Mom can’t live alone but won’t accept caregiver

Laurie P

Hi- my mom had been living at home with my dad and her dementia was moderate, he passed in February and she can’t live alone but won’t accept a caregiver. She won’t move in with my sister or myself, insists she can live alone and when we try to get caregiver she won’t go in her house. She is beyond reasoning with, and she most definitely can’t stay home alone. She doesn’t seem to be bad enough to go somewhere- but I’m out of ideas… we are going to try some type of sedative but she won’t willingly take medication either… ugh

M1

Welcome to the forum laurie. In all likelihood she is in fact "bad enough to go somewhere." This happens to all of us, familiarity tends to dull our sense of objectivity and it's a natural tendency not to want to think the worst. Do you or your sister have power of attorney for her? If so, you need to plan for her safety and not expect her to consent voluntarily. If not, getting it or guardianship is your first order of business, you'll need a certified elder law attorney to help plan and execute this.

Im sorry you're facing this but this forum is a good place for support.

towhee

Hi Laurie. It is often advised that someone stay with the PWD at their home for a few days to get a better idea of their capabilities. It is possible for people to hold it together enough for a few hours that family does not get an accurate picture. Would she be able to react appropriately in case of a fire, does she have spoiled food in the fridge, bill paying etc. Also take a good look at all the things your family is doing that are making it possible for her to stay at home now. This will help you to decide on a level of care. If you feel she needs 24 hour care and will not accept a caregiver then AL/MC is definitely a possibility. If she moves to live with you, be prepared that at some point you will need another person to help, as one person cannot do it alone forever. You will absolutely need a DPOA, no matter what you do.

Reasoning is quite probably no longer possible. But if you change your approach to fiblets and manipulation you might get somewhere. Check out the Dementia Careblazers youtube channel for ideas. How to get your loved one with dementia to go to a nursing home EVEN when they don't want to go - YouTube is an example.