Did my mom have sex with a caregiver?

wblupton

My mom has been in AL for 5 months now. Yesterday she told me that she had sexual intercourse with one of her male caregivers. There were lots of holes in her story and she couldn't answer some of my questions. My brother and I feel fairly certain that it didn't really happen, but how do we process this and get resolution? I don't want to report this man if it's a delusion of my mom's. Before dementia, she was a straight & narrow Christian woman, she lived a fairly sheltered life and always said my father was the only one she ever had sex with.
BTW....I'm putting a hidden camera in her room.

M1

That sounds like the best solution. Delusions regarding sex and sexual infidelity are very common, so I agree that you don't want to go making accusations without more definitive material. That said, you don't want to turn a blind eye either so the camera seems like a good thing.

harshedbuzz

I agree the camera is an excellent idea, but I suspect this is going to turn out to be either a conflated memory or a delusion.

As dementia progresses and the social filter disappears, many PWD do ruminate on topics of a sexual nature. This can be shocking for families when the LO in question had previously been discrete and "ladylike". Perhaps she's confused and thinks she's married to the caregiver.

That she can't provide details suggests this might me a confabulation. TV can be a common source of material for conflated memories. When dad was still home with mom, he used to watch her crime dramas with her. The next day he'd report having been kidnapped by bad guys or even murdered when I asked what was new. He even conflated my mom's TKR and any severe weather he saw on TWC. I had to put parental control on their TV.

HB

GemsWinner12

I like your idea about the camera; my only suggestion would be to discuss it with your brother and decide if you would like to let the facility know that you have placed such a device in her room. Caregivers often move items such as pictures, personal items, stuffed animals, out of the way for cleaning or moving furniture; additionally, people in the room can block your view. You may also put the facility in charge of having the camera in place, and ask for the monitoring due to your mother's statements. Lastly, there may be legal issues involved if the facility happens to find out about your secret hidden camera (depending on the location in which you have placed it and the views you have). For instance, your personal view should probably not include common areas such as hallways or dining areas.

mommyandme (m&m)

I imagine you meant a camera hidden from your mom. If the facility allows them, they should know about it. And if they don’t, which would be odd IMO, you’d not want to put one in. I think cameras are “de bomb”. Such a relief to be able to check in on our LOs when not with them.

you might talk to someone, like the DON, about what your mom said, not in an accusatory way. They may be able to help work through it with you. If she’s going there with confabulations, they may want to protect their staff by sending in two at a time or a female only.

just my two cents, I have no direct experience in this situation, except with cameras.

Im sorry that you are traveling this road too.