Irritability, problems with caregiver, etc.

mrahope

My spouse is just so irritable lately that I'm having trouble coping. Everything is wrong: he has pain here, itching there, he has no appetite. He loses things constantly and I'm forever on call to answer a million questions what seems like a million times. I am fast approaching a point where I can't tolerate it, or at least I feel that way.

He refuses almost every option that I've tried to get some help with his care. First I tried a planning process from a local early memory center. He refused to participate because "he didn't need any social worker" and left the room. Then I tried to actually get him to try their day program. Despite visiting and seeming to enjoy it, or at least tolerate it, when the time came for him to actually try it, he refused saying angrily, "You want me to be with those paitients? I will only go if I can teach their top level staff." He was a clinical and forensic psychologist by training. Most recently, I arranged for a home care worker for 9 hrs/week. She was expressly directed to drive him places. I let my son take his car so he needs a driver. Yesterday he quarreled with her because she told him she only worked a set number of hours and the place he wanted to go would take too long. She suggested alternatives, but he wasn't having it and said she was "making fun of me". He called me (I was driving to an appointment), then the caregiver did, etc. Then this morning he said he never wanted to see her again. I ended up giving her the week off.

I am just about at my wit's end and wondering if it's time for him to live elsewhere. I'm exhausted and heartbroken by this difficult behavior. Am I missing some solutions others have found useful?

Jeanne C.

I don't know if I can help other than to empathize. My DH has a similar reaction to daycare. He's pleasant enough going and usually gets through the day ok (ugh, except when there were subs one day last week - 43 calls I kid you not). But when I pick him up, he complains about the day, the staff, and "those lunatics" until I can get him redirected. But you know what? He goes back. And I'm getting better about not worrying that he'll say something rude to them (he's not their only client with dementia). Maybe you can talk to the homecare worker about how she can redirect rather than arguing? I'm sure someone more experienced will offer better advice.