Moving my dad into MC

mems2al

We are moving my 94 year old father into MC. I don't know how to tell him this. He won't remember the conversation 10 minutes later and will get extremely agitated in the moment. The thought of taking him there and leaving him is tearing me apart. I hate thinking of him being there all confused, not knowing where he is or why and missing his little dog and wondering where my mom is. She passed 10 years ago. I don't know how I'll be able to take him there and walk away and I just don't know what to tell him.

M1

Welcome to the forum, but I'm so sorry, this is very hard and the older they are, perhaps the harder it is. My partner (age 82) has been in MC for a year now and we are getting ready to change facilities, so I am thinking some of the same things about how to handle the move.

Let the staff give you some advice and help you--remember this is new to you, but they've done it a thousand times. Probably best not to say anything ahead of time--you're right, it wont' serve any purpose. But they will help get him in and distract him while you slip out--big goodbyes are also not recommended. Sometimes folks enlist friends or relatives to help, saying it's a new place for lunch. Sometimes good to time it right before a meal or an activity so that those things can occupy him.

They will also help you figure out when to visit--sometimes it's best to give it a few days so that he will bond with the staff. Hopefully they will communicate well to let you know how it's going, those first few days will be hard on you too.

good luck, others will chime in.

harshedbuzz

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your need to be here but happy you found this place.

What you are facing is truly a sad and painful task. I would say it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. My advice would be to not mention the move. Make all of the arrangements and preparations for the move behind his back.

Then create a fiblet (therapeutic lie) to explain the outing on the day of. You can reach out to the facility about strategies and to get on the same page to keep the story consistent. The activities director suggested a meal or snack time-- we picked Tuesday just as they did ice cream snack and a live music performance.

Mom and I told dad he was seeing a new doctor. He was always down to see a new doctor who might agree to let him drive again. Once we got to the facility, the activities lady swept him away from us and planted him between 2 of the more friendly and functional residents and shooed us away to sign paperwork. I'd kitted out his room the day before to look like a nice rehab-- over time we brought in pictures and such to personalize the space more. By using this story, we were able to kick the can when he started asking to go home saying only the doctor could decide when he was ready.

Other families use different stories that work better for them. For a person who lives alone, having work done around the house is a common ploy-- the sewer main is being replaced or the house tented for termites, so he'll be staying in this nice senior hotel until the work is done.

I would also recommend having a wingman. If you have a sibling, spouse or child who can go with you that would be great. If not, could a friend meet you in the parking lot of the facility after the drop-off?

HB