Lost trust

sccalligrapher

My MIL & I have always had a good relationship, but in her ALZ-driven paranoia, she now no longer trusts me to take care of her (thinks we are stealing her things, messing with her phone, etc.). She wants to move back to her home about a mile from us (has been living with us for 7 months), but it's not really practical. She has appealed to her neighbor several times for help (read rescue from us). We are stymied about whether to pursue memory care, or whether some in-home care might be a stop-gap measure. Thanks for any input! ~Lynne

KMitchell

I am going through this with my mother. She has been staying with me for 3 years and still has her home as well. We are moving into her home with hopes some of this subsides with her feeling safer in her own home. She hasn't blamed me with stealing but has with my sister and I am calmly re-iterate it isn't true. In regard to the phone, I have taken her to the mobile provider so she can speak to them directly and hear from the experts we cannot manipulate the phone using her examples (i asked for the onsite manager and explained the situation so they were patient and clear with her.

mommyandme (m&m)

There comes a point when reasoning/explaining really doesn’t work, even when done nicely. Often it will only aggravate everyone. Unfortunately or fortunately, depends on how you look at it, she’ll probably stop with accusations and paranoia as she progresses. So many of us here have gone through it. What I and some others found useful was actually taking blame, even when not our fault and validating their worries and fears. “Mom, I’m so sorry, while cleaning up I put your purse over there, I won’t ever do that again”. “I’m having problems with my cell phone too, I’ll make sure to get them checked out.” “It’s so frustrating when the phone is acting up.”… things like that (therapeutic fibs or some call them fiblets). Then try to change the subject to something sunny and light or engage her in a different task? Sometimes medications help too.

Getting respite help at home now could be a good choice. I didn’t place my mom, even though it was always a plan B, but there’s no way I could have kept her home without caregivers helping me daily. You do what works best for most of you, placement or not.

This is such a difficult journey and the learning curve was a steep one for me. I couldn’t have gotten through it without my “friends” here. I hope you can find a peaceful enough resolution for you and yours.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

LizziB

My mom and I live together so I can watch over her. She is still independent, showers, dress herself, cooks only in morning when I can oversee her in the kitchen. She hasn't driven for 3 years. She does wear a medic alert necklace, so she is able to walk the dogs alone to the park (1 1/2 blocks away) and of course dogs have their tags too. Her Alzheimer is progressing to moderate - ML and becoming more paranoid and agitated easily. My mom is on medication for her Alzheimer, sleep and depression. What is difficult is her accusations of my sister and I are stealing her things, lying and using her phone. I do tell her "I am sorry" but that doesn't seem to be enough with this behavior keeps my sister away to avoid dealing with her which of course becomes more difficult for me alone. I have been thinking of a AL but I constantly change my mind since my mom is still active outside and with the family. We used to live in LA for 59 years, moms' home and me with my apartment. After my father passed, we (my sister and I) decided it would be good for my mom and I to move to San Diego where my sister lives and her children family. Thinking my sister will be more hands on in helping has not been the case even though we talked many times, so I know I pretty much on my own. Reading everyone's comments that are going through this does give me comfort because I know I am not alone and the feelings I go through (mad, depressed, resentment, anger, sad, lonely). I know this is only going to get worse and hoping to find some comfort for the two of us to get through this. Venting helps. Thank you for sharing I am listening.