Newly dealing with MCI

LindaKS

Hi. My DH has started to display MCI for a few years now. For the most part he functions well. But the occasional lapses always concern me. I want to prepare myself for what may come, and seek advice, especially when I might have to correct his faulty memory. Much thanks.

Another Day

Is he to the point of arguing with you after seeking your help? Mine is. DH needs my help but is angry that he does. He "may" reach a point of wanting to tell you how wrong you always are and how he is the only one who knows anything. I'm there. My DH asks for help then argues about what I do or tell him.

I wouldn't worry overmuch if it's just an occasional memory lapse, you'll know when it steps up and he needs more assistance.

Denise1847

Hi Linda,

My motto about correcting faulty memory is to let it go unless it is going to cause some kind of harm. I always ask myself "what does it matter?" People suffering from memory decline fear that they are losing control and sometimes will want to argue about stuff to make them feel better.

Vitruvius

By far the most important thing to do now is get your legal affairs in order while your DH can still sign documents. There are many posts about the need to do this. You need a DPOA and HIPPA release at the very least, more things like a trust might be considered as well. If you think you may ever need Medicare for DH, you absolutely must see a CELA now. Several of the folks here, such as Crushed, know far more about this than I do so hopefully they will weigh in.

Also be vigilant about any financial affairs your DH is dealing with. Several here have stories about catastrophic issues that their LO made when they still considered them only mildly impaired.

Sorry to sound alarmist but it's important.

PookieBlue

Hi Linda,

My DH was dxd with MCI about 4 years ago. I know he was slipping for some time before that, probably four years before. My biggest lesson during that time was not to trust him. It cost me lots of extra bucks as I had to repair the transmission on the Jeep that we tow behind the RV when he didn’t get it in neutral to tow. I took over all the RV driving as I knew he no longer had those skills. However, I also found that he could not correctly determine if I had enough clearance to turn without damaging the RV. He also hooked up a car battery to the charger incorrectly. These things happened 6 to 8 years ago, before I knew the degree of his confusion. I’m just saying that things your DH may have been able to do easily in the past are going to be confusing for him. I currently am required to direct his every move. He still makes the bed and does breakfast dishes (more or less) but micromanaging an another adult human being is exhausting. The other night he brushed his teeth with icy hot, and he used my toothbrush! Comical, but not. This occurred even though his items were sitting right in front of him.

Hope for the best and remember, we are your friends and are here for you.

Valerie

Vitruvius

PookieBlue, my DW also brushed with Bengay :) She also put toothpaste on her lower back! That was before I began to micromanage as you put it.

rfh1957

I guess I should credit my DW for giving up doing pretty much everything before her MCI gets worse, which it's starting to. She voluntarily stopped driving, paying bills, doing laundry, using her cellphone and iPad...and even trying to cook, except in the microwave, and then sometimes she asks me for help. Signs that her MCI is getting worse are: not changing her clothes, not getting her hair cut, not showering, eating less in general, not putting things away, showing no emotions at all, and sleeping a lot during the daytime. She is so dependent on me that she hates to let me out of her sight, which means that I can't go out of the house and do things by myself, like get together with friends. We have hired home care for a couple of afternoons and evenings per week, but they have a hard time keeping her from calling me when I'm at a meeting or social function. She doesn't want to go to any kind of medical appointment, including dental, and thought I was abandoning her at a dermatologist's office (so she took off down the street when I arrived with her there), and at the dentist (same thing happened). I'm unsure when I should consider placing her in an assisted living facility. We don't have kids, and she has no relatives. She says she loves me, but I don't feel it. However, I do think she'd have a hard time adjusting to a new environment, and part of her problem is social anxiety, so she might have difficulty making friends. On the other hand, my life would improve. I would get more exercise, eat better, travel, socialize more, etc. Have any of you had to decide where the tipping point is?

Ed1937

Linda, welcome to the forums, but sorry you need them. I wouldn't be in a hurry to correct his faulty memory unless there is a very good reason. If he looks at a picture of his uncle Jeff, and says it's not uncle Jeff, but it's him, let it go. No need to correct him. That will only make him more confused. And it doesn't hurt anything if he thinks that's him in the picture. Correcting someone will often times lead to an argument, and that's something neither one of you need. We really need to be careful with words now.

Ed1937

Rfh, many of us had to decide when the tipping point happened. But what may be a tipping point for me, might not be for you. Some caregivers have much more stress than others under the same circumstances. It's not always what the PWD does, but how the caregiver reacts to it. Learning how to react can make a huge difference in stress management. But nobody said that was easy. And we all make mistakes. When that happens, we put that on the back burner, and try to do better next time.

EDIT: I should have added that if it gets to the point where she will get better care elsewhere than you can provide at home, it's time. If you can't keep her safe, it's time. And you have to consider your own health.

rfh1957

Ed, I am starting to feel somewhat depressed, although not suicidal, by finding myself spending most of my time with DW and not doing other things, including exercising and eating well, which would undoubtedly improve my mental and physical health. She might get better care elsewhere if the facility could manage to get her to exercise, manage her diet, see her doctors as she should, and socialize more with other people. I think it would be a very hard break for her, though.

Gig Harbor

Rfh it sounds like you are close to possibly placing your wife. First concerning her - she may adjust faster than you would think. She may participate in some activities but she may simply sleep a lot. I always think of sleeping for a dementia patient as entertainment. They are likely dreaming and that is something they can follow whereas books or TV is not easy to follow. She likely is past the point of making friends as we know it but I found my husband smiles a lot at other people and seems to like watching them. Now concerning you - you are not the cause of her dementia and you don’t need to sacrifice the rest of your life in caring for her if it is now causing depression and sadness. You are equally as important in your relationship as she is. She will get used to a move and I think you deserve to have a retirement. If something were to happen to you right now who would step in to care for her? If you look for placement you can find the best possible place for her and get her settled. You can then go back to being her husband and visit and watch over her. Don’t let guilt direct the rest of your life.

rfh1957

Thanks, Gig for the kind and sensitive comments. So far she has only been diagnosed with MCI, but she is scheduled for a psychiatrist visit later in the spring, and an MRI of the brain to determine if the areas governing cognition have shrunk. I may wait until after those appointments to make the placement decision. I've been enduring this for more than two years, so a few more months shouldn't matter.

jfkoc

Right, a few more months will not matter and during that time you can bone up on the diagnosis of dementia. You want to rule causes that are treatable.

Gig Harbor

Rfh once I made the decision to place my husband at sometime in the next year I felt as if a weight had been lifted. It gave me time to accept that it was another stage in life that would occur. Since we are private pay each night I thought well I made another $200 today and that also helped a little. I didn’t really use test results as a means to determine placement. It was the behavior and how stressed and depressed I was feeling and also the need to keep him from wandering off that caused me to make my decision. I think you will know in your mind when the time has come and you will just have to tell your heart that you are ready.

Gig Harbor

rfh1957

We're both long retired, but my wife has a monthly pension payment that should cover the cost of most assisted living facilities in the area. If it's not enough, she has ample savings. I do need to get our affairs in order concerning funeral arrangements, and iron out any last details of my will, should I die first.

Richard

Deb2322

DH was diagnosed a year ago with MCI but I saw decline long before. I have noticed more blips and behaviors lately, but sometimes I think it is me interpreting everything as he is getting worse.

Examples:

At the dinner table/restaurant he does not make eye contact or converse. He looks beyond me (into the living room)

Letting things he normally did regularly go (mowing lawn, taking trash to transfer station, doing dishes, etc)

Retrieving names/words several times a day

Misjudging the distance of approaching cars

Spending 8-10 hours a day in his workshop (turning wood, cleaning, repairing things)

We see the neurologist at the end of the month-I am going to ask for a PET scan. Any other thoughts?

Pat6177

Deb,

First, copy your post and start a new thread. A lot of folks won’t read an old post like this so you won’t get as many responses as you will if you start a new post.

it definitely sounds like your DH has advanced. Sometimes docs will diagnose MCI when it’s really Alzheimer’s because they think they are being kind.

And it sounds like your DH should NOT be driving. You and your DH could be sued and lose everything he is in an accident. Start now figuring out how you will get him to stop driving. Don’t let him out driving on his own. When the two of you go out, just tell him it’s your turn to drive or that you feel like driving. Can you take his keys away from him? I sold my SUV and we are using my husband’s car. The key fob I gave him has a dead battery. And it’s a moot point now because he’s forgotten what the key fob is all about and will try to use the house key to unlock the car door.

it’s probably also a good idea that your DH not work with machines. Hopefully others will chime in on the machinery but my guess is that he’s advanced enough that he’s not safe operating machinery. ALZ affects memory AND executive thought AND thought in general.

As for testing, your DH should be tested for disease processes that could mimic ALZ. Like a low B12. Or an out of whack thyroid. The most informative testing my DH had was the neuropsych testing. The neurologist should be willing to give you a referral to a neuropsychologist for this testing. It takes a good 3 hrs to do the testing - for the average person. My DH was done in 1 1/2 hrs. He just couldn’t complete all the tests.