How to respond to repeated topic?

lkt324

Hi all, I’m unfortunately new here so thanks in advance for your support. My mom (79) has recently been diagnosed with ALZ but still in the early stages. Onr big issue right now is that she often comments that she and my dad did not have any children, and will generally follow up with accusing my dad being the cause of this, that he got “fixed” without her knowledge (he did after they had 3 kids). (That said, we did have a lovely mother’s day yesterday, and most of the time she seems to know I’m her adult daughter )

I have been reading that sometimes it’s best to just join someone with ALZ in their reality and not try to use logic or tell them they are wrong. But I’m having a hard time believing that we should agree with her that my dad is a selfish a** (he’s pretty much the kindest, most thoughtful person ever.)

Any advice or suggestions welcome! Thank you.

Ed1937

Ikt, welcome to the forums. Sorry you need them, but you will get a lot of help and understanding here. We have a lot of people here, willing to share what they can.

"So you said he got "fixed", and that's why you don't have children? I'm sorry that makes you feel so bad". Then change the subject. So you repeated what she told you. You validated her feelings by letting her know you are listening. You don't agree or disagree with her. Disagreeing often leads to arguments, and that's not good for either one of you. Change the subject to something she might find interesting to talk about. PWD typically have a hard time keeping two thoughts going at the same time, so by changing the subject, she likely will forget about what she was complaining about.

EDIT: You used the word sometimes. If you throw that word away, you'll be on the right path.

lkt324

Thank you! That’s very helpful, to realize that “putting myself in her reality” doesn’t mean I need to agree or disagree, just that I need to listen and acknowledge, and move on. This is all super new, so thank you for getting me on the right track even thought I know it’s challenging.

CKCMaggio

First time here, and I agree that in a situation like that, it couldn't hurt to agree or disagree. But, what do you do when somebody you live with denies that you live there? Or that they don't take medications and refuse to take them?

harshedbuzz

@CKCMaggio

Validation and listening are two work-arounds caregivers and family use in the face of dementia. There are others that might be more useful in your situation.

For "you don't live here", you might try explaining that you are grateful to be staying while you're looking for a place of your own or while your place is having the sewer line replaced.

For "I don't take medications" some people are able to re-brand them as supplements. If this is a point of pride for them, you could sell the "supplements" as a way to protect their good health. Others, after getting the OK from the doctor or pharmacist, crush pills and hide them in smoothies, apple sauce, ice cream, etc.

HB

Shan

To get our mom to take medications, we have developed a technique that works well for her that maybe others could adapt to work with their LO. My mom has had Crohn’s disease for years and she still knows that without certain medication she gets stomach aches and diarrhea. So every medication now, if she tries to refuse, we tell her is do she doesn’t get a stomach ache and diarrhea. So far it’s working like a charm. If your LO has a condition that troubles them, joint pain, headaches, digestive issues, etc. Try saying every med is for that if they refuse. It might not work and in our case it might stop working at some point, but it’s another tool to put in the tool chest we all need to keep handy trying to best care for our LO’s when ther refuse to let us.

mommyandme (m&m)

There was a period when Shan’s suggestion worked for us, when she was still capable of putting the meds in her own mouth and swallowing them with a drink of water. I’d hold up a pill and say, “this is so you don’t have a stroke” , “this is to help your heart”, “this helps …. “ She was an RN so I used that to our benefit. Then I started taking pills along side her, making it a joint effort. Some time after, removing some meds helped until we finally had to go to crushing the ones we could and feeding them to her with yogurt.

it all sucks, I’m very sorry.

CKCMaggio

Some good insights there. Not all would work w/ my friend, especially the crushing of her numerous pills into food, as she's already very particular and I'm sure she'd taste them. And she's in denial of herself having any problems, so I'm not sure fibbing about what they're for would work (unless for a painful toenail!) She might fall for one or two being vitamins, but the rest I'd have to be quite creative with...

As much as it would hurt my pride, I suppose I could pretend gratefulness for letting me stay in a place I pay to live in...

The reason I brought up the refusal to take pills, is because one night recently she started to get upset, irritable/angry. I then saw the pills I'd put out for her about an hour earlier were still sitting there. When I mentioned to her to take them she became even worse. At one point when I was behind her, I saw her take the pills in her hand and drop them in her shirt pocket. When I let her know I saw what she did, she was more belligerent. I threatened to call the police, because they'd already been out many times due to other reasons linked to her dementia. She still wouldn't budge, so I did do that. I know she'll only continue to worsen as the night goes on. Unfortunately, she's now sitting/laying in an E.R. until they place her in a short-term facility to see how they can best tweak her meds. Yes, there is some level of guilt, but I know how she can get w/out the meds in her, especially at night. I'm just hoping it works out for the best and that she returns home. I'll feel terrible if someone decides she's too bad to come back.

I visited her today in the E.R. and brought along a little bag of gifts (a small stuffed animal, a bag of Lindt truffles, a beaded bracelet, small tube of hand cream) and one of the nurses checked it out before I got into her room and said I couldn't give it to her, because she could throw the items at someone. At the time I relented, but now I'm questioning it. She hadn't thrown anything at anyone, and the items were small and light, nothing that could've hurt anybody moreso than her dinner tray or silverware, or even a full cup of drink (she had coffee when I arrived, wouldn't that be hot?). So I'll just sneak a couple of the items in, I've decided. A small stuffed animal isn't going to knock someone's eye out.

Marta

I understand your need to give to your loved one - it likely made you feel a little better.

Please do follow all the instructions from the nurses. They know all of the ways a dementia patient can hurt themselves or others, ways that you may not have thought of.

wishing for the best outcome for your loved one and for you.