By Mommafour: New Adult Day Care Experience

mommafour

I finally dropped DH off this morning for his first day of Adult Day Care. I've had to call it a "Senior Activity Center" because he would refuse anything to do with "day care". He kept asking why he had to go and I explained the purpose is for good health, socialization, and to help the boredom he complains about. I handled it the same way as dropping my kids off for first day of school, attempting to generate some excitement about making new friends, laying his clothes out the night before, etc. He was very apprehensive and had a negative attitude, while at the same time being compliant and going along with the plan. In DH's case, since the VA is paying for most of the cost, there are many veterans also attending. This seemed to make him comfortable and he is proudly wearing his Marines cap today. Also, I looked at their calendar and chose a day when the lunch food is something he likes and when there will be live musical entertainment in the afternoon (something he loves). When we walked in, the men were sitting around a table coloring as an activity. He gave me a huge frown and I thought he may walk out. Fortunately, the staff was great with him, made over him (which he loves), and one of the men stood up to welcome him to the "group". I only stayed for a couple of minutes and told him that I had to leave and what time I will pick him up. He thinks I'm at work and he can't call me, but I didn't tell him that I took the day off because I desperately needed a day to myself. This is just a "trial day" but in reality I need to be sure its permanent for 3 days per week while I am at work. I still cannot get the picture out of my head of the look on his face before I left, like it was his first day of pre-school and he didn't want me to leave (thanks for the guilt trip, DH). I feel extremely fortunate that my employer is working with me on my crazy new schedule. I work for a Fortune 100 company in one of their legal departments and wouldn't expect any flexibility on policy (they haven't been known for that in the past), but my boss is surprisingly offering flexible work hours combined with working from home to care for DH. Now, all will be perfect if I pick DH up and he tells me all about his "wonderful" day. I doubt very much that will happen. I do already have a plan in place to make him think that his providers at the VA Hospital clinic has orders for him to keep trying this out for at least a month to get used to it (a big fiblet), which I know he will take seriously.

Vitruvius

When I got my DW into a daycare program she didn't always like it, especially at first, but the program was terrific and they knew how to keep her distracted and engaged in activities far more than I could do at home. It was a bit of a struggle for a few weeks, but she eventually came to expect it as part of her routine. They always told me that she was happy and actively involved while she was there (after the first week or so). Her biggest issue about going was actually not about the program, but she didn't like leaving me, I was her anchor and she resisted going some days, but when I picked her up she was usually in a very positive mood. So just be aware that your DH may actually enjoy the program while he is there but still resist going because he is apprehensive about leaving you. 

Unfortunately on days she wasn't in her daycare, she actually seemed a bit more agitated, I think because she now had expected it as part of her routine.

mommafour

Vitruvius - thanks, that's a good point. I don't think DH realizes how much he depends on me but he does show it in his actions. I've noticed that when people ask him a question, he looks to me to help him respond. Other than while I am at work and he is (or, was) at home alone, we are always together. Being somewhere without me is a huge change for him.

tigersmom

Mommafour, it sounds like this went pretty well. My DH started in February, only one day a week, and it is finally getting better, but the progress has been slow. His biggest issue was his separation anxiety from me. When he can relax and forget that, he has a great time, because he is a very social guy. But it was a real hindrance in the beginning, and sometimes still is. Hang in there and keep trying. I do think three times a week is better than one; some folks have said that the adjustment is slower when they go less frequently. A month ago, we started him on a very low dose of Celexa, an antidepressant, and that seems to be helping with the separation anxiety, too.

mommafour

I'M IN SHOCK!!!! I picked up DH and was afraid to ask how he liked the first day. I expected the worst because he tried to call me 5 or 6 times during the afternoon (I didn't answer). I also called the director mid-day to check in on him and she said he was looking out the doors and windows and kept asking why he was there. But, the staff would redirect him and he was participating in all activities and seemed to be fine. As soon as he got in the car, he said "I loved that place. It was very enjoyable. When do I get to go back?" I cried as I drove home because that was the response I hoped and prayed for. He even said, "Life is good". I thought I picked up the wrong guy! Another example of how unpredictable things can be with Alzheimer's. This resolves about 80% of my stress....for now.

mommafour

tigersmom - your experience is exactly what I expected with my DH. I thought there would be a long period of adjustment, and I'm still being somewhat cautious. My DH also has some separation anxiety when I'm not with him. I think his many phone calls to me this afternoon was due to that issue. I initially planned to start with only 2 days per week but my daughter convinced me to schedule him for 3 days. I'm glad that your DH is starting to adjust and hope his progress continues.

Jgirl57

That’s wonderful !!!!

Joydean

So very happy for you and your dh!! I wish there was a “day care “ available in my area, especially if there were veterans there. Sadly there are none! I hope he will continue to enjoy his new friends.

PookieBlue

Mommafour, Vitruvius and Tigersmom,

I like this discussion as I need to do something to keep my sanity. My DH is very introverted, never had many friends and has become totally dependent on me for everything. The only place I go by myself is to get my hair done every 8 weeks. He is alone with the dogs for 2 hours, and I worry the entire time that he will let the dogs out unsupervised or he will fall and hurt himself. It may be time for me to look into Adult Day Care. I also will have to call it something else.

tigersmom

Mommafour, I am thrilled for you. This is a home run -- I don't think you could have asked for a better outcome! Got my fingers crossed that it holds fast. And PookieBlue, I would encourage you to see what's available in your area. I put this off for too long; I guess I couldn't admit to myself that my DH would a) benefit from it and b) actually needed it. Call it whatever works -- we go to the Senior Center for him to see his new friends. I never use the words day care. Some people find it helps if you can convince him he's going there to help out. The aides and coordinators will be happy to play along.

terei

AND even if your LO says ‘I dont like it there’. Take it with a grain of salt. You will get a more accurate answer from the staff at the senior center about how he did while you were gone. Nine times out of ten, they did just fine so just keep taking them there. YOU are in charge, not the LO.

JDancer

Thanks for sharing your positive experience. You've inspired me to look into day programs for my husband.

Ed1937

Mommafour, that's great!! It's always good to read about the things that have a positive outcome. Thanks for the update.

Jeanne C.

Today is day 2 of adult daycare. I have used some of your tips. I told a fiblet (that I need to drive to the philly office for a meeting) to get him there. We set out clothes together. I wrote him a note to read after breakfast. And I'm taking your advice to stick with it. 🤞

Thanks everyone!

Edit: 11:30 am: he called me to tell me they were discussing computers and that he's glad he stopped by today (but I should still pick him up later)

ghphotog

Very similar experience with my DW, (and my mom) The both resist going each week but comply and when I pick my DW up about 5P she is all smiles. My mom, not as much but she does it.

I only wish it wasn't so expensive and I could take them 3 times a week.

Ronk246

How expensive is it? I expect I need to start looking at that as well.

PookieBlue

I contacted a nearby center that offers adult day care of which I know nothing about. They were very prompt with returning my email and request for information. They will be sending me a brochure. She did say DH would need a physical and doctors order. She said something about a $600 punchcard and $20 per hour. DH can be dropped off at my convenience with a little notice. Also, I could get a tour of the facility and a nurse assessment that can be done then. I was hoping DH wouldn’t have to come in for the assessment as I am going to refer to Adult Day Care as Activity center. This arrangement would be perfect for me. Not sure how DH will react to it. Thought I’d just drop him off without saying much so he won’t have a chance to mull over it.

Valerie

ImMaggieMae

Mommafour, that is wonderful news! It just goes to show how unpredictable this disease is. The interaction and socialization with the others will probably be good for him. And the break will do wonders for your state of mind.

Ed1937

Valerie, call the facility, and ask if they would send a nurse to your house for the assessment. Explain the situation, and don't forget that they would like to have your $20.00 per hour. You might be surprised at what can be done simply for the asking.

PookieBlue

Ed, The assessment will be questions just for me thank goodness. Otherwise I’d have a hard time explaining to DH. The wording on my post was not clear.