Abusive situation suspected

peg1824

My good friends husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 2 yrs ago. They had a loveless marriage for years, and I give her a lot of credit as she is doing her best to care for him. The issue is I believe she is constantly yelling at and belittling him when no one else is around. I’ve caught her doing this on several occasions and her children have confided they have too when they stop by unannounced. When she realizes she has been ‘caught’ she will say that she was just having a tough moment and then goes overboard with showing affection and positive attention to her dh. While I worry about the stress and frustration she needs help with, , im more concerned her husband is in a verbally and emotional abusive situation I’m going to confront her on this but would appreciate any suggestions or wisdom you may have. TIA

ImMaggieMae

It sounds like she needs some help if she is going to continue to care for him at home. Would you or her children be able to go over and spend some time with him and give her a break? Or can she afford to have someone come it a few times a week to give her time to perhaps get away for a couple hours?

Denise1847

Is it possible that she does not fully understand that her husband is suffering from brain damage and that he cannot help himself? When you speak to her, ask her how much she understands about the disease. Suggest she get the book "36 hour day". Also, she probably needs to go to counseling to help her cope with her anger etc. If she is a christian, perhaps she could get some help from her church. Suggest she look on You Tube for videos of Joni Erickison Tada, who talks about suffering and how she copes with being a quadriplegic through her faith.

I am sure if we were all honest, at some point in our journey, we were angry at the situation, the disease, the loss and sometimes people don't know how to deal with the anger and they project it onto others.

Ed1937

I think Denise is right. She needs to be educated about the disease. She can get educated right here, and it doesn't cost a penny. And as Maggie Mae said, she might need some respite.

It's also possible that she has some different issues going on that nobody knows about. If she is a good friend, maybe you could ask her about that, and ask her what you can do to help. We just don't know what kind of cross someone else is carrying.

If nothing seems to work, it may be time for her children to step in to help solve the problem.