Just placed my spouse in Memory Care Today

RickM

Hello,

I've lurked here for awhile, made a few posts, but mostly just benefited from all of the stories, experiences, and advice from those on the forum. To you all, I say thank you.

I am fortunate in that my wife of 40 years is still a sweetheart despite the dementia, but it is getting harder to care for her. Additionally, I feel that she would enjoy more social interaction. Even more, I might get more support being in an environment with others who are dealing with this horrible disease. We're floundering at home.

My parents divorced when we were still kids. In the past few years we've had to place our mother and then our father in Memory Care. I was healthcare POA for my father. Placing both was heart wrenching. My mother eventually adjusted and enjoyed her short-lived stay (she had a stroke on a night our family was all together. She literally was dancing to Ray Charles one minute and on the couch the next rubbing her head when we called 911). My dad was another story. We got him to agree to a respite care. We flew him up to the city where my brother lived. He walked upstairs to the room, saw his name on the door, walked into the room, then bolted for the street and tried to flag cars down to get help. I'll spare you the rest of the story. It's enough to say it was the worst few days of my life. The good news is that I got him in an excellent memory care community and he lived out a decent last few years close to his sister and one of my brothers.

During the final year of my fathers decline I started to notice some cognitive problems with my wife. Feeling I was over sensitive after dealing with my parents I think I was a bit in denial about my wife. Eventually, I knew what was going on and we sought a diagnosis. In January of 2022 we got the official diagnosis, Dementia, mixed type, probably Alzheimer's.

It's progressed pretty rapidly and I started a process to put together a long term plan for her. I checked out home care, adult family homes, assisted living, looked for day care, memory care, all of it. Finally I decided to try a 3 week respite care at a Memory Care Community walking distance from our home of 37 years. I'm going on a 1 week river rafting trip that will be including a meditation teacher to, ideally, help me come up with a better tool for dealing with the stress than drinking beer after my wife goes to sleep.

I dropped her off today at the Memory Care facility. Having done this previously for both my mom and my dad I was surprised how difficult this was for me. I thought that dealing with my parents' decline would help me prepare for dealing with my spouse's decline. It hasn't. It's a whole different ball game.

I'm at home now. Bummed.

Ed1937

Rick, I'm sorry it was so hard. Hopefully she will transition quickly. We're here for you whenever you want to talk.

M1

With you rick. Moved from one facility to another today and while i expected adjustments, it feels like back to square one emotionally. Will be thinking about you and want to hear how it goes.

Denise1847

Hi Rick, I pray your spouse adjusts quickly and that you will find comfort knowing she can get the care she needs. This is no different than when a person needs to be in the hospital for a life-threatening illness and we cannot care for them properly at home. Hang in there.

LSUshad

Rick, I placed my wife in Memory Care yesterday. Hardest thing I have ever done. It sucks. I am blessed to have a wonderful counselor who specializes in work with AD and dementia patients and families. Also a very supportive daughter and son in law. We need all the resources we can muster to live through this. Hope your trip is therapeutic and you come back refreshed.

M1

LUShad, will be thinking about you too. Given that this is a move for us yesterday and our second rodeo so to speak, I am going to be thinking and maybe start a new thread about what didn't work at the other place and things I'm already noticing a difference with. Maybe it can help you guys as you work through this first adjustment. It's a tough one, i know. So hard to know what to advocate for when you're smack in the middle of the trauma. Probably not going to post it today (too soon) but in the next few days. Hang in there.

Caro_Lynne

I feel your pain Rick and am so sorry for what you are going through. M1, your LO is fortunate to have someone that cares for her like you do.

Caro_Lynne

Colt99

Hi Rick. I can identify with your pain. Moved DW to MC less than 3 weeks ago. DW transition is going pretty well. I can now come and go without angst or confusion. I spend quite a bit of time with her during the day. She still grumbles about the staff helping her dress, toilet, shower, etc. I received that same lecture many times myself. Any activity with music is a big hit. Unfortunately, she cannot follow simple instructions. That makes it tough for games with rules, crafts, etc. Staff is pretty good at accommodating.

I do hate this disease. This is one lonely empty house still full of her presence. Good luck with your journey.

DJnAZ

Rick...my wife just concluded 11 months in memory "care". I know what you are going through and want you to know a lot of us are out there with you. This past year is by far the most difficult thing I've ever done.

ghphotog

I'm looking at the same thing for my mother and my DW. My mom will not go quietly so I don't know how to do that yet. She is going to feel hurt, abandoned and unwanted. She says if I put her in a MC group home she said she will run away. She can't take her little dog with her and they are inseparable.

My DW is ready for MC as well but has no idea I'm even thinking about it. I doubt she would know what I'm talking about but she pleads with me daily that she just wants to be with me and nobody else. She makes me promise never to leave her.

My God, why does this have to be so freagin' hard?

M1

I completely get it, I hear both things from my partner and it is very, very hard to listen to. The running away--meh. She won't be able to. But it's still hard to hear. And the "you must not want me," and the wanting to be with you and only you--those are the killer triggers. She seems to be happier when I'm not there, and that is so, so hard. If it's really in her best interest that I not be there to trigger that unhappiness, then that's what I have to do. But Lord, it is torture on my own soul.

But Gh, you've got to do what you need to do to be sure they are both taken care of. They would not want you to die with them, if they were in their right minds.