until he left the car running in our attached garage. The car may have been running for at least an hour before I discovered it. I reacted. When he got lost in the neighborhood while walking, I reacted and never let him walk alone again. Again, had I listened to the little voice in my head that DH could get lost (same neighborhood for 25 years), he wouldn't have been lost. He didn't make the house payment...I should have been proactive and taken over banking before we were charged a late fee. There are a million more examples of when I was reactive and not proactive.

It was a huge learning curve for me to be the leader and not wait for DH to cause some kind of an incident, etc. May point is that once I took (total) charge, I actually was more secure and felt calmer.

In my case, this phrase rings so true : "When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in."

 Lills

ImMaggieMae

I’m so glad that he’s home and didn’t end up injuring or killing somebody or himself with his car. It only takes one little mistake behind the wheel to change your lives and the lives of countless others. Allowing a person with a dementia diagnosis to drive makes all of you liable when he is sued. Talk with your auto insurance company if you need clarification on this.

As Eaglemom mentioned, almost everyone delivers these days, and it isn’t expensive in most cases. I save a lot of money by placing my grocery orders online. There isn’t as much temptation to buy things that aren’t really needed and often overpriced.

This is something you really can’t put off.