new facility/I blocked my mother's calls

Mckangel

I moved my mother into a facility that has all stages of care. This was after a couple of hospitalizations and rehab stints. Her last AL facility was fine, but she was there about 7 hours after a rehab stay and was re- hospitalized. I felt like this was going to be an ongoing cycle, so I made the decision to move her into a very reputable place where I have had recommendations from people I trust. She's been there a couple of weeks now; right off the bat she was intimidated by the size; it is bigger, and more people , so I do understand having to adjust to the surroundings. I hired a sitter for 2 days to take her to the dining room and give her some companionship. A family member stepped in and visited as well. The same pattern is resuming as before in the other facility and re-hab. Phone calls ranging from pitiful to angry. "come and get me" , "I'm sick" , "if you don't get me you'll be sorry", "I'm going to cut you out of the will "and so on. I finally blocked her number so that I could go through my work day without jumping every time the phone rang. I have returned a couple of calls, but as soon as she escalated, I got off the phone. I feel horrible using this "tough love" approach, but nothing else seems to work. Other family members are not returning calls either, not because I asked them not to, but because of the constant spewing of anger. I trust the facility to inform me in case of an emergency, but the NP said she seemed pretty stable. I feel betrayed by her accusations that I am after her money, house, and that I have never done anything for her. I try to look at it from her point of view too; she must feel betrayed by not being allowed to go to her house, but if I told her flat out she was having hallucinations and such she wouldn't believe me. Has anyone else had to take the step of blocking calls and not visiting for a period of time? Thank you in advance.

Jgirl57

We are not there yet but I have read from others that blocking calls is sometimes a must as well as limited visits. So happy that you found a location you are happy with. I am just starting to tour places for future placement . Hang tough!

BassetHoundAnn

Hi, Mckangel,

A lot of us have been through the repetitive phone calls, ranging from pitiful to angry and even threatening. It's extremely common. Blocking the calls is the only way to maintain one's sanity. You should not feel guilty about doing it. The calls are upsetting and often harrowing.

Several years ago when I moved my mom to an (absolutely gorgeous) quasi-assisted living apartment, she started calling me 20, 30, sometimes 40 times a day claiming to be in peril and demanding to be taken home immediately. They were always abrupt calls. She would cry "Help me! Come get me!" then hang up. One hour there were 20 such calls. I blocked calls from her number. Then she started going to the front desk and asking them to call me for her, which they did. <sigh>

When I moved her to memory care I took away her phone. Great relief! But she would get the aids to call me. One day I found her in another resident's room trying to call me from that resident's phone. I had to repeatedly tell the memory care that I did not want her to have a phone and I did not want her calling me.

It's been nearly three years now that we've been going through the phone battle with my mother. Every time I visit she pesters me for a phone so that she can call me. She also pesters the aids about getting her own phone. It's an obsession with her. We recently moved my mom to a new memory care with better care than the prior one. Just today I got an e-mail from a social worker that my mom is demanding to call me and wants to know when I will be taking her home.

So I hate to tell you this but I don't think it ever ends. My mom is in advanced Stage 7 of Alzheimer's, but still very verbal.

M1

I would think hard about taking the phone away. I know it seems difficult to imagine, but if this is its major use then it's not really serving a useful purpose. Maybe it needs to "break" and be sent out for repairs.

when my parnter was hospitalized last year, I could not visit beczuse of covid but we talked nearly every day. One day there were some nursing students on the ward and she went from student to student convincing them to let her use their phones to call me. after about the tenth call in an hour i called the floor supervisor and that was the end of that.

Now in MC she doesn't even really realize that she doesn't have a phone. When I leave she will say, "call me later?" and I say yes, but it doesn't register. I think it's almost a kneejerk thing.

Quilting brings calm

My mom has gone through periods of calling me repeatedly. If I don’t answer, she will keep calling back As in one after the other so that I’d have several within 15minutes. The messages would get into crying jags, whining, ‘ why won’t you talk to me’ - even if I had just talked to her 30 minutes ago. Some anti anxiety and anti depression medication has actually helped.

What she does now is call me multiple times to tell me the sane thing that we spoke about 5 times on the last phone call. She accidentally puts me on mute, accidentally hangs up on me, accidentally calls me. She will see my name as the last caller and assume she missed a call and call back

Your mom sounds like she isn’t going to be happy with her living situation no matter what it is. My parents doctor told me ‘ don’t expect them to be happy at this point, it’s enough that you’ve made sure they are safe.

Shan

McKangel, you don’t need to feel bad about using a “tough love” approach when it comes to your mother’s abusive phone usage. Abusing the use of phones, I am finding, is a quite common behavior for PWD, my mom included. I can completely relate to your feelings of anxiety when ever my phone rings and hoping it’s not my mom dozens of times a day. And I also feel your pain thinking about taking away another thing that she used to be able to use without problem, it does feel cruel at first, but for several reasons it does become the best solution. Yes, you can block her calls for your sanity or others recommend getting a burner phone with a calming outgoing voicemail message made only for her, and while those solutions may be ideal for us, it really may not be best for our mom’s. So much of their agitation and bad behavior stems from unresolved triggers. Leaving a phone in our mom’s room that doesn’t work when she tries to call us will likely trigger her and cause more harm than taking the phone. In fact just seeing the phone can cause our mom’s to obsess over the fact that they miss us, want to be with us, are angry with us…etc… So even though it seems cruel to take the phone, it actually is best for everyone including your mom, especially if she’s to the stage of obsessively calling. I agree with others above, it’s probably time for a fiblet that the phone is broken, getting fixed, and will be returned when it’s fixed, and just keep repeating that story until it is forgotten. I’ll be doing it with you as soon as I can convince my sisters it’s time for my mom too. Hang in there, you’re a wonderful daughter for being concerned about doing the right thing for your mom. And, try not to take her verbal jabs personally. This disease is so destructive on our LO’s personalities. With my mom, I’ve seen it stealing her best qualities while it magnifies her worst ones.

Mckangel

Thank you all so much for the support. As for right now, the explanation that my phone doesn’t always work as I’m rather out in the country has satisfied her. I want her to be able to talk with her niece ( who is also in Assisted Living), but as soon as this becomes a problem, the phone will indeed “need to be repaired “. All the family members know I completely understand if they choose not to answer or block the number. Another recent development is that Friday, I signed my mother up with Hospice. Not because she is anywhere near death, but because I’m hoping seeing the same friendly faces several times a week will help her socially. She is isolating in her room, blinds drawn, lights out, and no TV. I’m unsure if the “no TV” is due to the hallucinations she was having with the TV in October 2022. Now she is saying there is a rat in her room. I find this hard to believe because not only is this facility very clean, but she has not kept snacks in her room. Her breakfast and lunch tray may stay in there an hour or so after the meal, but is then removed. I know it’s not impossible, just improbable. I have read that it seems to be a common symptom for dementia patients to see bugs, or rodents and such; someone please correct me if I’m mistaken. I remember last autumn, my mother was convinced she saw two baby pink rodents in her den, mostly hairless, and when she got up to see them they ran down the hall together and she could not find them again. I was trying to use logic, that if they were babies, they probably couldn’t run, but nonetheless I checked the house for droppings, and told her to be on the lookout for any chewed up cereal boxes and what not. At the time, I chalked it up to vivid dreams, but she wouldn’t let it go, and decided they must have been brought in when her sitter was bringing in groceries. It didn’t seem to bother her too much, she just decided they had escaped. It was the TV that became very distressing to her. It may have to go as well, I am hoping Hospice can tweak her medication enough that those particular hallucinations will get under control.

admarise

Hi,

All of this sounds exactly like my mother. She was moved to the behavioral unit. And things got worst. They took her phone away. I did not have to be the bad guy. But before this she was calling everyone at all hours of the day or night. She still have the option to ask for the nurse to call me or my sisters. But they try to avoid calling in the middle of the night. She is now on haldol for the last week and that seems to calm her. I how they can get her in the right regimen.

good luck,

Maria

Anonymousjpl123

Yes! Yes. I haven’t taken the phone away but block her calls occasionally when I can’t deal.

this is a hard road. Please be good to yourself. You deserve it, no matter how guilty she makes you feel (ok projecting, but maybe we both need to hear it ❤️).