response to spouse

curtis88

I'm new here so my question may seem very basic....when my dw says something like"mother says to come visit" even though her mother has passed years ago, how do I respond? Do I say "your mothers gone", do I change the subject? What is a good response? Thanks

Donr

When my wife asked the same question, I told her that her mother passed away many years ago. She was OK with my answer and just moved on.

Joe C.

When my wife went through the stage where she wanted to see her parents trying to explain that they had passed only upset her. I would come up with an excuse why we could do it today like, it’s going to rain, it will be night soon, their not home right now or any other excuse that came to mind. Then I would promise we would go see them tomorrow, since her short term memory was gone she would not remember the promise the next day.

harshedbuzz

Generally speaking, most folks suggest glossing over the statement with some sort of validation without stating the obvious. When she says "mother says to come visit" your reply could be--

Yes, let's. I could really go for some of her meatloaf. We'll make a plan for next week. Rinse and repeat.

or That would be fun. Let's arrange that for when she gets back from (the beach, the cabin, her cruise, etc)

My mom used @Donr 's approach with older family members and it was OK. But with my sister who'd been his mini-me favorite, telling him she was dead was like the worst version of Groundhog Day. It was hard because she was a bit like Schrodinger's Cat in a sense that - in his mind- she was at once dead and alive. Sometimes in the same sentence. What I did was use his question as a prompt to retell a funny story from her childhood which he always enjoyed.

HB

Ernie123

Divert, distract, fib, just avoid upset and argument. And be ready to smile and repeat in ten minutes. Your LO lives in the moment and is losing many basic cognitive abilities. My DW of 55 years is in advanced stages and no longer recognizes her children, herself in a mirror and sometimes asks me where did Ernie go? Looking back a few years I realize now I failed to recognize her loss of cognitive ability when it was happening and I would often correct, explain and try to reason with her to no avail. I believe the best you can do is keep a smile on your face and a calm environment. Avoid any sort of complicated discussion because it won’t sink in and may only cause upset and confusion. Fibbing, which we are socialized to see as wrong, becomes totally acceptable in helping your LO feel comfortable.

toolbeltexpert

HB I love that you tell the old story. That is a great tool. I love hearing everybody's different approaches. All good stuff.

Stewart

curtis88

thanks all for your feedback

Ed1937

My excuse for not going was that the roads were all closed in their area because of covid. Now that covid restrictions won't work anymore, I'd just say they are having major structural work done on the house, and we'll go when it is done.

M1

I think it varies person to person. My partner gets increasingly confused about whether her mother and sister have died but doesn't mind when i remind her. She wants to know what happened to her sister (Lewy body dementia) and wants to know if i knew her mother (yes), but talking about their deaths doesn't disturb her, at least so far.