Mom won’t come home from friends

Hollyflower36

My mother is in middle stage Alzheimer’s. Her friend wanted her to come over for a sleepover with another two friends that they went to college with.

Before leaving, my mother was being difficult and angry because I wouldn’t let her do certain things because of safety reasons. I thought it would do her good to be around friends and socialize.

She left and now will not come home. She has manipulated them and they are enabling her.

what do I do? Call the police? Can they force her to come home? I do not know the process. I am her daughter and care taker. My oldest brother is power of atty. What are my options? I am beside myself.

M1

If your brother has poa he may have to be the one to break the impasse. What are these "friends" proposing, that she stay with them indefinitely? Who's going to pay? If your brother controls the purse strings that may help, but i hope for everyone s sake you don't have to go to such a drastic step. Please let us know what happens.

harshedbuzz

When I first read your post I was reminded of O. Henry's The Ransom of Red Chief.

I would assume the POA has the power to break this up, but I wouldn't be surprised if natural consequences settle it especially if mom doesn't have access to cash.

HB

Hollyflower36

She is supposed to be home Friday.

After calming down, I realized I should have never let her go in the first place.

I have decided that if her Friends want to visit, they will have to visit her here at her home.

I am just concerned she may take off again and then what do I do?

She has a very covert narcissistic personality. If she doesn’t get what she wants, when she wants it, she will find a way or make your life hell until she does.

I am having a difficult time controlling her. On top of that she is very passive aggressive. It is extremely exhausting.

Thank you for your advice. ☺️

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Hollyflower36

I am her caregiver, my brother is POA. He is in a high stress job and says he can’t deal with this right now unless emergency.

She is high functioning verbally but also a life long covert narcissist. If she doesn’t get what she wants she will find a way no matter who she hurts. She is also and alcoholic. Doctor said no more period. She is furious and I won’t give in so I know she is drinking at her friends. Also, manipulated my brother into letting her drink when he came over to watch her for 24 hours.

Angry, mean, passive aggressive and sneaky.

She will do this again or something worse.

Can POA force her into assisted living or do you have to deem her incompetent?

harshedbuzz

It depends on how the POA is written. If it's springing, you may need to have a physician(s) sign off.

That said, if she's an alcoholic, AL isn't going to restrict her in-take and if she acts out will likely show her the door. If you do decide on a secure MCF, you may need to safely detox her depending on her usual consumption.

HB

M1

Holly there have been a number of threads about the pitfalls of being the designated caregiver when you don't have the poa. This is one of them. I hope you have a copy of all the documents and would read them carefully. Are you being paid or otherwise reimbursed for looking after your mother ((such as room and board?). Just wondering if you are enabling your brother to avoid his responsibilities. You may need to consult an attorney for yourself. Tough to know without more information, but nothing more frustrating than being in a position of responsibility with no authority and i personally wouldn't stand for it. May take some time to figure your way out but it doesn't sound like a sustainable situation.

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jfkoc

This may come off sounding bad but if she is safe I think I would let her stay and try to enjoy some peace.

I would take a good look at that POA and hope it is a DPOA. Either way your brother is responsible for what ever it says, not you so turn it over.

GemsWinner12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/171817#Comment_171817

HaHaHa!!! I love the reference here; if I recall correctly, the kidnappers had to pay the parents to take the kid back. Honestly, her friends probably do not realize what they are in for if they decide to "keep" your loved one. Of course, inform your brother/POA of the situation, and I would also contact the friends hosting and let them know that your Mom intends to stay longer than anticipated. You might also *try* to Not let your frustration/emotions get through to your Mom, even though I am sure that you're worried and fearful about her potential actions. She may be reverting to child-like behavior, and even getting somewhat of a kick out of your reaction. You could even contemplate playing along and telling her that of course you love her, and "just let me know if you decide you would like to come back home-where all your things are".