Struggling with DH VD and inappropriate behavior

Pamela Anne

Hello. Im new here but desperate for your help and guidance. My husband was diagnosed with vascular dementia. The inappropriate behavior that accompanies it has left me devastated and it absolute shock. I do not know how to deal with it. I want to confront him, but I think I need to get my emotions in check before that happens.
First he accused me and a family friend of having a sexual relationship, then he offered me up to the friend. What do I do?

M1

welcome to the forum, you have come to a good place for advice and support. You call his doctor right away and report this. It's pretty common, unfortunately. No point in confronting him, because he doesn't understand what he's doing. It may well take medication to tamp it down, if often does.

Ed1937

Welcome to the forums, but sorry you need it. I have to agree with M1. Accusations of infidelity are common. That happened to me, and to many others here. It is hard to hear, but hopefully you can get some much needed help from his doctor.

With this disease, there are many times trying to prove them wrong about something is not only a waste of time, but it makes it harder for both of you.

harshedbuzz

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your need to be here, but glad you found this place.

Sadly, this is pretty much garden variety dementia behavior. My dad used to accuse my mom of infidelity repeatedly in stages 5 and 6. It was very painful for her as he had been the serially unfaithful partner in the marriage, and it stirred up that trauma.

TBH, I feel like this was anxiety driven. While he wasn't aware of how impaired he was (anosognosia) he, like most with dementia, was able to read the emotional temperature of the room and was reacting to my mom's anger and frustration with having her happy retirement and day-to-day peace shattered by his dementia. Dad had mixed dementia; one was an alcohol-related form which had the potential for some improvement with abstinence until the Alzheimer's progressed.

She initially tried to defend herself and that never went well. I spent many evenings responding to her SOS when he'd get aggressive over this. I could usually smooth things over by pointing out how much she loved him, how devoted she was and how she'd never look at another man with so fine a specimen at home. His brother could as well.

Some folks suggest apologizing for imaginary transgressions. I struggled to buy-in on that strategy. Dad and I never had an easy relationship so this was hard for me. But I did try it once. Dad accused me of selling one of his houses for much less than it was worth; it came up every time I saw him. I was stupid, I was dishonest, I stole the money, etc. One day when I was videotaping him to share with his geriatric psychiatrist, I apologized profusely saying I was sorry I was stupid and would never do it again. It worked. Just putting this out there.

What helped the most was medication. Dad saw a geriatric psychiatrist for medication to help relieve his delusions and dial back his anxiety. We were able to hit a balance between calmer (not perfect but doable) without sedation. I highly recommend this route.

HB