Mental Illness, addiction, Abuse, and Visiting

Jennisme

I am struggling. Shaking. Pls advise. It’s been 55 days since I called the ambulance for my mother. Medically stable now, stage 5 dementia they say. I have explained to every nurse and doctor about her years of opioid use and mood swings, from codependent and childlike to rage. Last week the rage started, the insults, and my whole body wants to be away from her and find a safe place to regulate and cry. It took nearly two months for the switch but it’s there. I’ve been her “anchor” , checking in weekly, taking care of finances for her and making sure she eats for many years. Weekly was all I could do. Since admission, I’ve gone almost daily and it’s been a rollercoaster I’m sure all of you understand. I don’t want to visit her, and I feel selfish yet glad that I am aware of what is happening for me. I’ve seen a therapist monthly for years and that helps me cope tremendously. I just need to say it out loud, and hopefully hear from others who get it. I don’t want to visit my mother. 😔

terei

I fear you wont take my advice, but DONT VISIT. If you do, + she starts acting out, turn on your heal and leave immediately. Do not put up with it. I think you will find that after doing that several times, she will miraculously change her attitude. Don’t engage with her + dont argue. Just leave. It sounds as if you have taken enough abuse from her for your lifetime + it is time for you to think about YOU instead of her.

Again, I would not visit. I’m sure she is safe + has her needs met + that is all you can hope for.

Jennisme

Thank you so much for the validation. Part of me is so grateful that she is now in hospital and they are taking steps to move her to memory care home; she is cared for. Well meaning people telling me it’s just dementia, it’s horrible but sometimes they are mean are unable to accept that I’ve witnessed it my entire life. I will stay away today, as I did yesterday. Moment by moment. Thank you terei and much love.

harshedbuzz

@Jennisme

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but glad you found this place.

Dementia sucks, but assuming a caregiver/advocate role for a parent who just wasn't able to have been up to the task of parenting is a special kind of suckitude.

I, too, found the well-meaning platitudes about it's the dementia talking to feel really clueless-- I'd heard those same scripts long before his mind went.

You do what is best for you. By stage 5, orientation to time is iffy-- most PWD live every in the moment so a daily visit vs a weekly one might not matter as much as you think. For me making sure dad got good care was more about who I was than who he was to me. In the very late stages he lost his edge and became sweet which allowed me to feel better about things. I wish you something similar.

HB

Jennisme

@harshedbuzz , thank you.

what a wonderful feeling to be accepted without giving all the sordid details. Without feeling like I have to defend my boundaries. She was sweet for 50 days, and I could do that. May it return, may she (and all of us) be free of suffering:)

M1

There's an old book out there somewhere called "Toxic Parents" that helped me a lot in years past. You might look for it. Don't know if it's still in print, but it helped me work through some very difficult family dynamics.

Just checked and yes, still available on Amazon. By Susan Forward and Craig Buck.

Jennisme

Thank you @M1

I have the book:)

time for a refresher. Thank you!