How to not air so much dirty laundry (family-related)

elhijo

Hello,

I need a way of phrasing something about my family.

The backdrop is:

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Ever since I started caring for my mom, the rest of my family hasn't helped out. My sister and I had a descent to good relationship but once my mom got sick, she wanted to put her in a facility. Seeing how horrible the local choices were and how my mom was traumatized when she went to rehab for 2 weeks (I was there nearly the whole time, day and night), I said no.

This caused a rift between us. That was 5 years ago, and we sort of mended the relationship. I'm the youngest so I was caught in a weird position telling my older sister what to do. We have a much older sister, but she lives in another country and has severe emotional problems and cannot be of any assistance whatsoever.

Thing is, while my sister here local to us comes by to visit, her visits aren't regular. I've talked to her about coming more regularly as sometimes she won't come for 3 weeks, but she will get defensive and snap that she took care of our mother for 10 years while I was living in another state, etc. and then not come for a month. My sister tends to exaggerate so I'm not sure if it was really 10 years or how good that care was. I know towards the end of 2015 my sister would go to my mom's house at 9am, cook, clean, etc. and leave the house at midnight. She told me this a few times. When I would offer to help remotely, and even offered the idea of hiring a lady my sister basically said she had it covered. So, it's not like I wasn't trying. I think she things I was living the high life in other states when I wasn't. I was working like everyone.

In late 2016 I moved back home to help take care of our mother and when her health took a turn for the worse in 2018, I had no choice but to move her into my home. Facilities were not, and are not, an option. My sister here basically abandoned us at that point. Over the years the relationship has mended some, but I still don't agree with everything she did when our mother got sick and I resented the fact that I moved back home only to be the sole caretaker when the agreement was that we would both take care of our mother.

However, our mother still recognizes my sister and though my mom has ALZ, she is not a vegetable in any way, reads her newspaper, knows who I am, does her crossword, and is in overall good health for a 90-year-old lady. The doctor says so. She is not majorly cognitively gone like other persons with ALZ by God's grace. And no, we're not using head-meds. They made her crazier and affected her balance. So, my mom and I are ok.

Thing is, when my sister won't come for weeks at a time my mom will cry cause she misses her daughter and no amount of fibbing will help. Deep down she knows she has a daughter here who won't see her. For this reason, I try to keep things civil in the family.

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The problem I have is:

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To a stranger, I have found the way to making this long story short is to say my sister 'wants to put my mom into a home'. This isn't true but it's necessarily false either. My sister here has made it clear she will not take care of my mom and bring her into her home. She's basically over and done with it. If something were to happen to me I know that my sister would put her into a home and I'm not so sure what the quality of that nursing home or assisted living would be.

So what I'm saying is not necessarily false.

Thing is... I feel like the bad guy for saying this or that I'm airing dirty family laundry when I shouldn't be. But sometimes, it is necessary to explain the situation in a nutshell so doctors, clergy, etc. can quickly assess the situation so we get the assistance we need. While my mom is not in and out of hospitals or doctor's offices, there are times when we do need to see a specialist and our family circumstances as it's part of the intake process. With clergy, they need to understand your family situation so they can assist you (in this case, me) spiritually.

And in general, when I'm talking my mom to the park, or meet a new doctor, etc. the question comes up, how many children does your mom have, and why isn't she (your sister) here? This leads to the necessity for a line...Just need help on what that line should be. Guess in their eyes it is customary for the daughters to be the caretakers when a need arises for one. However, because I am a man and her son I guess there's a disconnect in their minds and kind of a shock. However, in the part of Latin America where we're from, both the son and/or the daughter would take care of the parents if there was a need. It wasn't exclusively limited to daughters. While that tradition is slowly dying in favor of the placement-model, that was what my mom grew up with and that is what she is going to get in her old age. From me.

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The question I have is:

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Anyone have a better way of putting this other than saying "my sister wants to put her into a home?". I've tried to phrase it by saying both my sisters are "leading their own lives" which is true but still seems like I'm bad-mouthing my own family and I don't want to do this. It's true that my sister here and my sister abroad are indeed living their own lives but it makes it sound like I'm complaining about them being selfish which again is family-business, not anyone else's business.

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If anyone can give me a better phrase to say I'd appreciate it. I'm really not good at being indirect as I tend to be direct and analytical, but certain things can't be said directly or in an analytical fashion to human beings as you are likely to get a highly-charged, emotional response. I wish we more like robots, emphatic robots, but robots, nonetheless.

Thank you for listening.

Marta

You don’t really need to explain. Just say that the daughters are not in the picture.

M1

Or you could just say that you and your sister don't see eye to eye about the best way to care for her. Nothing untruthful about that.

harshedbuzz

@elhijo

A few random thoughts.

1. If your sister tells you that she was mom's caregiver for 10 years, I would accept that as fact just as I accept what you are wrote as fact. I, an only, look after my mom who does not have dementia. She is in many ways a heavier responsibility than dad ever was because she is more engaged, easily bored and I adore her even if she makes me nuts. She has a lot of medical conditions that need regular attention that I would have said no to for dad in the context of his terminal dementia diagnosis.
2. I am assuming you are a son given your screen name. Perhaps your sister's relationship with mom is different by virtue of your different genders.
3. You have to consider why you feel the need to explain. As the parent of a child (now adult) with a so-called invisible disability, this is a topic I have mulled over a lot. There were times when he was younger and behaved in ways that were embarrassing. At those times, I was tempted to tell the side-eyeing stranger that DS had special needs, but I didn't because ultimately it is his story to share. I followed the mantra of "need to know"-- I told people like camp counselors and scout masters because it would help them help him. I did not tell random moms at the playground to burnish my image as a mom doing all she could.
4. @Marta and @M1 offer good options. --HB

Quilting brings calm

just say ‘ I am her primary caregiver’. And leave it at that. I have several siblings that aren’t involved. I have never had a medical person, or anyone at the assisted living center ask about other siblings— because I don’t bring it up. I just tell the doctors etc that I have the medical POA and am on the HIPPA form.

If your sister was involved for some time( 10 years or even several years less) before you were, maybe she felt the same way about you then as you feel about her now. Maybe she’s mentally and emotionally exhausted at this point.

Try to provide a carrot rather than a stick. Say thank you and make nice comments when she does visit. That might encourage her to return sooner.

Marta

As a provider, I always ask whether the primary caregiver has support, but there is no need to inquire about family dynamics.

I think your need to explain comes from your frustration that your sister is no longer involved with your Mom. The sooner you can let go of your expectations for your sister, the more energy you will have to devote to Mom and to YOUR life. Perhaps speaking with a counselor could help you achieve this.

If I’m wrong, just give me a virtual kick in the buttocks.

elhijo

Thank you all. And thank the ALZ association for creating this particular forum. The relationships and dynamics involved between being a caretaker for a spouse vs. a parent are different. I'm glad this forum exists so other children taking care of their parents can understand when posters write something such as mine and give output that's relevant to the situation.

So thank you all.

Marta, I think you're right. I did seek out a counselor for some of this and I may to find a different one. However I think you're right about my expectations and letting go of them.

You should be counselor yourself :-).

Everyone have a good night and blessed week.

Thanks again,

elhijo

Shan

I agree with the others’ wise advice that you do not need any explanation other than you are your mom’s primary care provider. There is no need to go into other family dynamic details.

But, the fact that you are not receiving any help or support from your other sisters is concerning for your health and wellness. I agree that you can’t make them help and being angry and bitter about it is harmful to your well being. However, I hope you are finding other non-family support because even if you don’t feel you need it now, there will be times you do and it’s important to have that in place before needing it. There are local agencies that you can use for day or night care staff to help you in your home, facilities that provide respite care by the day or week if you get ill or need a vacation or break, adult day care facilities for daily activities and also a break for you. I mention this because I’ve seen what trying to be the sole care giver for my mom in AL did to my sister and she even had me for respite weeks of care and a personal care provider that was with our mom weekdays while she worked. Even with all that support, my sister had a mental break after 15 months and could no longer handle even short care visits with our mom and I had to step in and take over. Hopefully you can find local resources and have a list of phone numbers you can call when you need help. Taking care of a PWD is mentally and physically exhausting, it’s ok to need and ask for help.