House/Posessions Struggle

Klako

My dad is in AL and I know he can never come home. He does not and almost four months in still occasionally asks about how long he has to stay there. I tell him the fiblets if I don’t know, doctor has to decide etc. I am fine with that but do get uneasy as I fear there will be a day that he just adamantly wants to go home. I have POA and Healthcare POA so all of that is in order.

My struggle is that he has a home and possessions and a car that I am going to have to get rid of probably while he is still alive basically behind his back. This just paralyses me. I am afraid that if one day he does insist on going home there is no home to go to but further that I am getting rid of his stuff while he is still alive and thinks he is going home. I know we can never say he will never go home. There is a lot to get rid of there and I know we need to start which my husband is trying to push me to do. I just find it so hard to make the first step and just keep thinking how wrong this all feels. When someone dies, they don’t need their stuff anymore. I know he will not ever use his stuff either but how do you emotionally get over the hump and move forward in this process?

Just struggling with this right now.

Quilting brings calm

Start by cleaning the home. Empty the refrigerator and freezer.

Next, start sorting through everything. Discard trash, broken items, stained items, etc. if there are extras of anything, find a home for it. A relative, a close friend, a charity, a consignment shop. If there are obsolete items( a VCR with no VCR tapes on the house for example), get rid of those. Since he is AL, not memory care or a nursing home - bring a couple sentimental items to him there for a while

All the above are things that you would do to ease clutter etc if he was able to come home. So you won’t have guilt for doing that or be conflicted about telling him. I think you will find the next steps ( getting rid of meaningless stuff, then sentimental stuff, then the house) easier to do if you just get started.

M1

QBC does give you a good place to start. But: do you need the proceeds from the sale to finance his care? That is where push may come to shove. You could also start with the car--relatively easy to sell, and it certainly sounds like he will never drive again.

This may sound harsh, but if you have POA, then the only one who could decide for him to leave AL is you. Hard to realize that no matter what he says or "insists" on, he doesn't really have a say any more. And very hard to make that shift in your thinking, especially with your parent. But you are the parent now, hard as that is.

Emily 123

It's so hard, but your dad lacks the capacity to do that for himself, and can't use logic anymore to understand why it has to be done. Let's say your dad, pre-dementia, was the POA for a friend in the same boat. Wouldn't he agree that the friend's no longer usable posessions should be sold to provide care for the friend?

Perhaps the finality of this feels intimidating. It's ok to grieve for his losses, but there's no point in spending his money on house & car upkeep when he can't use them, and it's not in keeping with the fiduciary responsibilities of the POA. If he had some other disease, where he could no longer drive or get around his house and had to downsize, then the decision would be easier, right? So this is an issue of you wanting dad's permission and buy-in, which he can't give you anymore. But your dad made you POA to protect his best interests, including carefully handling his financial resources.

I would say that if he's gone along with the fiblets so far that he probably will continue to, or at least not be focused on it and can be diverted-it sounds like you've done a good job so far.

A couple of suggestions: First, put aside any sentimental things you or the family will want. Set a time limit on this.

Also ask brothers/sisters/hubby/friend to call the realtor to get a guesstimate of market value, or look on Zillow for the estimate. You don't have to commit, but get a feel for the market.

You might want to ask those folks to check on the blue book value of dad's car online. We used Carvana, and that was pretty painless. Or maybe you have a likely younger family member who could use a good cheap used car. Or just take it to a dealer. There's a big market for used cars.

Then start on the smallest, least sentimental room--bathroom or a closet. Set a time limit on yourself for how long it should take.

There are charities and also second-hand shops that will come to your dad's and take some items. We put my mom's charity items in the garage and they came and took what they wanted, and then the rest of the things went into the garage for removal. Everything should go, unless you have the time & temperment to run a yard sale or putting it up for sale on eBay. Our neighbor's dad went to AL and they put usable things by the curb with a 'free' sign and it was picked pretty clean.

I know it's hard. We had a timeframe for my mom's lease that was about to run out, so that pushed us along.

BookBuffBex

@Klako I had to do this recently and it is HARD!! I am an only child and moved both parents (together) to AL in November 2022. I said exactly what you did - how guilty and weird it felt to be making these decisions about their stuff while they are still alive. It is a grieving process. It is a struggle to know that you will have to do it twice (now and again when your LO passes). I set a loose deadline of 3 months to clean out their condo, which was a cluttered disaster. I needed to sell it to have the financial cushion needed to pay for AL. My mom is in the "early" stages of ALZ/dementia. My dad has other health issues that make it impossible for him to be her caregiver and also care for himself or a home, but mentally he is mostly with it. The move to AL is a huge downsizing and very hard to get rid of a lifetimes worth of "stuff". I had to have hard conversations with him about what to keep and what to get rid of, but did not let him actually come back into the home to help. DH & I spent almost every weekend for 3 months sorting through stuff, figuring out what to keep and what to donate. I did a sort of "open house" where I invited family (all my husband's side) to come and take anything they wanted - furniture, dishes, pots, books, etc. It didn't get rid of much, but it makes me feel better to know that stuff is going to places where it will be used and appreciated. I have a room in my house currently filled with their sentimental items. I tell them that I will have them over to go through it and figure out what they still want, but the reality is that most of it won't fit in AL. I donated what I could myself. It was too overwhelming for me to deal with trying to sell or consign stuff, so I had a "junk" removal company come and take it all. They sell and donate what they can and trash the rest. I had to absolve myself of the guilt of what might happen to certain items (like an upright piano). I researched the value of items as much as I could, but none of it was worth the effort of trying to sell or transport to consignment.

All of that said, here is my 2 cents:

• Do small things like cancel the cable/internet service. Turn down the heat. Clean out the fridge and any food from the cabinets. This will help you get used to the idea that no one is living there.
• Get moving boxes and/or Rubbermaid type containers and some big trash bags. Start sorting items into "Keep", "Donate/Sell" and "Trash". Take the keep boxes with you, leave the donate/sell items in the home, and throw out the trash (or put in a separate room to be thrown out later).
• Acknowledge that it is hard, take breaks as needed or limit the amount of time you spend going through stuff, especially the emotional stuff (photos, mementos, cards & letters, etc). It's hard to not go down a rabbit hole with some of the memorabilia - put it in a "Keep" box and save it to go through later.
• Let your family and friends help as much as possible. Think about what tasks you can assign them and what you want to do yourself. Let them fill bags with clothes to donate, or go through the home taking down photos and boxing them. The emotional toll makes it hard to be physically strong, so let others do as much of the physical heavy lifting as they can.
• Talk to your husband about your struggle and what he can do to help. This might mean he changes his expectations of what you can do in your own home. We did ALOT of takeout during those weeks of cleanout.
• If you can, be honest with your father about what you are doing. If he has memory issues that keep him from understanding, then keep it simple - "Dad, you live here now. I'm watching the house, keeping your stuff." Say what is needed that will help YOU move forward in the process. It is a grieving process.
• If he questions specific items, bring those to him (if you can). My mom's long term memory is still intact so I made sure to bring specific books and decor to AL that she remembers their origin. She forgets they are there, but then when she asks what happened to those items I can point to where they are in their apartment. She accepts that I am "storing" the rest of their items for them.

Good luck . . .sending hugs.

harshedbuzz

@Klako

I am sorry you are struggling with this. This is some of the most difficult stuff I have ever done. Dismantling and disposing of the material objects on behalf of someone who is still living is just upsetting. I downsized my parents out their homes in FL and at the beach moving them into an apartment and then into the 2 BR home in which my mom lives as a widow. I also helped my guardian aunt clean out and my favorite auntie's home when she went to MC as well.

I know you would like to put this off, but your POA obligates you to act prudently in regard to your dad's financial life. Your dad picked you to act of his behalf when he was in a better place cognitively. You are doing this for him-- not to him.

I would suggest you start this in smaller pieces and bring in assistance as needed. I would start with the car as it is an expense in terms of insuring, registering and maintaining it as it loses value assuming it isn't some sort of classic or vintage vehicle. We sold dad's through webuyanycar.com which was incredibly simple. They also offered us more than twice what the dealer did. There are other companies that do this and spare you having to interact with human buyers. You can start the process online and wrap it up in the office in about 10 minutes. I actually bought my aunt's car; I had to pay fair market rate for it so that might be an option if you know someone looking for a used car.

Can your husband, friend or other family member help you? I'd get consumables and important papers out of the house to start. You can donate unopened food and cleaning supplies to your local food pantry assuming it has not reached its sell-by date. Clean out bathroom cabinets, too.

If there are other family members, you should probably reach out to them about sentimental objects, furniture, pictures, tools, household items, etc. We did this with my aunt-- mom and I traveled to ME to meet my cousin and guardian aunt 3 times for 5-days each. It was a massive property and auntie had a tendency to keep her things. Once that is done, you might consider hiring an estate sale service. After we'd gone through auntie's house, looking for cash and valuables, we brought in a man who had a side business selling antiques and furniture. He pulled up with a crew and 3 trucks-- the good stuff went to his showroom, the decent stuff went to Goodwill and the rest to the dump. My aunt even got a commission on the things that were auctioned.

We needed to sell my parents' properties to fund dad's care and a home for mom. I sold the place at the beach first which meant staging and repairs. I donated some of the stuff from this house, set up a temporary apartment with some of it and put quite a bit in storage because I knew mom might want some of it eventually. This relieved me of having to make so many decisions.

I rented their place in FL for the season and also listed it for sale. Renting might be an option is you want to do this in stages. I was able to do this by hiring an amazing Realtor who did the heavy lifting for me. The folks at the beach had been morons so this was a much easier process. I didn't even travel to FL until the week before I signed the settlement documents. We sold the house turnkey so I only had to clear out person items and arrange for transporting cars north.

HB

BassetHoundAnn

Hello, Klako,

Cleaning out the house and getting rid of a LO's possessions while they are still alive is definitely one of the hardest, most heart-breaking tasks we face as caregivers. At my mom's AL facility staff told me that many families assure their loved ones for years that their house and possessions are still waiting for them, and they don't tell them that they've sold the house. Even that is a heartbreaking thing to do.

I assured my mom for years that all her keepsakes and collectibles and dishes were stored at my house, and that we could go sort through them at any time. That seemed to placate her. Many of her treasures were in fact in my basement, so it wasn't a total lie.

Still, each time I donate or give away some of my mom's former possessions in order to clear the clutter out of my own house my heart aches. Downsizing for someone you love is a horrible task and a gut-wrenching process no matter how you do it. Doing it just feels wrong, but you have to remind yourself that this is in the best interest of your parent.

Since my mom lived in another city I hired one of these local companies that specializes in elderly downsizing. The service was expensive but ultimately worth it. I was so overwhelmed with caring for my mom and straightening out her affairs I didn't have the energy--or time to be running to another city to sort through her house.

I started by going through the house to gather papers, valuables, family keepsakes. The downsizing service then went through the house searching for more family keepsakes and photos (of which there were plenty). They delivered these things to my house, along with some things my mom specified. Then they packed up the house, delivering to consignment or auction houses things they thought would sell. They donated what they could, and disposed of things like old mattresses. I even hired them to clean the house so I could put it up for sale. The whole process took maybe two weeks, and the house was on the market. Since my mom was paying exorbitant property taxes it was important to get it on the market fast.

As I said it was expensive to do it this way, and for a long time I felt so very guilty that I had packed off most of my mom's treasured possessions to the Goodwill, but in retrospect I realize it was the best thing to do.

Ed1937

I'm sorry this is such a hard thing to do. You have excellent replies above, and I can't add to that. But if you have siblings, you might want to consider involving them in any sales of his things. Or at least give them the opportunity to have their say. You don't want anyone to say you didn't handle it properly, or that you gave things away that had substantial value. Of course the final decision is yours, but you want to keep peace in the family.

Klako

Thank you everyone for your very thoughtful answers. I do not have any living siblings. My only sister passed away last August. So as much as it makes it easier not to have to worry about someone else, for me it also makes it harder to be doing all of this on the emotional side. My husband is very supportive and will help but the emotional side is me. Starting in non sentimental areas is a good idea and seems doable so I will do that. I cannot ever be thankful enough for all of you and this forum. It has helped me immensely and every crazy step of this journey. From the bottom of my heart thank you.