Mom doesn’t trust anyone

shoelover23

My dad has advanced dementia and can’t be left alone so I stay with him several days a week for my mom to get out to dr apts and grocery shopping etc. In the past year my mom has shown signs of dementia as well. She forgets things that happened and is paranoid to the degree that she’s accusing her daughter in law and grandson in law of stealing things that she cannot find in her house. She no longer wants anyone in her house except me. And until today I have been correcting her when she says things that I KNOW are incorrect. Today when I did it, it started a big fight as she was leaving for her Dr apt I know my son in law is not stealing from her but she’s adamant that he is. I defend my children but I don’t know how to handle this. And all the load falls on me since as of yet, I’m the only one not stealing from her. I don’t know what to do. If anyone has advice it would be appreciated, thank you

M1

Have you thought about getting supervised care/liviing situation for both of them? Sounds like it's time to worry about her capacity to take care of your dad. Always an early question--do you have powers of attorney? If not talking to a certified elder law attorney needs to be something you do as soon as possible. There are medications that may help the paranoia, but if she's delusional she needs someone to take care of her, too. I'm sorry you're facing this.

shoelover23

Thank you, I do have POA and am looking into options. It appears things are coming faster than I had hoped. Thank you again for the advice and kind words

harshedbuzz

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but glad you found this place.

Yours is a very difficult situation.

Has your mom been officially diagnosed? It would be tragic if your mom had some condition-- like a vitamin or hormone deficiency-- that mimics dementia but isn't and could be effectively treated. I you prioritized getting her screened at the very least. If you don't have a signed HIPAA form at her PCP's office, you could contact the doc with your concerns even if s/he can't loop you in. Or you could get a sitter for dad and attend an appointment with her.

I feel the bigger immediate issue here is her out and about without supervision. Is she driving? The sort of delusions/paranoia you are describing is more of a mid- to late-stage behavior IME. I would worry about her driving at this stage.

As for the delusion and accusations, it's usually best to validate feelings and even to go along with something non-committal like "I'm so sorry that happened to you" than try to convince her otherwise. I know it's hard to hear; my dad used to accuse me of stealing from him all the time. I would apologize and he'd move on.