Transitioning to New MC

BassetHoundAnn

We moved my mom to a new MC this week where hopefully she'll receive better care. She's pretty agitated and anxious, and is demanding to go home.

I haven't visited her since the day of the move. She was furious with me on moving day, accusing me of dumping her, not alerting her to the move, all sorts of things.

To be honest I don't want to visit her until she calms down a bit. I've received e-mails every day from staff and hospice telling me that she is doing well, but is anxious and agitated, looking for family members, and demanding that I come and take her home.

Should I stay away for a few more days? Weeks? What's the recommendation?

She was in her prior MC for about 1.5 years, but she didn't recognize it in any way. She thought she was living in her brother's house--which was really strange, because all his life the house was so ramshackle and hoarded she refused to step into it--and for the past few months was badgering me to "find a new apartment" because her brother wanted his house back. I kept assuring her that she would be moving to a new apartment, and that seemed to placate her.

I had been the typical hovering daughter visiting her every day.

Any recommendations, folks? I think my mom is in late Stage 7 but extremely verbal, as least for the moment. A few months ago she was barely speaking, with only a few words now and then.

M1

No recommendations but plenty of commiseration--in exactly the same boat, moved yesterday after 54 weeks at another facility. I am encoiuraged that the new faciliyt is much better for her--communication in the first 24 hours has already been much better- but I think it's best to just follow their lead on when you should perhaps resume visits. Hard to stay away, but it actually may serve a purpose for her to adjust to the staff there without you. My partner was furious with me and two close friends when we transferred her yesterday, but by later in the afternoon was engaging in activities already. They are been in touch three times today already, and it seems she already doesn't remember the previous facility.

My partner is stage 5 though, not stage 7. Fine line between hovering and being her good advocate, I'm sure. Wish i had something more concrete to offer.

BassetHoundAnn

Hi, M1. Thank you for the message of commiseration. How is your partner doing at the new MC this weekend?

I haven't visited my mom since I took her to the new MC. I'm afraid to actually. In light of all the drama, histrionics, meltdowns, etc. when I took her to the new facility last week. I'm a trigger for her. And she blames me for everything bad or confusing that happens to her.

I will update!

And you should too. I'd love to hear how your LO is doing.

M1

Thanks dear, I will. Am going in today to deal with some medication issues (new prescriptions won't go to the new pharmacy until tomorrow/Monday), but the nurse advised me not to see her because she's been asking for me all weekend and will likely want to leave with me.

I think a key component here is what reports you get about her behavior when you are not there. I firmly believe that at least at earlier stages, our LO's do behave differently with non-family members, and maybe sometimes better --call it showtiming, call it relying on the kindness of strangers, what have you. As hard as it is on me and as much as I wish I weren't a trigger, I can stand being away from my beloved partner if I know she is engaged and not unhappy when I am not there. But when (as at the previous facility) she was isolating and never coming out of her room, that was a real danger signal to me that things were not right. So--as she settles in, I'd pay close attention to the reports you get about how your mother is faring when you're not around. Getting those reports is critical, obviously--and that was the other problem at our other facility, the communication was nonexistent, which made me worry all the more.

Keep us posted and I'll do the same.

BassetHoundAnn

I took a deep breath and went to visit my mom today at the new memory care. She was happy as a clam! She seemed to like the new place and reported that she had attended a concert which she enjoyed very much.

Such a contrast from the other day when she claimed she hated the place, accused me of dumping her there, and insisted she was going to find a new apartment. The reports from aids hadn't been good either. She had been telling everyone to call her daughter to take her home, and no one could calm her or redirect her.

Glad I stayed away for a few days. It looks like she's starting to adapt.

M1

Really good news-hope it continues!