The many forms of caretaking

Anonymousjpl123

I am taking vacation from my mom (who is in AL) today. She doesn’t have a formal dementia or Alzheimer’s diagnosis but she does have “memory issues” and confusion. No UTI and no other tests. Doctor has still not ruled out atypical dementia but I’m pretty sure it’s because her primary is a first year resident and doesn’t know what he is doing. The neurologist found something in her MRI that she said may be causing the memory issues, but my mom won’t go for follow up.

Truthfully, before now I saw my mom once a year and we rarely spoke. I became caretaker because she can’t live alone (state got involved) and siblings won’t, and I don’t blame them.

i get her to the doctor at least 4 times a year (so far she will only go for non memory issues like diabetes hypertension thyroid) but her primary is at an excellent hospital with an excellent memory center. I can’t force her to do what she won’t do.

i was seeing her 3 times a week and got busy with work so it’s been 2 the past week. Yesterday I spent the day with my late dads accountant doing her taxes so I guess that counts.

No other family sees her regularly because we were all estranged, and now only talk when necessary.

i do love her but sometimes I need a break. She is in a secure facility (not locked but she never leaves), they have medical staff, check on her, and with me she remains extremely demanding and guilt inducing, or totally over the top grateful. I am still taking care of myself because I have to.

Caretaking is not always full of love. It’s complicated for me. I love my mother: I made a promise when she fell apart that if I couldn’t find that love inside me, I would make her stay where she was (near my former sister in law, who was willing to take care of her). She wanted to be near me, and it turns out part of me wanted her near me too.

But I need breaks, and boundaries, and that is ok. I also resent the crap out of her for never taking care of me, apparently quite common for us gen Xers. I probably sound like a terrible person but I get sick of pretending it’s a joy to take care of my mom. I do find myself doing that because who can be bothered with dirty looks.

i love my mom, and would not have taken this on if I didn’t, but my feelings about caretaking are not always pretty.

happy Saturday all!!!! If nothing else, I hope I helped someone feel less guilty. ❤️