Feeling judged

GmaChar

Dad was moved to MC almost two months ago from AL where he lived for almost three years after finding out he had Alzheimers. Dad also has just been diagnosed with cancer and has begun hospice. He has an old friend who has been judgmental of me for encouraging him to make the initial move and was vary angry at me when it was time to go to MC. Dads friend was coming for visits and on those days dad would be angry at the nurses and have bad anxiety. We tried to cut the visits back but his friend would ignore these request. After almost a month and a half of trying to work with him and advice from family and the nursing staff I informed him he is not allowed to come anymore. My dad is doing much better with the anger and anxiety now but his friend keeps calling me as he disagrees with my decision. I blocked his number so he is having other people call me. I have felt so judged by him and really am struggling with stress myself because of my dads illness and cant handle much more of this. My dads friend is older and obviously having a hard time himself but I have to protect my dad and feel guilty about the whole thing. He is an old guy and I dont want to get him in trouble but this has to end. Any advice?

harshedbuzz

Hello and welcome. I am sorry for your need to be here but glad you found this place.

I can sympathize with your situation because I dealt with a much, much less intense form of this around making changes in my parents' lives with the diagnosis and progression of dad's mixed dementia.

Initially, it was mom's neighbors in FL who objected to our decision for mom to sell her home there and move north to where she raised me. I heard a lot about "not having the right" and how "she could leave him with you and spend the winters here because it would be good for her". FTR, the previous winter and the incident that led to mom finally allowing dad to be evaluated was her developing an autoimmune liver failure and almost dying with dad too impaired to notice his wife was the color of a school bus and them twiddling their thumbs. I elected not to block their calls and was fortunate they tapered off and became less interested.

My uncle was harder. This was dad's younger brother; my dad's parents were sort of asleep at the switch and dad practically raised his younger by 8 years little brother. Uncle carried a lot of guilt for ghosting dad in the early and middle stages when dad was unfiltered socially. As they were part of the same social circle at the club, he was dead socially which was why my parents moved away in the first place. While uncle had cared for his FIL with dementia, he seemed to have little understanding as it applied to his brother. He wasn't a partner in any way-- I think his guilt and dad's reduced circumstances pained him-- but he was good for a drive-by visit every 6 weeks or so. He challenged the choice of where my mom moved not realizing that her options were limited by the $350K dad lost day-trading. He didn't agree with the decision to move him into memory care feeling it was "too soon". And then he pestered me about putting a TV in dad's room insinuating that I was "too cheap" to do so and insisting he would. By this point dad couldn't differentiate between TV and reality-- crime shows, local news and even weather terrified him. Plus, we hoped that he'd socialize more in the MC's lounges where content was controlled on the TVs.

My uncle never pulled this with my mom and she and my husband thought I was reading his concern all wrong as uncle was not a favorite of mine as I hold the man responsible for chasing my parents out of my life and leaving my kid with autism without real grandparents and me without family in the area. They moved back 2 months after DS graduated from college and could be of use to them. One evening, he called to complain and I put him on speaker so they could hear what I heard. The next time he called, my DH took the phone and "gently suggested" he knock it off which worked.

You didn't flesh out your profile, so I can't be certain if you are a man or a woman though I suspect the latter. Sometimes these misogynistic old goats need to be told off by someone of their own gender. If you have access to a husband or brother, I would try to deploy them. Otherwise, if you're in a smaller town I might reach out to local LE on the non-emergency line to ask about whether this rises to the level of harassment. You may have to take steps to shut him down and I suspect you could make a case for stalked. You could also call the 800 number here and speak to a trained care consultant how might have better ideas.

HB

Quilting brings calm

Is this person alone in his own life? Does he have a brother, a wife, adult offspring, a caregiver? If so - find out how to contact them - even if it’s a message on Facebook. Tell them what the situation is and that they need to get him to knock it off. It’s possible that his judgement is impaired.

Otherwise- tell him to take his complaints to the nursing staff - the ones that told you to restrict him from visiting. They won’t have any qualms telling him the truth now that you’ve said he isn’t allowed to visit.

It sounds to me like he is putting his fears about his own future into the situation.

GmaChar

Thank you both so very much for your story and feed back. It feels so good to have support and advice. I am a a daughter and do feel that might be part of the problem with dads friend, Jack. He appears not to take me serious and knows how to push my buttons which in the end made me lose my temper and I was very angry on the phone call. He has a wife that dad, in the past said they didnt spend much time together as they have different interests and children who live out of state. I just received word that Jack had a serious surgery but is doing well and of course I feel even more terrible. I explained the situation to the bearer of this news, another friend of dads and he said he understood why we made the decision we did which was a relief to hear. He also said Jack considers dad like a brother and is devastated that he cant visit him which of course makes me feel even worse. I agree that his judgment has to be impaired and he doesnt want to accept that dad is different now. Maybe I should ask his wife who I have never spoke to , to suggest to Jack to find an Alzhimers information and training class so that he knows how dads life and brain has changed. I think I will change my phone number to avoid any more phone calls. I can tell you feel my pain and have had such a struggle. I hope you find some peace. Its so hard going through this and then any additional stress feels breaking.

thank you again!!!