Am I being selfish and callous?

Aussea

I moved to the US with my wife over 20 years ago, the remainder of my family continue to live in Australia.

My mother has been diagnosed with vascular dementia and Alzheimer's. I'm trying to be as supportive as I can to my sister and father who are the primary caregivers.

My mother has aggressive reactions to my sister or her son (my nephew) even doing simple things such as mowing their front lawn, while remaining in denial of the diagnosis itself. Medical staff tell us that she is in mid/late-stage degeneration, with things only going to decline from here.

My sister's updates tell me she is already struggling with stress brought on by visits from satellite family and friends that aren't a part of her immediate circle - even the 4-year neighbor is frequently suspected as a burglar when she hears him moving around in his back yard.

Here's my problem.

I've now lived here in the States for nearly as long as I lived in Australia. My wife, my career, my friends, my assets are all here. Added to this, my wife suffers from chronic pain and other issues that have required frequent surgeries over the years - with high probability of more in the future.

The emotional side of me feels a desperate desire to go home to see her - that one last time.

The rationale side of me tells me that the opportunity to see 'Mum' as I know her has long since passed. Added to this, I'm concerned that re-introducing 'me' into her environment may be counterproductive to the overall management process and if it's not - my departure could be (I can't stay there forever). Even if I were to go - what can I actually do in a short time span that would have any impact that would validate the disruptive risks, and how do I remain supportive to my wife's health issues if I'm on the other side of the map?

Is it callous of me to be accepting that Mum (as I remember her) is no longer there?

Am I being selfish in that I'm not leaping into the situation physically and simply finding excuses to not be there?

I've put the offer of whatever financial assistance I can provide out there, and I remain 'in the loop' on the discussion - but I remain torn on what the right/responsible thing to do is knowing that anything I do/don't do has impact to someone in my life.

Feels somewhat like a situation where regardless of what I do - someone I love is going to be hurt.

towhee

You are trying to do what is best for everyone, and that is not being selfish. Usually we tell the far away family member to support the local caregiver. You are keeping up with things and you are offering help. In talking with your sister what do you think she needs? Sometimes the local caregiver will not be specific and it might be helpful to talk to another family member on the ground to see what you can do. You might be able to arrange something thru another family member such as meals or activities for your mom, or research info solutions to problems. Do you do phone calls with your mom now, is that at all helpful or does it cause a problem. Being physically present is just not always possible.

MN Chickadee

I think if it were me I would make the trip home to see her one last time and say what I needed to but each of us is different. I just know I would not want to go the rest of my life without saying the things in my heart when she was still alive. My mother and I still found connection, and some moments we shared even later in the Alzheimers journey carry me still long after her death. Your mom will not be the woman you remember but that doesn't mean you can't connect still. My mother loved looking at old photos of family and friends. She didn't always know who they were but they clearly stirred something in her. I would bring photos and her favorite music on a speaker and we would just sit quietly together and she would smile at me when she saw certain photos. She was not the intelligent and active mother I once knew but it was still something. Could you arrange support for your wife for a week or two? It could be it would go fine and mom would welcome seeing you, if not that's not the end of the world. Bring treats and music, set expectations low. At least you could support the rest of the family and see for yourself what's going on and where you can can help from afar. If you do go I would do everything to make it easy on the caregivers. Offer to stay at a hotel, be helpful with chores or errands and make it clear you will not need to be entertained or have high expectations of how it goes, they need not go out of their way. This would be of utmost importance.

No matter what you decide it is not selfish. You are in a no win situation with no good options. Whatever you decide just make sure you are at peace with it.

jfkoc

One thing I learned from my journey was to try to make decisions that were not going to leave me with a lot of regrets.

If you think you are going to beat yourself up later then go for your own wellbeing. I doubt that a visit from you will matter a great deal to your mother.

Is that selfish? I guess so but certainly not callous.