Driving - Angry LO

jakp

I'm a newbie here. I'm immersing myself in all things Alzheimer's regarding LO being incredibly angry with me (DPOA). I took her car away in March due to a minor fender bender (and a handful of other tell-tale signs it was time). Once it was repaired, I parked it in my garage until yesterday when I sold it. My Mom was diagnosed in 2017 and is still pretty independent and living on her own with lots of support from me and my husband. My Mom and I have always been close and despite knowing LO's will become suspicious and angry, I never thought it'd be directed at me and my husband...I see NOW how unprepared I've been. I've been a sponge since the accident in March (podcasts, FB support groups, CareBlazers, YouTube etc.). I know fiblets are a better route than trying to rationalize with her, however, she's SO angry and nasty with me and my husband and I can't make any headway. And the phone calls to the family and friends about what terrible people we are and the delusions. Wowie!! Does anybody in Illinois have a recommendation for a 3rd party to intervene similar to Teepa Snow? Mom's neurologist stated she shouldn't drive at her annual appointment in April (we thought it might sit better coming from her). Nope, my Mom walked out of the office and proceeded to berate me on the way home. Her DL will expire end of July. State of IL sent her renewal which states she needs a vision and driving test...unfortunately, I didn't intercept that letter and she's hell bent on renewing and getting her car back. I dread our phone calls and visits and I'm only 2 months into this uncharted territory. Any tips or words of wisdom would be appreciated.

M1

Welcome to the forum jakp. I'm sorry you're dealing with this but it's a very common thing. Do you have power of attorney for her? If not you probably need to pursue it--but that's another discussion.

A lot of states allow anonymous reporting of unsafe drivers, I would check into that. If she's been told not to drive by a physician, you have done exactly the right thing---letting her get back behind the wheel could risk everything she and you have, financially and otherwise. I would also talk to her insurance agency--but again, unless you have a personal relationship with an agent, it will require power of attorney to do that and make it stick.

You say she's still living independently--does she have control of her money? I would worry about the risk of her trying to buy another car.

I'm sorry about the anger and I wish I had an answer for that; medications might help some and her docs should know it's going on. My partner threatened to come after me with a knife when I wouldn't let her drive--that and not recognizing me is what landed her in the hospital and then in memory care. Now she's forgotten all about it. Certainly you can blame the doctors as the bad guys.

I know this sounds like a broken record, but if you have power of attorney you can have all of her "real" mail forwarded to another address, that would avoid further problems like the driver's license thing. I had many problems with having to intercept mail, too. My partner gave away thousands of dollars to animal charities and was. a sucker for every telephone scam--these are the dangers of living alone.

A certified elder law attorney (CELA) is who you will need for the legal matters--these folks can also help you plan long-term care financing too. There are several websites that list them by location--try nelf.org for one. realize the anger may be a barrier, but you may be able to persuade her by saying that you are updating your documents too.

I wish you well, I'm sure others will chime in.

harshedbuzz

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but glad you found this place.

Doing the right thing by a parent isn't always easy or rewarding; it is fairly typical to be on the receiving end of their ire as the disease progresses and you need to take steps to protect them and the assets which may be needed for their long term care.

You were wise to take the car away. Not having the visual trigger is good thing. Even without a visual trigger, my dad carried on a very long time about driving. The very last thing I told him before he died was a fiblet about dropping a car off at the MCF where he lived- I asked him which one he wanted and said I'd park it in the employee parking lot which made him happy. Fiblets are your friend here.

As for the license renewal, this isn't a huge deal IME. It might be expedient to roll with it and take her. You may even be discretely offered a conversion to a state ID on the spot. You can't kill anyone with a driver's license, it takes a car to do that. She'll need a photo ID for medical care and so long as she has no access to a car and keys, it's a way to be her ally.

(I am looking at something similar. My mom's license will come due in February. She doesn't have dementia but has AMD and a damaged optic nerve. She had 2 accidents in the space of 60 days and no longer drives. Converting her to a state ID is a lengthier process than simply renewing the license, so we'll just do that)

Cobbling onto what @M1 said, how locked down are her finances? Could she buy a car? Did you freeze her credit? It's been 6 years since her diagnosis, she may be progressing to a situation where she is no longer reliably safe at home. One downside to living local to your LO is that you don't get the chance to spend several days 24/7 observing how well they truly function. That can be a real eye-opener.

I'm not sure what you mean about a 3rd party intervention. You can't reason with a PWD and a professional would know better than to try. To my knowledge, the purpose of social workers and folks like Teepa Snow, is to educate and support caregivers. You know your mom way better than any professional and are more likely to be able to come up with fiblets that will work for you.

Mom, dad and I were once turfed to a social worker at the memory center where dad was seen because they had a fight during dad's appointment back when they were both in the angry phase of adjusting to the constraints imposed by dementia. It was pointless and awful.

What helped was medication. I got them each a psychiatrist for medication management. Mom got something for her anxiety and depression and some talk therapy. Dad got medication to address his anxiety which was driving him to being stuck and agitated. Once dad calmed down a bit, validation (I'm sorry they said you can't drive-- it's so unfair) and redirection became strategies we could use successfully.

HB

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jakp

Thank you for all of your comments and insight. Yes, I have DPOA and all other matters in check. Thankfully, we did that planning with our attorney early on. Her cell phone is on my plan which is how I track her MANY phones calls asking friends and family for help to get her car back, change the POA and trash my husband and I, etc., however I do worry about the phone scammers. Do I take the phone away? What if there's an emergency? The what-ifs are endless!! I'm more interested in finding ways to control the anger so I can be a more effective caregiver again...since taking the car away, she's been on a rollercoaster of emotions and completely stuck in unhappiness. These last two months, it's like walking on eggshells because I don't know what version I'm getting at any given time. I know meds have been mentioned in all of my research...my fear is she becomes a giant couch potato. She was always very social and I'm leaning towards transitioning her to AL or MC but a part of me feels like I'm rushing things along...maybe meds with an at-home caregiver would improve her mental well-being. Argh...the guilt.

harshedbuzz

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/172789#Comment_172789

My mom's eye specialist says her vision is OK to drive. We don't agree so she doesn't.

She allows my son to drive her car and they are both insured to drive it; her rates went down when he became primary on it-- I live in a zip code with a lower theft rate and he'd almost 30 vs her 85.

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jakp

Thank you for your kind words victoria2020!!! God bless all the caregivers. So thankful to have communities to turn to. The long goodbye sucks!!

Momof3

Hang in there jakp! My mom gets very angry and hostile with me if I try to put her laundry in he basket for the staff to wash. Its not easy! If you are sure she will fail the tests, I would almost let her try to get her license and have the state be the one who tells her no. Know that you are doing the best you can! Sending you lots of good vibes, positive energy and prayers!

Anonymousjpl123

You have done such good research and preparation - which is key! I’m not sure what stage your mom is in but I can tell you that going from concern to placement for my mom was faster than I wanted or planned for. It may be a good idea to check into AL or MC not for now, but for later, so it’s not such a shock.

Also, remember that whether it’s medications or memory care or any other steps to keep her safe and well, this disease will progress and as others have said, it’s not your fault. I worried about everything you are: she’ll become a couch potato, less social, etc. In the end, we can only do the best we can knowing our family member.

Getting rid of her car is a very important and good step. Kudos to you. And yes she will be mad but as others have said, she will likely forget about it. The most important thing is that you, and she, are safe. Good luck I know this is hard but glad you found this forum. It’s been a lifesaver for me - a lot of wisdom here!

Smilescountry

It was just a few short months ago when I was in the same position with my dad. My parents were living on their own, Mom hadn't driven for years, and Dad was insisting on driving, even though the doctor advised against it. When Dad went to the neurologist, we didn't get a clear order for him not to drive, but the doctor wasn't very supportive of it. Dad was beginning to hallucinate, and when he would reach for something (such as a car door), he would always be a few inches off. I began talking to him about how dangerous that is behind a wheel. His doctor finally had a strong talk with him and told him that he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he were to kill a teenager on the road who wasn't paying careful attention. At that point, I took the keys, and Dad agreed, reluctantly, to stop driving. Later, his license renewal came up, and he wanted to get it renewed in case he got better. He was certain that the pills that the neurologist prescribed would help! I let the person at the BMV know the situation, and Dad did not pass the vision test, even though he could pass at the optometrist's office. Dad carries a state ID now that he believes is his license. He decided to sell his vehicle to my son, who needed a second vehicle badly. We probably went through a year of grief getting to where we are now, but Dad has finally agreed that he shouldn't be driving, not even sometime in the future. My therapist, whose own father had dementia, warned me that I would be the focus of my dad's anger, frustration, etc., and I have been a few different times. I just have to remember that it is the disease talking. I do what I can to keep the relationship good, but sometimes I have to make hard decisions.