Emotional/Verbal abuse vs. Physical abuse

JC5

Because I can chalk this day up to yet another of a string of being yelled at etc. I’d like to know why we ,meaning the people that are caregivers, are supposed to justify our LO ‘s poor behavior because their brain is broken and accept the verbal and emotional abuse, but as soon as it becomes physical we need to have a locked safe room and protect ourselves from harm! Abuse in any form is not acceptable! Just wondering what your thoughts are. I feel my spirit and confidence being stripped away. Yet I’m supposed to accept this?

mrahope

I wish I had answers for this because I'm asking the same questions, too. I get yelled at pretty often and I wonder if it constitutes abuse or disease symptoms, or maybe both?

Lgw

It is a shame that it costs so much to put them in memory care. I've been blessed that my DH never got abusive. Just the opposite. He got nicer and nicer until he stayed in bed for good. I would have a lot of trouble changing his diaper 5-6 times a day of someone who was mean to me.

joytoy

I also have to put up with verbal abuse. I get to take off 2 days a week and every time I return I get slammed for hours with accusations of infidelity. This last week it was the worst ever. Nasty nasty words. After a good nights sleep he has forgotten completely I was ever gone but for 8 to 10 hrs. I am in hell. I know I cannot take this much longer for my own sanity I must somehow get him to go to a home. Thats a whole new problem. Anyway I understand what you are talking about why must we put up with this type of bad behavior even though we know it is the dementia causing it.

JC5

Thank you for your affirmation to this quandary! Good to know others are feeling as I do !

Buggsroo

My husband calls me every name in the book. In fact some I have never heard before, I really must get out more.

All kidding aside, no you don’t deserve to be spoken to like this. Sadly, this is all too common. I honestly don’t see my husband as my husband anymore, because he isn’t. He is a very sick man who needs care and I am basically it.

My advice to you is to look into getting help with him if you can afford it and look into long term care as well. Remember compassion fatigue isn’t just a saying, it is a reality.

Dutiful One

Thank you so much for this post. I came here today looking for help because I'm experiencing the same thing. Where did this narcissistic person come from? How long do I have to function like a Stepford wife? I feel like my dreams and hopes for the future have turned into dread and grief over what lies ahead. I'm no longer a wife; I'm a personal assistant working for no pay and no recognition for anything I do. If I worked for a boss who constantly insulted and questioned everything I do, who called me names, made threats, falsely accused me, and had regular meltdowns, I'd quit. And I'd be in the right to file harassment charges. But this isn't a job, this is my marriage. Yet here I am putting up with it.

So why am I still here? I ask myself that all the time.

JC5

Thank you for acknowledging my feelings. 😘

Ed1937

I guess I have a little different take on this. When we are physically attacked we have to go to a safe place or otherwise get away from the situation to save ourselves. If we are verbally abused, and most of us probably are at some point, it is hard to handle. No doubt about that. But we can't compare these two negatives to each other. The problem with being verbally abused is all about our reactions to it. We have the power to change how we react through therapy, if we can find a good therapist, or taking a course online. Courses are offered by Dr. Natalie Edmonds, and another by Teepa Snow. I never said it was easy. But it is doable. We've all heard the saying, "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me". (Unless we allow it.)

JC5

Ed thank you!

Ed1937

YW

storycrafter

You're absolutely right, abuse in any form is not acceptable. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this difficult situation, JC5. Verbal/emotional abuse is as harmful as physical abuse in its own unique way, sometimes more so. I wish you could find the support you need from the medical, and from the mental health community.

My dh has behavioral variant FTD. In his case medication has provided some relief from the verbal/behavioral issues, for which I'm eternally grateful. There are still difficult verbal/emotional aspects to deal with even so. In recent years I've sought multiple forms of outside support because I knew I could not sustain this kind of existence on my own without falling into serious depression/burnout.

Several months ago I had reached a point where I observed myself really sinking and losing all hope. I've had many low moments I wanted to "throw in the towel." I still often struggle with the feelings. What helped me was to get deeply serious about building my own support system; not from one avenue, but from several different angles. What is truly helpful varies from person to person I'm sure. We are all at different points in this onerous journey. What I'm writing might not apply for you, but I share what I can from where I am, hoping there might be some bit that could be a comfort in some way.

I began taking baby steps when I could, reaching out to others. It's been a long, slow process for me, but, with the help of others I'm keeping my head above water as I attempt to develop more resilience in coping over time. It's taken a lot of work and effort I sometimes had to take breaks from (didn't have energy for it because of depression), until I could make some small move in a helpful direction again. I've found it's the only way I can keep my sanity. It does "take a village, to survive this journey.

Over the years what I've found that helps me the most is ... I now have a grief/dementia counselor on board that I see regularly, a physical trainer I found through a local organization supporting not only the general community but also geared to strenthening out-of-shape seniors, various support groups (I don't attend all of them all the time, but frequently get to- inperson groups, like Al-Anon, which greatly helps with healthy detachment/communication strategies and on-going motivation/self-care, and the local Alzheimer support group). I've also found online support groups; this one mainly and others through websites I discovered through various online webinars/classes supporting inner healing work/self compassion/non-violent communication, and caregiver support. In addition I found some volunteer work that feels satisfying, but doesn't take too much of my time and energy. It gives me a sense of real contribution. I do some journaling and make myself call someone to talk on the phone now and then when I need to get out of my own head.

It's a daunting, exhausting journey. I wish you relief from the pain of your situation and hope you can take comfort in knowing you are not alone.

JudyMorrowMaloney

I too have been there. My DH has behaviorial variant FTD. I agree that abuse in any form is unacceptable no matter what the reason. My DH has called me some pretty disgusting names and also acuses me of infidelity when I have to go out. He grills me to death about who I see and who I talk to. I keep telling him I don't see or talk to anyone because I'm always locked in the house with him. He has also gotten violent and I can remember sleeping with the car keys in my pocket in case I had to make a run for it. Nobody should have to go through this! His primary care doctor refused to commit him even after I told her all of this. The system is terrible! The psych wards won't keep them in there for more than a week and then let him out. I had him placed in a nursing home for a while but I didn't feel he was getting proper care there but I had to do it for my own safety. He has calmed down and I brought him home eventually but the insults and name calling hasn't stopped. We have 8 1/4 years into this. I have caregiver burnout and this isn't sustainable.

I think the worst thing the mental health system did was deinstituationalize the very sick ones. Alot of them are homeless and a danger to the community. I think there are some people that need to be locked up! People who do not have sound minds and can't make rational decisions need to be locked up. Forget about their right not to be locked up, if someone is a danger to the community or to their family, I feel they have lost those rights!