How hard was it for you to put parent in MC?

ghphotog

Been 5 days since I put my mom in MC. She didn't go willingly and always has things stuffed into garbage bags to make her escape. My DW is deep into Alzheimer's and I can't care for my mom anymore but she doesn't understand that or why she can't live by herself. Picked her up today so she could come to my house and see her dog. I almost had to carry her back into the MC and when I was trying to leave she was trying to force her way back out. She doesn't believe I love her but it's heartbreaking for me to see her so hurt and desperate.

M1

Gh, I wonder if five days was too soon to take her out. Maybe you could take the dog to her? FWIW, my partner has been in care for a year and I have not taken her out, ever. That's about to change--they want me to take her to a pain clinic next week (that's another discussion). Maybe the staff can give you some guidance before you make another attempt.

MN Chickadee

It was the hardest thing I have ever done, hands down. Harder than her death I think. Your feelings are normal. I would not take her out of the facility for a while. She needs time to adjust to her new surroundings before introducing outings. It took my mom many months for her to adjust, and that was a painful process to watch, but I bet eventually yours will adjust like mine. They start to forget their past home and come to see the facility as home with time. After a couple months the visits got much easier and she wasn't always trying to leave. Your mom's mind is broken and she can't understand why this had to happen, so I would not try explaining it. Use therapeutic fibs and call it temporary. It sounds like you did the right thing, that is an awful burden to carry with your wife and your mother. She is in a safe place where she can get the care she needs, just hang on to that as you wade through the coming weeks. One day at a time.

terei

My mother packed things to leave. I would not pay attention to the behavior. If you start to unpack it when you are there, it is just bringing it to their attention again. At a certain point, when she is more accepting of the new living arrangements, you can unpack then.

I, also, would not be taking her for any outings until she can handle them + go back willingly. I think I would not bring the dog there either…you might, again, bring things to her attention that if not reminded of them, she may forget. I would be worried that should might not want to let the dog go + cause even more upset.

The goal is to do what is going to keep her the most calm + accepting. Anything that will agitate her should just be out of the picture if possible

CaliforniaGirl-1

When my LO moved into MC they asked us not to call them for a bit (But we could call the staff and find out how they were doing). They also asked us not to visit for a certain amount of time. This was all about the transition. Then we visited but didn't take them out for quite a while. We and they wanted to wait until they would go back in without it being traumatic.

It takes months to adjust to change. My LO has been in this MC since January and they still feel it is a new place.

The doctor told me that I can't be responsible for my LO's happiness. The disease makes it hard. But I know they are eating, clean, safe, have people around and is getting their hair done and clothes washed and has some outings and activities available.

When my LO tells me that they want to leave I don't argue. I just listen and ask questions. The hardest thing in the whole process has been trying not to reason and convince them of things but just to let them talk and be accepting. I still sometimes find myself starting to try and persuade them.

I have to adjust too, between the life I wish my LO could have and the life they are capable of having.

It is rough but maybe don't take them out until they are more situated?

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Klako

I agree that it was the hardest thing I have ever done and almost 5 months later I don’t even know sometimes how I did it. My dad is in AL but really has no use for activities and eats by himself which breaks my heart. But as others have said, I know he is taking his medicine, getting fed and his apartment is clean and safe for him. He asks still about how long he has to be there and the fiblets just continue which makes it harder. But I could never tell him he is never coming home. I, like others, have not taken him out either. I think it would just reset the clock and we would be back at square one. I would agree on not taking her out or bringing the dog. Initially, I took the bare minimum of stuff from his house with the thought that I would bring more later. I still have not brought one more thing as I feel like that would just cause him anxiety so we leave it as is. Sometimes he stresses over how his stuff will get back home when it is time. He does not understand his memory deficit so explaining doesn’t help. This is such a horrible and sad disease….

ghphotog

Appreciate all the replies! Visited her this morning and still trying to find a way to escape. She thinks I sold her up the river to be forgotten. No matter how many times I try to explain she will never get it. My DW is one thing but seeing the look of betrayal in her eyes.

I think one positive is that now I'm familiar with the process and should make it easier if and when I place my DW. MC's aren't some sterile nursing home environment like a hospital setting but very nice places actually. I think my DW might even enjoy a place like that.

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pamromero95

Thank you for posting this. I'm going through the same thing right now. On Monday it will be two weeks for my mother in MC.

When I went to visit earlier this week, I found her clothes in a paper bag. I assume she packed to go home which is all she talks about.

I feel guilty for having placed her in MC, but deep down inside I know that this is where she needs to be. I hope that with time she will adjust.

Anonymousjpl123

I know it’s hard, but you have absolutely done right placing her in an environment where she can receive care and has a chance to get comfortable. My mom has, other have, others have not. But the key is that you are doing right by her.

I would say limit excursions for now, and maybe bring her some things she loves. In the case of my mom, it sounds stupid, but there’s a brand of organic milk she loves and I brought it and it made her feel at home.

ghphotog

Thank you everyone!

She's still very stressed out she is there and still trying to make her escape. It is heartbreaking to see her this way but even though she doesn't like it the staff take good care of her. I'm just wondering anymore about her will to live. She has nothing left really to live for and she knows it. I feel guilty everyday but I'm determined to leave her there and limit my visits for now. I took her to our house again the other day and she was able to spend most of they day with her dog, which makes her very happy but like always, took her out to eat for lunch but It's still a fight to get her back in the MC door.

no perfect answer

Today I will drop mom off in MC. We had just put her in AC a month ago and just last week she was found in the parking garage confused and had walked further away than she should have the day before. We had to bring her home for the weekend as they couldn’t watch her that close. She had been living with us for the past year and a half and we knew we needed to get her more socialization and get some of our life back. My dad died 10 years ago to the weekend so it’s not a great time of year for us.

Anyway, since the MC is in the same building as the AC and she really thrives in her attitude at the AC (she’s not happy with me right now as she senses the truth) they said I could come back or call in a couple of days. She will also know the activities people and some of the staff as there is crossover. I think it depends.
It’s truly killing me inside as it feels like we’ve given up and I know it’s the last step. Your post and the comments are helpful.

CaliforniaGirl-1

I found the biggest hurdle to get over, was my vision of what my LO's life should be like and what they would enjoy. And it still comes up. When I step away from that and focus on what they are actually capable of and what they need, it becomes much easier. My vision turns out to be more than my LO could deal with with their dementia and too little structure and too many choices just cause anxiety. It turns out the smaller, more structured environment of MC as opposed to AL is really what they need. Even if they are complaining, it is from a place of security and not anxiety.

My LO's doctor said to me that I should not feel bad about also taking my and my family's needs into consideration. He said that there were 2 people in the caretaker/LO relationship and you need to consider them both or it doesn't work.

spnorton

I am struggling as well. My dad has been in MC for a little over a month. My mother has been caring for him for three years and he has progressed where she was unable to care for him. We were fortunate to find a facility close, but the change has been difficult for both of them. Dad has always been extremely independent and he is, at times, aggressive in his displeasure. I am parenting both parents and I am trying to do this from a long distance.

ghphotog

spnorton, About a month for my mom as well. She still hasn't adjusted. She is secure but has no reason to live any longer. I know she's safe and I'm glad for that. My mom has always been independent, for the most part. She has always needed me and depended on me basically my entire life, even when she was healthy. My father was never there emotionally for her at all and was always running her down, making her feel ugly, stupid, etc. When he was drunk, which was every weekend but it was worse when he was on a tear so I was her go to person. Loved both of them nonetheless. I was also my dad's go to person and I would go pick him up at the bar when I got my license as a kid when he was too drunk to drive, pulled off his boots, helped get him to bed, listen to him talk for hours about how it was him against the world, I'd step on his toes from time to time. . . Long story here.

Anyway, my mom still feels I betrayed her and that is very difficult and keeps me awake at night but I know I did the right thing.