Emotional/Verbal abuse vs. Physical abuse

JC5

Because I can chalk this day up to yet another of a string of being yelled at etc. I’d like to know why we ,meaning the people that are caregivers, are supposed to justify our LO ‘s poor behavior because their brain is broken and accept the verbal and emotional abuse, but as soon as it becomes physical we need to have a locked safe room and protect ourselves from harm! Abuse in any form is not acceptable! Just wondering what your thoughts are. I feel my spirit and confidence being stripped away. Yet I’m supposed to accept this?

Quilting brings calm

It’s not that it’s okay for one and not the other…. It’s the old saying ‘sticks and stones can break my bones but names ….’. You can feel like crap from the emotional abuse but you could die from the physical abuse.

To me, either is a reason to stop the hands on caregiving and move them to a facility.

harshedbuzz

@JC5

This is a very good question. I suspect for most people the answer is something along the lines of sticks and stones, can break my bones but words will never hurt me. Most folks seem to get to a place where the sheer disconnect of their formerly delightful LO's new behavior seems so unlike what they're used to that it's easier to see it in the context of a diseased brain. This allows them to dismiss whatever hurtful nonsense is hurled in their direction and carry on as one might with a tantrumming toddler.

Physical violence is different in that it could potentially be something from which you can't dust yourself off or could cost you the ability to be there for your LO as caregiver and advocate or it could escalate into a situation that brings in a legal system that isn't designed for folks with dementia.

I feel it's more nuanced for others. If the PWD always had a challenging personality and dementia served to intensify that or if the PWD and caregiver historically had a contentious relationship than I could see where it would feel abusive because it is a continuation of an established behavior.

FWIW, my dad and I didn't enjoy an easy relationship ever. With the loss of a social filter and delusions driven by the disease, his attacks on me got pretty intense. This isn't your situation; I had a home to which I could retreat when I needed a break. Being told it's the dementia talking was impossible for me to accept because the scripts I was hearing were the same as those I heard before the dementia struck. I followed the best practices of maintaining my composure, validating as needed and apologizing for all manner of crimes I didn't commit because it-- along with the judicious use of psychoactive medication-- allowed me to manipulate him into doing what I needed him to do.

That said, when the murder-suicide ideation regarding my mom started, we executed my Plan B within the week.

I am sorry for what you are going through.

HB

Shan

Very well said QBC, I totally agree both forms of abuse are hurtful, but physical abuse has the potential to cause serious bodily harm so it needs to be stopped and the victim’s safety immediately addressed. While verbal abuse can hurt and cause long lasting deep emotional damage, it isn’t as black and white of a situation when dealing with a PWD. I find in my own situation with my mom, I can check out emotionally when she’s on a rant and taking her anxiety out on me because I know it’s not my loving mom at that point and it’s her disease making her behave that way. I know I’m fortunate that before her diagnosis she was loving and kind and the type of mom that anyone would hope to have. I can see in situations where loved ones caring for a PWD could be triggered by verbal abuse if they didn’t have a safe relationship prior to the disease making it even worse. So if that’s the situation you find yourself in or if you have just reached your breaking point and can’t be objective about the source of the abusive comments , then it’s ok to find respite care, care support, or another placement for your LO to take care of your health too