By White Crane: Compassion Fatigue and dealing with new confusion

White Crane

I just read an article on Compassion Fatigue and it really hit home with me. It sounded like what I have been experiencing but had no name for. I've been feeling impatient, tired, and a number of other feelings. The article talked about our reaction when our empathy is pushed to the limit. When we want to help but are helpless to fix the situation and hear it over and over again. I'm not explaining it well but I hope you get the idea. I try to be compassionate and empathetic towards my DH but after listening to the same complaints and witnessing the same confusion...and some new...day after day, I sometimes feel drained and like there just isn't anymore left to give. That's not a good situation. The article talked about making a safety plan. Things like listing who I can call for help or how can I get away for awhile and recharge. Also, how to keep DH safe during these times. Like I said, I hope this makes sense.

The new confusion I mentioned in the title refers to the fact that since DH was in the hospital in March, he seems to be forgetting more and getting confused at times as to where he is among other things. Yesterday, he "remembered" that he doesn't drive anymore and didn't know why not. He was rather shocked to hear that he hadn't driven in six years. When he asked if he could drive at all, I had to tell him no. He slumped back in his recliner and looked like he was in total despair. I didn't know for sure what to say except that I was so sorry. He hasn't been confused about not driving before yesterday. That is just one example. There are several other things, too.

In order to end on a positive note, the other night while lying in bed, he kept asking me what today was and what is tomorrow and what month is this and how he felt confused, etc. I must have started to sound exasperated because he suddenly said, "I'm still Larry and I still love you." That touched me deeply. Thanks for listening.

Ed1937

"I'm still Larry and I still love you." Those are some healing words. I'm glad you could hear them. But yes, it's very hard, and for that I'm sorry.

M1

I agree Brenda it's a very real phenomenon. Everyone in caring/service professions deals with this professionally, and then we have to deal with it personally too. It can definitely spill over into family life and all areas. Wish there were easier solutions about how to deal with it.

Quilting brings calm

Yes, I’ve been at compassion fatigue level for a while now with my parents. Mom has now resumed the whining and complaining at her prior level so one of her mood medications might need to be increased. She is also back to asking if her confusion will ever improve.

Meanwhile one of my best friends is in the hospital after major surgery. She lied to everyone about how serious it was and told her daughter she didn’t need to fly home to help. So I’ve practically lived at the hospital for 3 days. And several more to go plus care needed after discharge. I’m angry - because I need to be home grieving for my son whom I lost two weeks ago.

Definitely compassion fatigue.

BethL

Quilting, you should not feel obligated to "live" at the hospital with your friend. If you want to, fine, but obligated, no. Call her daughter and let her know her mom needs her. You have to take care of you!

toolbeltexpert

Brenda I find myself in that place sometimes when something simple sets me off, I tend to have to repress my emotions cause if they spilled out it would not be good and not just with dw. It comes and goes. The name fits it well, but I didn't know they had a name for it. I hope I am understanding correctly. Those are definitely positive words, thanks for expressing that, those are things we need to remember. Precious Memories. Sorry to hear about your son.

Daughter of a Marine

Brenda, you are clearly not alone but I know that doesn't help much. I strongly relate to what you described. My DH was diagnosed with Dementia 10 yrs ago and is in mid state now (which I have read is the longest stage). The dailyness of his many issues, the "no end in sight" aspect of this hellish disease, is incredibly wearing. He does not know, nor care to know, what day, month or year it is. If I mention the name of one of our grandkids, I get a blank stare and I have to help him understand who it it, whose child, etc. If I forget to lock the garage, he gets in there and pulls out off-season decorations, e.g., tried to set up our manger scene last week. If I don't remove the hose nozzle, he will water the garden until it's floating. I know he is bored but adult day care is not something we can afford. I feel trapped in prison with a life sentence. Compassion, empathy, tolerance - are all in short supply. He is argumentative and obstinate - gets furious when he insists on driving and I won't give him the keys. I could go on but I'll spare you. I'm sorry you all have need to be here and I pray for you all as I pray for DH and myself. God bless us all.

Ed1937

Daughter, I don't know if this is something that you could look into, but it's worth a read. https://www.assistedliving.org/what-is-a-medicaid-waiver/

JC5

So many of us can relate Thank you for reminding me I am not the only person who feels this way.

Quilting brings calm

BethL- two mutual friends have stepped up and are now sharing/rotating hospital visits with me. We’ve asked for a case manager and we’ve made it plain that we ( the three of us) cannot be her 24 hour assistance when she goes home. We are asking that PT/OT re-evaluate her for a need to go to a rehab until she can go home mostly alone. I called her daughter last night and told her the real story and asked her to fly up. Still waiting to hear that she booked a flight.

Buggsroo

Brenda,

I love the fact your husband told you his name and said he loved you. That was a gift.

Some days I am so tired I want to vomit. When I was in art school I used to gaze longingly at my bed while I was pulling endless all nighters, saying that we had a date as soon as my projects were handed in. Now I am back to where I was in art school, longingly looking at my bed, desperately wanting to crawl back in, ignoring meowing cats and insistant husband. So yes, compassion fatigue is real.

Sometimes I do Munch’s silent scream in the basement or I chatter endlessly with myself, willing myself to go upstairs and clean up more pee and poo, or make a meal. Yes it is endless.

When the psw leaves, I have this insane wish to run away with her, leave the husband and go off and book a hotel room, get room service and drink myself giddy. Then reality clicks in sigh. Oh well, this too shall pass.

Just Bill

I experience an emotional delayed reaction when dealing with anything emotional besides dealing with my wife 24/7. Lately 2 tasks I have taken over are the kitchen and laundry. My wife still thinks she can do those tasks and it is impossible to get her to back off. What is working lately is I have been telling her the doctor called and said no more work of any kind. She still makes a complete mess of my process. I am a machinist and any repetitive task becomes a process. All of my quirks related to scheduling, order, routine, and process are routinely violated by my wife's perpetual meddling. Consequently I have had to learn to just let things go. That has been a very difficult thing for me, who is an anal retentive, type A personality. Lots and lots of breathing exercises, meditation and working out have allowed me to just let things go. It turns out I am getting too good at just letting things go. Our dog escaped the other day and normally that would have really bothered me but my first thought was oh well we will just have to get another dog. We found the dog but if we hadn't I would have been an emotional mess, but in that moment I just let it go. I have an idiot nephew that got himself put in jail. My first reaction was he probably needed to be there. Later I thought about it and bailed his sorry ass out. But there again, first reaction blow it off and let it go. My new let it go philosophy has been a new tool I have been using with success to enjoy my golf game more. No more tantrums.

GothicGremlin

Thank you, White Crane, for posting this. I knew I was feeling something like this, but I didn't have a name for it. Once I had a name, I went looking for other articles about it. I found this one from Aging Care that's pretty good.

The article lists many warning signs like, feeling overwhelmed, not wanting to be around your loved one, a decrease in patience, etc.

My takeaway? I need a vacation. 😄

White Crane

Gothic Gremlin, i’ve come to the same conclusion. Vacation sounds wonderful!

jfkoc

It was the Sunday morning of my 50th reunion and someone asked where Penny was. Her cousin replied that she was on her way home and to tell people she had "run out of nice"

I have used that explanation many times since....please stick it up on your frig!!!!!

PookieBlue

It’s a beautiful day. I’ve rented a cabin 4 hours north of home and we are staying seven days. I have a campfire all ready to light tonight whenever I’m ready. My DH kind of thinks we are at Crow Wing lake in Minnesota (wrong state) where we used to go to his family get togethers. When we arrived, I was exhausted and my back hurt from all the lifting. DH tried to help unload, but he took stuff to the neighbors cabin and I had to redirect him. I don’t know how much longer I will be able to manage trips, but for now will hope for the best. It is good to get away and if you’re able, try to take a vacation. Just Bill, as far as your nephew, you have enough on you plate. Your nephew needs to take responsibility for his own bad choices. Also, my DH often creates more work for me when he wants to help. I try to give him some task to keep him busy so I can focus on EVERYTHING else that needs to get done. Although he is not very steady on his feet, I can have him vacuum or fold kitchen towels or any simple task that I don’t need to micromanage.