kind of off topic--so much to do, so little energy to do it

M1

EB White has always been a favorite writer, and he wrote a wonderful, hilarious essay in the New Yorker (Memorandum, I think) about all the different things he intended to do that day on his farm in Blue Hill, Maine. And of course ended up doing none of them as he sat there writing. That's what I feel like....the chicken house needs cleaning, the vegetable garden still isn't turned, the flower beds aren't weeded, there is pollen and dog hair in every corner, a bathroom shower floor and the porch tile need regrouting. It's a beautiful day out there, but I just want to sit and vegetate. I did manage to change a rotted hose on an air compressor yesterday, that was my one accomplishment. A little badge of competence.

I think it was Vitruvius who had a thread recently about needing to get out of a funk. Still right there with you, V. I don't think I'll ever get it back. I know I need to give it time, but I feel like I don't have that much time. Too overwhelming. I guess thinking of the EB White essay puts some humor in it, though. I bet all of us wish we were doing things other than caregiving. What's yours?

jfkoc

Dear friend....you are now on the other side of the Rubicon....how about just resting a bit.

I am no longer a caregiver but at 82 there are many things that I wish I were doing......

judith

ImMaggieMae

I feel the same. There is a long list of things I should be doing today but I feel like I’m walking through wet cement. I think it’s called depression.

M1, you need to have some downtime for yourself. You’ve accomplished so much in these past weeks. Your wife is in a place now that sounds so much better than the last one. Allow yourself to breathe a sigh of relief.

Caro_Lynne

M1 I can sooooo relate to you! I don't live on a farm but there so many things I need to do around the house! I wake up every morning telling myself "I will get this and that done today" and never happens. I make sure LO's bathroom is clean and doesn't smell and that he is clean, then I have to be on 24/7 watch. My bedroom is a mess, my office is a mess, my mind is a mess! Always been an avid reader, haven't even done that lately. Must check out EB White - thanks.

One of the things that keeps me sane is my butterfly garden. I've been raising Monarch butterflies for the past 5+ years. I have a patio full of milkweed which I tend to every day. Weeding has also become a favorite pass time, who knew. Thanks for the off topic ❤️

Ed1937

You've been a busy guy for quite some time. Even if you weren't doing something physically wearing you out, the mental stress is just as bad or worse. Give yourself a break. Get some much needed rest.

toolbeltexpert

Yep I felt this way the last week, Depression? Maybe. Yesterday I decided I had had enough of walking around looking at boxes and bins. So I stayed in the house and managed to empty a few boxes and bins, I even found the bath towels in my closet in a black plastic bag.

I need to put the electrical in my garage, then insulate it and sheet it. I have one more trip to make to clean out the storage place.

This is how bad it got last week, I was at a big box lumber place to get the supplies for my garage project, I had a cart loaded with a breaker box, breakers, insulation, spray foam for filling around pipes. I got so depressed I just left it on the cart and walked out only to go back the next day and get the same supplies this time I made it out with them. That is some crazy funky stuff.

I had a funeral I officiated on Friday afternoon and Iast night I got a call from the family of another person I had ministered too for many years who has cancer and wasn't expected to make the night so I dropped everything last night and sat with him and his family till 1130, didn't hit the pillow till 1am. He is still with us as i write now. It may sound like I did alot but I said I few bins I mean 3 and maybe 3 small boxes. Still walking around bins and boxes and furniture everywhere. Sometimes making the bed feels like an accomplishment. Last week really slowed me down. I start out ok but it quickly wound down. I guess I know it has to do with depression, dw being in mc and asking to come home really takes a toll on me. I have started to curtail my visits if she starts asking if I am gonna take her out of this place. I still haven't missed a day since she has been placed but now 2hrs is about the max I can do. I feel terrible. M1 give yourself a break, we ain't getting any younger and with all that dementia brings in its no wonder funk happens. I will get up tomorrow and thank God for everything and put one foot in front of another.

On a side note my neighbor the doctor texted me asking if I was still gonna work on mowers so I went over and worked on his mower and when I went by the homeplace the grass was knee deep, the finely manicured lawn is no longer. My new home takes less than 15 minutes of mowing instead of 4 hrs. I guess I should look at that as a positive thing..

Stewart

Pat6177

Aren’t we all grieving? Let me tell you how much time I spend doing puzzles on the iPad. Or watching cat videos that pop up on Facebook. When I’m doing this, I’m sitting near DH and he likes it when I’m around. And he now enjoys cat videos. I used to be able to get lots of stuff done. Not so much anymore. I pray to manage my time better but don’t beat myself up about it. Just as I try to cope with DH as he is, I try to accept myself where I’m at. I know several of you have been through some very intense periods of activity laced with heavy duty emotions. And grieving just sucks up energy. M1, any chance you could get someone to help out at the farm to get you caught up a bit?

GothicGremlin

I know exactly how you all feel. This topic goes through my head almost every day.

I just want to say - I don't resent any part of caregiving for Peggy. I'm glad it's me looking after her and not my brother. That said ....

Did I ever think I'd know this much about Alzheimer's? No, no I did not. And everything around it so time consuming. Prior to Alzheimer's, I always had projects going on (besides work). Moss has never grown under my feet. Now? So much moss. My laundry list of potential projects is so long that I'm not even sure I could pick just one. Top of mind though - I'd like to go on a vacation. Far away.

Jeff86

M1, EB White was one of my DW’s favorite authors (when she could still read…), and she loved the essay Memorandum.

Excellent analogy—all the things we should be doing but don’t.

I often feel I am barely managing the bare minimum to keep life going. I was three weeks late renewing my car registration, I barely got tax checks mailed out on April 18, it can take me weeks to change a burned out light bulb.

Treading water. Seems like an accomplishment not to actually drown. How’s that for low expectations?

Just Bill

I used to be pretty handy around the house until I discovered golf and the all I wanted to do is practice. That rendered me pretty much useless around the house. I was and still am a huge procrastinator. If it isn't on fire, leaking or about to explode I won't get to it. I act when it's the last minute and time is run out. I was lucky my wife handled everything, all I had to do was work and golf. Now everything I didn't do that she did do is back on my to do list. If it isn't on a hot list it just looms out there depressing me. I do get relief from getting things done even though it is right at the wire. First priority obviously is my wife's needs, everything else comes second. I never slack on making sure all her pill bottles are full, clothes are clean, showers regularly, eats enough etc. It's just everything else taking a second priority I have a triage parameter if I can blow it off I will. If I can't I'll get it done on time. It's funny how much of an anti depressant doing a load of clothes or getting a looming task off the list is. But that list of stuff to do just keeps getting bigger and bigger. While my golf clubs gently weep.

harshedbuzz

I feel you all.

I'm on the other side with my dad, but still 100% responsible for my mom's transportation, medical decisions, tech support and emotional well-being. It feels heavy.

Between that and the hangover from 3 years of pandemic, I suffer with ennui and inertia. Some days it's all I can do to get laundry done and people fed. I swear folks are sneaking into my house to shower based on my constant piles of laundry and water bill. And just once, I wish my people would shut up and eat the same damned thing- this is not a diner. I made soup which wasn't ready when it should have been, so DH asked for creamed chipped beef while DS opted for quesadillas.

My goal for today is a little weeding. It's been raining for days here so this shouldn't be too onerous.

HB

mommyandme (m&m)

I don’t feel so alone now. I often say “it’ll be there tomorrow”. It is amazing what one task or project done can do to lighten my mood. Then why do I continue to procrastinate and sit and play games on my phone while listening to Judge Judy shows on YouTube. Just don’t want to think about any of those things I guess. What if tomorrow doesn’t come and I’ve left my mess for everyone else. Not cool and pretty selfish of me. My self talk needs a face lift too.

Vitruvius

Yes it was me and my funk that I posted about recently that you remember M1. Well now I can add reading some EB White to my list of things I probably won't get to anytime soon.

Vitruvius

I decided to lookup EB White on Wikipedia and found this, which maybe you all knew but I didn't:

"Later in life, White developed Alzheimer's Disease and died on October 1, 1985"

M1

Oh V. I didn't know that. Icing on the cake. Brilliant man.