By Beachfan: Afterward….

Beachfan

Last evening marked 3 weeks since DH passed; one week ago today, we laid him to rest. I cared for him at home for 11 years and he resided in a MCF for the past 17 months. I was accustomed to an empty house, sleeping alone, cooking for one and dining solo. It has been years since he recognized me or any family members; I was having trouble remembering our life before Alzheimer’s, remembering him as whole. Much of that changed with his passing. I am overwhelmed by the memories that have come flooding back, the photographs and videos shared, the stories relayed, the sheer number of people, young and old, who have stopped by to share in celebrating his life. Now I am left with the finality of it all. He was here, and now he’s gone; sometimes it seems like yesterday, sometimes it seems like forever ago. Sometimes my heart aches, sometimes it’s just another day like so many before.

I have no message in this post, no question, no vent, just thinking out loud, reflecting. My journey with DH and Alz, although long and tedious, was happily without drama. He was easy to care for until he wasn’t. I kept him at home until I didn’t. But through it all, and for as long as we’ve been together, I’ve always maintained that if I should lose him, there would be no regrets. Every day was a good day with him. I wish each of you could experience the happiness I have enjoyed as well as the peace that I now anticipate. Blessings.

Battlebuddy

I love what you wrote.. that’s my goal too. No regrets.

Vitruvius

Beachfan, I really appreciate your post. My DW is in the final inning of her journey with dementia. I too feel that when it all ends I will have no regrets. I'm sorry it has to end the way it will, but it doesn't negate the joy of being her partner for so many good years.

Rick4407

BeachFan I've been reading your posts for 5 years. They are still full of insight and meaning for me. My DW died the same day as your husband, just a few hours earlier. It has been a long road for both of us and continues to be tough. I hope your journey get easier. Rick

Denise1847

Dear BeachFan, I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope and pray that you will find peace as time goes on. I appreciate your "no regret" philosophy. My husband and I have always try to live that way. I am now trying to care for him with that same spirit. Peace and comfort to you. You have run the race and now is your time to rest and care for yourself.

Joe C.

Beachfan, Thank you for checking in and sharing your experience/outlook on this phase of your journey.

M1

Love the photograph--and the sentiment. Glad to hear from you. No regrets is a good goal and a good place to end up. Peace to you.

White Crane

Beach fan, I appreciate what you wrote. I’m happy for you that you have no regrets. That is a wonderful tribute to you and your husband and to the love that you shared. God bless you in the coming weeks. And thank you for always being so supportive in your posts. Sending hugs.

Brenda

toolbeltexpert

Thanks for your heartfelt post, great picture. Happy mothers day btw. Although I still have my dw so much of what you have written really resonates with me.

mrl

Oh Beachfan,

It's so true, it is (grief) the price we pay for loving someone. I think of you often and how brave you've been. My DH's favorite song was "Alfie" what's it all about-I say every day. Prayers and as always thank you for your honesty.

Happy Mothers Day

Michele

Ed1937

Beachfan, thank you. Your post was real and admired by everyone here. The quote of Yogi next to the pic of your husband could not have been better. I'm sure they both looked down smiling on it.

Jazzma

Thank you so much for your post. My DH is in mid-late stages Alzheimers, still happy to be home and easy to take care of. I think every day about what it will be like when he is gone and try to make the most of the time we have now.

Dio

Beachfan, what a beautiful and inspiring post?! I only wish I can be as strong when my turn comes.

Hope you're enjoying and celebrating Mother's Day!

Jgirl57

Thank you for sharing your after thoughts and sweet memories. I pray you have a restorative summer at the beach

Jeff86

Eloquent and touching post, Beachfan. I’ve followed your journey through the years I’ve been on this forum and appreciate your poignant observations.

its great to hear that pre-Alzheimer’s memories have returned…those of us still in the scrim can use that boost.

JoseyWales

Hi Beachfan - I hear peace in your post. Even if you don't feel it now, I can tell you're going to get there soon.

I love that you have been able to share memories of him with so many people. I have considered having no memorial service once DH passes. It's been so long since he knew anyone and almost no one goes to visit any more. But hearing about how the memories others have shared with you is making me rethink that.

I think of you often.

Beachfan

Thank you, Josie. I think about you as well. I knew from the start that we had to have some kind of calling hours for Jim; over his 45 years of teaching and coaching, he had touched the lives of just about everyone in town and was working on second generation by the time he retired. The evening that they lit the baseball field was an eye opener; I knew we needed to provide an opportunity for people to pay their respects. The funeral director, a long time friend, suggested using my Church and suddenly everything blossomed from there. The church was filled, the memorial Mass was beautiful, and the procession to the cemetery was very long. I knew he was well respected and well loved, but I was still surprised at the turnout. The procession took a route that passed by the baseball field and all the current players were lined up along the fence in full uniform; I was stunned- - those young men didn’t even know him; he retired in 2010. Aside from a eulogy by his close friend and one by our oldest son, I didn’t shed a tear until I saw those kids at the field. Thankfully, we planned ahead and reserved a large area at the local country club for a crowded funeral dinner and I think everyone was grateful to have the time to reconnect and reminisce, in spite of the circumstances.

All in all, the service was a necessity as well as a blessing. It was way more than he would have been comfortable with during his lifetime; he was a quiet, low key kind of guy. But it was a great comfort for me, knowing how well respected and how well loved he was in his community. Should you choose to have a service for your DH when the time comes, I hope it will provide comfort to you and your son. I am happy with the choices we made.

Ed, I’m glad you enjoyed the Yogi quote. Typically, memorial cards at a Catholic service have a prayer on the back. I thought Yogi would be more appropriate, given that Jim was baptized Methodist, but since he didn’t attend the Methodist church, I sent him home by way of my church with some modifications. It all worked out. As someone remarked: “ He rounded all the bases. He’s safe at home.”