Asking "I want to go home"

Lashes32

Hello, I recently started to care for my mother-in-law she is recovering from a stroke and has mid stage dementia. We relocated her from another state as she can no longer live alone. She asks about going home every hour it seems like. I try to change the topic and divert the conversation and it works for a couple minutes. What are ways that have helped you when your dementia loved one keeps asking about wanting to go home?

JustPyrfect

Following!! I could use some advice here too!

mommyandme (m&m)

A lot have experienced this with their LO. Me too. It seems a common theme at mid/moving to later stage Some suggest that it’s often about our LO feeling uncomfortable within themselves and just trying to find a solution that might bring them comfort. My mother said “home” often meaning she wanted to go to bed if she was overwhelmed by anything, who knows what, but where she felt ok? I think anyway. Reasoning will most likely not help and probably frustrate them more. Validating my moms feelings, just a simple understanding, helped me a lot. Some have suggested after validating, maybe hugs, reminding your LO that you’re there for them etc…, to start a conversation about “home”. Like what does she like about “home”, tell me about your “home” etc. Get a distraction conversation going in line with their thinking. (Not, “what do you remember about home?” )

I hope others chime in too. I’m sorry for these struggles.

LittleVolcano

I'm getting this a lot now too. My mom wants to go to her childhood home and see her parents (who have been dead for decades). I usually respond enthusiastically ("Absolutely! You can go home whenever you want!) and then add in something that will delay "going home" ("However, I'd wait until tomorrow. The traffic/weather is really bad today."). I used to ask if I could go with her ("Can I go too? I'd love to see grandma and grandpa.) and also add in a delay ("But I can't go until tomorrow, is that ok?") but asking to go with her doesn't seem to work anymore (she wants to just leave immediately).

A couple days ago she was like this during one of my visits and I convinced her to go to the gas station with me first. She reluctantly went with me, and then after the gas station, I took her to the mall for a mall walk (I didn't tell her we were going to the mall until we were on our way there). She wasn't totally pleased that we didn't go straight home, but I just kept saying that we'd be really quick at the mall. By the time we'd done a lap of the mall and stopped at her favorite candy shop for a nibble, she'd forgotten about going home for the time being.

TLDR: When my mom wants to go home, I make her feel like that's a good thing and she can do so freely (validation), and then get busy delaying/distracting until she forgets. Repeat ad nauseum.

Lashes32

Thank you for sharing your experiences and suggestions. I’m going to try these approaches in hopes that it will help us both!

I’m grateful for your support and response.

LittleVolcano

LOL. I came back to the forum to search for more "want to go home" solutions and re-read my own response above, thinking Gee, that sounds a lot like me and Mom before realizing it was my own post. HA!

Another possible distraction/delay: This morning Mom wanted to go home (I'm caring for her while Dad's away for the weekend) and since it's morning, I figure she's hungry so I said she could absolutely go home, but there was traffic so let's go after breakfast, and then I made her breakfast (hoping some food and her morning pills might move the needle). After breakfast she disappeared back upstairs and didn't try to go home. I imagine it might start up again because I'm going to go check on her, but at least for the time being, she's just hanging out in her room and not trying to leave (although I suspect she's "packing" again. She does that a lot).

Bless my father for dealing with this 24/7.

hoffmapa

My MIL just filled all her purses with her socks gloves and underwear the other day. She was also packing for home.

kwiesert

I'd be glad for any further experience/wisdom on this topic, and thanks for the above comments as they have been helpful. Been navigating this a lot, and redirecting, delaying are getting less effective and the insistence and packing is increasing.

Thanks.

H1235

Welcome. My mom is stage 4 and going home was not just an abstract feeling. She saw no reason she should not be able to live alone in her own home. She was angry and demanded answers. Her memory isn’t bad (her issues are logic, reasoning and anosognosia) so diverting her attention didn’t work and she saw right through fibs. Her demands were so insistent it was easy to get sucked into trying to explain and reason with her. Obviously this didn’t work and only made her more angry. There were a few times when I told her I didn’t want to talk about it and if she continued I would leave. This didn’t work either. She would continue and I would leave. It was so hard. Her question was valid- just explain why I have to live here and can’t go home. The problem is because of the anosognosia there was nothing that would convince her she wasn’t safe to live alone. Medication helped a lot. She has been out of her home for 2 years now. She used to talk a lot about all the projects she wanted to do around her house ( power wash the swing, wash the curtains, pull weeds in her garden, ..). I think some of these things (not all) have slipped her mind and that has helped. Lately she is saying she wants to go to her house so she can go through all her things and decide where and to who they should go when she passes. She wanted the phone number for a very distant cousin so she could ask her if she wanted a picture that belonged to my grandma. I had to drag this information out of her. She didn’t think it was any of my business. I’m the executor to her estate. How is the cousin going to get the item if I don’t know about it. She doesn’t want me to touch anything in her house. So I have no good suggestions.

SusanB-dil

@kwiesert - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

This is response to an older post, but you can also search these topics via the search menu.

Wanting to go home is not unusual. It has been said that 'home' is more a feeling of place, rather than 'the place'. There have also been folks who have finally just taken their LO for a car ride around the block. That sometimes placates a person.

(and sorry, I am not 'new', but all my posts have been accidentally deleted.) :(