I do not know how much longer I can do this

MeMyself&I

DH began exhibiting memory issues in 2017 and was DX with bvFTD in 2019. I have been his sole care giver for the past two years since our son graduated from HS and went to college. I work full-time from home; organize/take care of all items (shopping, cooking, laundry, bills, repairs, doctor's appointment, legal issues etc.) in our home and help him (he can still go out in public independently and can take himself out for walks, get coffee, use the bus, etc.). In many, many ways, we are the luckiest people with this DX, but I have been struggling with suicidality for a year. I have both a psychiatrist and a counselor, but the only thing that keeps me alive is knowing our son and our daughter (in grad school) should not have to stop their lives for their father so I cannot have my release while he is alive.

MeMyself&I

Just posting this has helped give me a slight relief in my day. Ty.

toolbeltexpert

Memyself&I your brave to openly admit your thoughts, I wish I could come and hold your hand right now. Please if you need to talk, call 988 it's the 24 /7 suicide prevention number your not alone in this you're going thru the greatest trial in life right now, please don't be afraid to call. You are a person of great value! I am praying for you. If want to message me feel free.

Rick4407

Hello Memyself&I, I have had those thoughts. In my darkest times I would reset my goals to the immediate future. "I just need to get to lunch." "I just need to get to dinner." Keeping my goals very very close enabled my to make progress. It was a battle everyday. Just one event or at most one day at a time. I wish you strength! Rick

jfkoc

sending a shoulder, a hug and a hand to hold.

Please know how much we care........

Iris L.

Me,Myself&I, you have a lot on your plate. I have a few suggestions. Do your psychiatrist and counselor know you have suicidal thoughts? What are they doing for you in this area? Are you dealing with guilt feelings? You are not alone. Dementia is overwhelming, there is nothing to feel guilty about, you are doing the best you can.

Actually, you may be doing too much. You cannot do everything all by yourself! Have you begun thinking about bringing in help or delegating some chores or errands? If you read a lot of threads, you will see that a prominent theme for caregivers is, don't let dementia take down two lives! Your life is worth caring for and saving on its own! Think hard about what you can do to make YOUR life better and more fulfilling. Caregiving is important, but there is life besides caregiving. Keep reading posts and stay involved. Your fellow members will support you. You are not alone. I fell into a deep depression and my cyberfriends helped me climb out of a deep hole.

Iris

Denise1847

Dear MeMyself&I, If we are all honest, we have all thought about giving up and leaving this world. I know I have but my faith kept me going. Please talk to your caregivers, reach out to a hotline or friends to talk through this and pray. You may be feeling like you can't do it anymore but look how strong you have been and what you have been able to master. Please fight for your life and future that will come eventually. How about getting a housekeeper in every other week, buy take out and get out with friends.

Jgirl57

Even though your DH can still do things independently, you have been emotionally dealing with this since 2017.

I do hope you have discussed your dark thoughts with the psychiatrist. It might be time somehow for respite for you. Big big hugs to you.

Ed1937

Mm&I, This is a terrible disease that just keeps taking and taking. I have a son who has had suicidal thoughts for many years. Whenever you feel those thoughts coming on, please call the suicide helpline at 988 for help. Your life is important, and people here really do care about you. And keep posting. Being active with the forum will do a lot of good for you.

JudyMorrowMaloney

I have to say I have had the same thoughts. This is too much for anybody. Nobody deserves to go through this. But, we are only human and do the best we can. Every day is a battle for us. Definitely let your doctor know what you are going through. My doctor gave me medication that is helping me to get through each day. That is all we have to get through.

JudyMorrowMaloney