Things I'm glad I didn't do

JoseyWales

I've just come inside from planting my flowers and other yard work. While working, I thought again about how much I love where I live. And how sooo many people told me to move early on. That made me think about how much I'm glad I DIDN'T follow advice from so many. Here's my top ones. Please add your own!

1. Move. Over and over people told me to move. Move closer to family, move so I didn't have so much property to take care of, move to where there was easier care. I figured it all out here. It wasn't always easy or pretty, but now that DH is in memory care, I still have my property that I love.
2. Quit working. Lots of people told me to quit working to stay and take care of him. That it wasn't worth me trying to find care at home in my rural area, and stress myself out. Yes, it was almost impossible to work while taking care of DH. Beyond hard. Looking back I don't know how I did it. But now, at 55, I have a job I enjoy and an income. And MANY good work friends who have become good friends willing to support me. Which is good, because I'm have a lot of years to work before retiring.
3. Remodel the bathroom. We have 1 bathroom, without a separate shower stall. Just a tub with a shower inside it. I had many of those same people tell me to take out the tub and put in a shower. I didn't. It was never a problem for me until the last week before I placed DH. I'm glad now that I never spent the money to remodel.

Those are my big three. I'm sure there are tons more.

M1

Thoughtful post Josey. I want to cogitate on this one for a while. Only one I'm sure of at the moment: I'm glad I didn't stay married to my ex. What I life I would have missed.

Ed1937

I'm glad I didn't find a different support group before I found this one. I may never have found it.

I'm glad I didn't opt for an expensive caregiver course by Natalie Edmonds or Teepa Snow. I'm not saying they're not worth it. It depends where you need to spend your money.

I'm glad I didn't leave this site after my wife passed on.

I'm glad I didn't stick my head in the sand, opting to learn instead.

I'm glad I didn't try to keep my wife's dementia a secret.

I'm glad I didn't try to do it myself, with no help.

Denise1847

Hi Ed1937

I, for one, am glad you haven't left this site. You have so much knowledge and are helping so many of us who are still thick in the woods trying to find our way.

Denise1847

Hi Josey,

Thank you for your list. I am in the thick of this disease for my DH so I seem to be distracted all of the time just thinking about what the future will look like, anticipating terrible challenges with my DH, worried about how I will get through it and how I will manage. Your list gave me assurances that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel and that my instincts are valid. I live on the water and I love where I live. I am now doing everything to maintain the house with occasional hired help. I really am going to press on to stay where I am and not listen to people who are not in our world.

Mint

Josie enjoyed your list. Remember a lot of your struggles.

The one thing I would not have said was to give up your job. My feelings are you should keep working if at all possible as so good for you on so many levels. I found this true when I worked through a very difficult year in my life quite a few years ago. Glad to know you feel that way too and will make me comfortable with sharing that thought with others in the future who may be in that same spot.

Beachfan

Josie,

Your top three should be the big three for those in our shoes. My journey was a little different. I/we did move. At 70, I knew, as much as I loved our home, there was no way I could maintain the house and grounds, nor could DH navigate the stairs and many rooms. No one urged a move, but we relocated several blocks away, remodeling a carriage house on our daughter’s property and within walking distance to our son and family. For us, it was a no- brainer. With the remodel came wide doorways, no steps, tile/ hardwood floors, a spacious bathroom with a huge walk in shower and family within shouting distance. It was all helpful until it wasn’t and DH was placed in a MCF. I had already retired, so no work decision there.

Like Ed, I’m glad I found this “support group” and not another, and I didn’t keep DH’s disease or condition a secret. I was honest and forthright with anyone who inquired about him; as a result several people now beginning this journey have reached out for advice and commiseration. I find comfort in helping them.

Above all (and I know you are struggling with this), I am glad I didn’t try to go it alone at the end. DH was a quiet, low key guy who apparently commanded a lot of respect from those he taught and coached over the years. The funeral director, a close friend, advised having a service that would accommodate anyone wishing to pay respects. I was overwhelmed at the turnout; relatives, friends, friends of friends, former colleagues, kids he taught and coached, and in turn, their kids, neighbors, so many kind and caring folks. Although I dreaded the funeral as the day approached, looking back, it was beautiful, fitting, and above all comforting. I can move forward now , knowing he is well loved and is at peace. I wish you well as your journey winds down; I’ve always felt a kindred spirit with you as I followed your posts on this forum. Enjoy your property! (I am heading out now for flowers for our little beach cottage; this place I can maintain.). Bless you.

Dutiful One

Josey, thank you for posting this list. I can't tell you how much reading your post today means to me.

On the top of my list is for my husband to keep active in some kind of work as long as he can. In the midst of various declines, he has maintained an interest and skill at vegetable gardening. In the past couple of years, the gardening has become an obsession that I allowed to become an annoyance to me. I'm turning that around and looking at it as a rescue. We have a local extension service that has master gardeners program. There are a lot of serious gardeners in our area that I hope he can connect with. In the meantime, I'm still planning for our future, but instead of wishing he would just stop working altogether, I'm seeing how important it is for him to keep doing what he enjoys and is skilled at. Everyone likes to feel needed, valued, and successful and I am looking at ways to help him have that, safely.

Second, I'm glad we have continued taking trips. Vacationing has become challenging, but with adjustments, we can still go.

I'm also making decisions about my own job. I'm in the Early Childhood education field, and am feeling burned out. I don't want to make a mistake in leaving my job, but I'm seriously consider making next year my last. Your post is helping me think more rationally about this.

JoseyWales

Beachfan - yes, our lives were so similar for such a long time. I always appreciate your input.

I think the things I'm glad I didn't do would be different if I was a different age. Even last year, just after I placed DH, I kept hearing from people that I should move. And although I didn't realize it, I was still so overwhelmed from dealing with DH. I feel I'm thinking so much clearer now. I love my home and property. I'm glad I didn't make the decision to sell when I was overwhelmed.

For many of you, moving and downsizing really makes sense.

JoseyWales

Sayra - yes, working was a good outlet for me! I had a break, I had an opportunity to have conversations with others. I'm glad you felt the same way.

I felt the guilt of not being with DH all the time. No decision along this road is easy. But it was the right one for me.

JoseyWales

Ed - I couldn't agree more with your thoughts on joining this group. It's been my outlet so many times. When I was frustrated I wrote about it here, instead of boring or upsetting my friends and family with it all the time. Usually I wrote when my emotions were high. Getting it out here helped me get grounded again. And the amazing amount of information I've learned here was invaluable.