New to this

buggirl

My mother has late stage dementia. My dad has hidden it from the world (family/medical) my mom was sent home on hospice care now. At home. Myself and father main caregivers. Hospice comes 3 hours a week. Issues: mom gets irate and combative when we try to change her. She sleeps all day and awake at night so I get zero sleep and working full time still from their home. My dad tells a care giver we can get here once in a while she can go home as he can take care of her. Etc. Do not only dealing with her and her hallucinations,paranoid, combativeness, bedridden but his denial of reality. So hard. Not sure what to do

M1

Welcome to the forum, I know you must be exhausted. Makes me wonder if your dad has his own cognitive issues? That's not uncommon. Regarding your mom, I would ask if there are any inpatient hospice facilities near you; or consider whether she would be better cared for in a nursing home with hospice support-that would at least take the day to day caregiving off of you. Talk to the hospice social worker about this and don't be shy about telling them that you can't do it like this any more. You have to be taken care of too.

When you can, it also sounds like planning for your dad is in order. Do you have power of attorney for him? You may eventually need it (and medical POA too). But one thing at a time.

harshedbuzz

@buggirl

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but glad you found this place.

I had a similar issue with my own parents. My dad was the unpleasant agitated PWD, but my mom was the really challenging one early on.

Two things that really helped me were-

• Getting dad on a cocktail of medications to relieve some of his anxiety and take the edge off his paranoia. He had hallucinations but for some reason those didn't trouble him for the most part. I got mom in to see a psychiatrist for meds to address her depression/anxiety as well. Then I found an IRL support group for mom where her "peers" told her all the same things I had been suggesting-- they got through where I had failed miserably.
• Tough love. My mom went through a phase where she was working counter to dad's condition and inciting his aggression which meant I had to go to their home and put the fire out several times a week during his sundowning. I finally had a CTJ with her saying she needed to do things my way or find another helper and I pulled back. She came around.

It's not unusual for men of a certain generation to use their adult daughters as caregivers while calling the shots themselves. Sometimes this is about some notion of this being womens work. Sometimes it's about avoiding the costs of professional care. You may not be able to change that kind of rationale this late in dad's life, but you can opt out. Instead of being available daily, offer him a couple days a week and do a drive by visit when it's convenient to check on your mom.

HB