Mom

loulabelle

My Mom passed away in January and I'm still having a hard time getting over this. My brothers are mad at me because after taking care of my Mom, no help from anyone, for 10 yrs I couldn't do it anymore. They are mad because I put her in a memory care place. She had to pay cash and my brothers were mad because it was using her money up that they thought they'd get. They haven't had anything to do with Mom for 20 yrs but came around on her death bed with their hands out. I can't bare to go thru this all the time. Such guilt that I put her in there.

Ed1937

Loulabelle, I'm sorry it's so hard. No guilt! While I don't think you owe any of your siblings an explanation, maybe you should consider copying the post you just wrote, then email or text it to them. Unfortunately things like that happen more often than we would like to believe. And if you want, you can copy my reply too.

Hope21

Loulabelle, I am truly sorry for your pain and lack of support from the brothers. I want you to know your Mom appreciated everything you did for her. My mom passed in January also. My DH and I cared for her for 10 years before moving her to a memory care home. She couldn't talk by the end but every time I visited she responded to my touch and my voice. The tension would leave her face and her body would relax. I bet your mother was the same way. When you have given your utmost, you can push the guilt feelings away with this "self-talk reminder" --I gave everything that I had. Then breathe in deeply and hum a song that relaxes you.

We all have family, we are not proud of. It's OK to step outside your family for the support you need and deserve at this time. I reached out to a friend of mine who was overseas setting up a home for girls being sold into slavery. She was a lifeline to me via emails. She is back now. Remember we only need one person who truly cares. I will be praying for you to think of that one to connect with, or for a new one to emerge.

ghphotog

I hear you. I've been taking care of both my mother and my DW with dementia, alone, without much help at all, especially from my brother. It sucks that I have to ask friends and neighbors to help. Given, my brother lives in another state but he won't take our mother in and look after her even though he fully knows what I'm dealing with. I told him I had to put our mom in MC and he was going to pay for it. After years of of doing this by myself I also could not take care of my mom anymore. Well it's costing him money out of his retirement, what little he has but that was his choice.

At least my wife's family fully support me when it comes time shortly to place my DW in MC.

LovingAwareness

They simply don't understand what you went through. Nobody who has not cared for somebody with dementia really gets it. My own brother let me go on that way for years as the water got hotter and hotter around me. He came over most Saturdays so I could go to yoga class and go grocery shopping - the only time I ever left the house - and he thought he was doing his part. And then after he finally moved in during the pandemic to help with Dad's care and was finally immersed day after day without end, he told me he was sorry for not coming sooner and admitted that he had not really understood what was happening here. It brought us closer together and now that Dad is gone we are drifting apart again a bit, but I think we'll always have a stronger bond because of what we went through together. Your brothers really don't know, so I guess all you can do is tell them that her care needs were beyond your capabilities and you could no longer keep her safe. You held out as long as you could without putting her in danger. They were lucky they had you working for them for free for 10 years, especially if they finally inherited anything at all. Without you, there would surely have been nothing left. If there was nothing left, they should know that without you there would have been nothing left much, much sooner. The important thing is that you know it and believe it and that you give yourself the space to heal. It takes a while to reorient yourself to living your own life again, I'm finding. As long as you don't need your brothers to do that, maybe just let it go and try to find some joy for yourself again. Even something simple. Yesterday I went to the mall and bought a dress. It had been so long since I had gone shopping for clothes or worn anything but sweatpants and cat t-shirts that I had no idea what to buy. So I bought a dress - simple, one garment, and it was a pretty color. After that, I got Bubble Tea. Bubble Tea wasn't even a thing when Dad first got sick and I didn't even know how to drink Bubble Tea. I didn't know if I was supposed to swallow the black tapioca pearls and I didn't know I wasn't supposed to peel the plastic cover off the top of my cup. So I watched the young girls around me and deduced that I was supposed to stab my plastic cover with my pointy straw and sip and that it was okay to swallow the black pearls. I'm out of practice with something simple like going to the mall, buying a dress and getting a treat. It feels kind of good to do things like that again. Be good to yourself. Your Mom would want you to have some fun now.

Hope21

I absolutely agree: "They simply don't understand what you went through. Nobody who has not cared for somebody with dementia really gets it. "

It is definitely OK to now "take care of yourself and let yourself heal". It is not overnight, but it does come. Engage in what soothes you --long walks by the lake, bike rides, favorite music, and definitely think about an occasional massage. Know that you are a kinder, gentler soul who truly understands what it means to be human and humane.

ChicagoGal

Dear Loulabelle - I moved my Mom into MC as well and she passed within two months of being there. I think of her every day and wish I let her pass as home. But at that moment I was so worn out and frightened - she did not sleep at night, had sundowners every day, was walking out of the house, caregivers were a story in itself. My brother lives out of state and wanted her to stay in her house but did not come to help me when I was "falling apart" from exhaustion. I tell myself that I made the decision that I did because that was the best/only option at that time. I hope my Mom is in a better place now. I do miss her though.

VKB

loulabelle  my mother passed from end stage dementia in quite a few years ago, but I do not think we just "get over it." We will always miss them. Life is not the same without them. There is a hole which cannot be filled in our hearts.

Sometimes we beat ourselves up thinking what we should have done or should not have done. Yes, I do this too. I have a personal relationship with my Lord Jesus so I know I am forgiven, no matter what. I try not to dwell on anything I feel guilty about. I just try to change the subject in my mind.

I prayed for you. Hoping you find peace. And remember, we are not perfect. We are just human, after all. Oh and don't let what other's think disturb you. Again, just keep trying to change the subject in your mind.

Peace always, VKB (Veronica Kelly Badowski)

NC Girl 23

First, let me say I am so sorry for your loss. I agree—we never really “get over it”. My Mama passed away October 2020 from a massive stroke that left her unable to swallow, speak, or function. She was at home for two weeks prior to her passing. Then, my dad had a TIA two weeks later and a significant stroke Christmas Day 2020.

We spent the next six months driving to therapy for him to walk and function somewhat independently. Although my husband and I saw them every day and lived directly behind them, we didn’t realize how much Mama was hiding and compensating for his Alzheimer’s (diagnosed five years prior) until she was no longer there. Adding the dementia from the stroke further exacerbated the symptoms.

I quit work (early retirement) to care for Mama and then my dad. My husband was my only support, despite having a brother who lived beside us. For two and a half years, we cared for my dad through another stroke and worsening Alzheimer’s and dementia. I was really never able to grieve the loss of my Mama, and now I am trying to get the estate straightened out while grieving them both. It seems like a fresh and open wound every time I try to clean out parts of the house or deal with the estate.

I feel for you and know how hard it is to face every day thinking how we could have done things differently, but we have to believe that we did the best we could for them and need to carry on by trying to heal ourselves by helping others. Take care and know that the mother who raised you and loved you is very proud of you and the care you provided.