I am going crazy!

namie808

I am caring for my 90 year old mother who is transitioning from 6 to 7. She repeats herself constantly, cannot sit still for longer than 30 seconds, has no awareness of her difficulties, will undo what was just done, even if its something she needs. I am so frustrated. I know that she cannot help her behaviors and I try to be patient, but there are days that I feel like I am loosing my miind. She is not interested in any leisure activites, has limited understanding, says only a few routine comments, and needs assistance with all daily living activites.

aeliasz

I’ll probably get backlash from saying this but a lot of days I think that it’s cruel and inhumane to allow these poor people afflicted with AD to continue living, unable to think or communicate. Day after day nothing but confusion, misery and agony and being a great burden on their families and the health care system. (You wouldn’t let your beloved family pet go on and on like this.) These people should be allowed a legal, dignified and humane death, a medically assisted sleep, surrounded by loved ones in a place they love, calm and peaceful. They should not have to exist as a helpless, diapered and sedated hollow shell. It’s just not right.

namie808

I understand where you are coming from.

Emily 123

I do as well. My mom took great care of herself and is outwardly healthy while her brain atrophies.

FlowerpowerVt

I can totally relate to what you are talking about! My 87 year old mom (whom I live with) repeats herself constantly, can’t remember what we JUST talked about, and is extremely restless to the point where she wants to be out of the house all day and won’t come inside until dark. Plus she has given me the exact same speech 10 times over two years, saying I don’t like her, I don’t trust her, I don’t talk to her, etc. I have been severely depressed and losing my mind since I moved in with her. And she has no idea that I’m taking care of her, she actually thinks she’s taking care of me! It’s so hard!! I feel your pain!

nelsk2

I am new to this site and to dealing with a mother with Alzheimer's. My siblings and I are at a loss as far as how we can get her transitioned into a memory care facility when she is so confused, and still in denial, and back and forth with what she wants to do. She was diagnosed around 10yrs ago but has refused to believe it and now we are at the point where her PCP has written a statement that she cannot take care of herself and has to have constant supervision. This was done at a doctor's appointment my sister took her to, and the doctor explained the situation to her and gave her the choice to either go home with my sister (who is now her POA) or she would call an ambulance to take her to a State nursing home. She obviously chose to go home with my sister, and that was a month ago. During the last month, to say we have had extreme difficulties with her would be an understatement! Even though my siblings and I have tried to explain the reality of her situation, she still says she is getting better, that she just needs to prove to us she can take care of herself, and insists we take her back home to her house (which is 3hrs away from us). She then gets extremely mad that we tell her we can't do that and that she cannot be by herself anymore and she starts getting nasty with us and threatens to leave. This is usually a daily conversation my sister has with her.

We are in the process of getting her house cleaned out so that the Realtor can get in to take pictures of it and get it on the market. Unfortunately, because she has a house, and gets Social Security money monthly, she doesn't qualify for Medicaid, so we are going to have to sell it to pay for her to live in a memory care facility. However, we cannot get her into the facility we found until we have the money from the sale of the house to pay for it. We have not told her that this is happening, which we feel awful about, but if we told her it would be MUCH worse. Depending in the day. Some days she is ok with selling her house, others she is not.

My sister is at a loss and is so stressed out with her constant erratic behaviors, always having to be right next to her, repeating the same conversation about going to her house, etc. that she is exhausted, frustrated and feels like she has to get her out of her house ASAP for her own sanity. My mother is damaging or breaking all of her things, so now my sister is having to replace everything in her house. We have found a nice facility for her and my sister has taken her to see it already. She loved it that day and said she would love to live there, then the next day was back to asking my sister to take her back to her house as she needed to get back there to do a few things. Just seems like we are living with Dr. Jeyell and Mr. Hyde and we don't know what to tell her and what not to tell her.

Just wondering if anyone else on here has had the similar situation and how you handled it. There has to be some kind of help for us out there, to get my mother to cooperate, but we just have not found any yet. Does anyone know if there a possibility a Social Worker or someone that can act as a mediator with these types of situations possibly? I am going to see the facility we chose for her and plan on asking them that question as well, but thought I would give this a try too.

trishzag

@nelsk2 & @namie808 -

We are in the same situation. Mom has lived with me for 4 years now and is in that state where she meets most but not all of stage 7 criteria, but is still very verbal and opinionated. Like @nelsk2 mom, ours has assets that disqualify her from receiving medicaid, so some of my siblings and I have been doing hands on care and paying out of pocket for a caregiver so that we can work during the day. It is till exhausting because so much of our time, energy and money is going toward her care.

Distraction is the very best tool to use when they are being uncooperative, as is living in their reality with them. It can be helpful to validate their feelings and then distract them with an activity or a snack or meal. As an example, my mother will talk about wanting to move and I'll ask her questions about that for a few minutes and then distract her with another topic of conversation or an activity. "Oh, let's go watch that movie you wanted to see!" My daughter will get her to cooperate on bath day by using a calm voice and saying "oh, let's go use the bathroom - you told me you had to". Once she's in the bathroom, it's much easier to transition her to the shower chair, etc.

The worst thing I think it disagreeing with them. Find a way to either live in their reality or to distract them with something else, as we know they will forget in a few minutes.

Each of us deals with the relentless questions differently. My nephew will give a different answer each time, my daughter will give brief to the point answers, and one of my sisters will try to get to the root of why she keeps asking the question (what is the underlying anxiety/worry).

It is so very frustrating to have such limited services available for them - she would have done better to have no assets or savings, unfortunately, but we just keep moving on and trying to figure it out day by day.

namie808

My mom sees a geriatric doctor who is really good. My mom has been put on an antidepressant which initially help with the arguments, nasty comments, complaining and just overall negativity. We also have my mom on another medication to further address her behaviors. Medication has been my savior.

Since writing the first post, my mom's doctor agreed to increase her antidepressant and things are much more managable again. Even her restlessness has gotten a little better. I would not be able to care for her if it wasn't for the medications. I am so grateful that her doctor understands.

My mom is at the point that distractions don't help. She cannot carry on a conversation and her understanding is very limited. She is not an accurate reporter and therefore I have to remind everyone not to believe what she says. When she was more verbal, it was very frustrating because even I would forget this. It makes you crazy. As her Alzheimer's progressed, this is not as much of an issue since she doesn't talk as much.

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nelsk2

Victoria2020, trishzag, namie808 -

Thank you all so much for your advise. Since I am new to all of this it is very helpful!

Since I commented on namie808's post my sister (which is DOPA) and I have retained an attorney and she has been a huge help. I agree - google lawyer help is not the best answer - lol! We have also sold her house (which we DID NOT tell her about) and were able to get her into an assisted living/memory care facility.

The Director at the facility advised us not to tell her that we sold the house because she will loose the will to live - she has seen it many times. Plus, like Victoria2020 stated, she cannot reason rationally anymore and that would just escalate all her fears & anxieties.

Since she has been in the facility, we have had a new PCP assigned to her and she has seen a psychologist, and both of them have verified that what we have done with her so far is exactly what we needed to as far as her care/safety. This was comforting to us since we were loosing sleep over if we did all of this too fast or not. It is very hard to remember that she has a damaged brain and cannot process the same level of thought when talking to her most of the time because the conversations we have seem like she knows what she is saying. I know we will eventually handle this better, but right now, since it is all new for us, it makes us feel horrible. However, I cannot even imagine the frustration, fear, anxiety, and unsettledness she is feeling!!!! Seeing her in that state is what hurts our hearts our hearts the most :(

Thank you all again, and good luck to each of you! Keeping you all in my prayers.

mommyandme (m&m)

namie, thanks for the update!