Sudden Tears and DH is getting more confused

White Crane

During church service yesterday, I looked at DH sitting next to me singing the hymn. His voice was strong and he looked so normal. Suddenly the thought came to me that maybe this wasn't really happening. Maybe it was a nightmare and he was really okay. Then reality brought me back and I cried my way through the rest of the hymn. It's strange how I can be going along fairly well and then it's like Alzheimer's hits me in the gut with how damaged he really is. He is getting more confused. Yesterday, he kept saying, "I don't know what's going on!" He was pointing to his head as he was talking. My heart broke for him. I felt angry and sad and helpless all at the same time. I do my best to take good care of him and to answer his constant questions but sometimes all I can do is tell him I'm sorry he's confused and that I love him. Alzheimer's has taken so much from him...and from me. It hurts.

Brenda

Beachfan

Brenda,

I am so sorry; I vividly recall those moments when I would think, “ Oh, this was all a big mistake; he seems fine right now.” Then it would pass and my heart would break all over again. I, too, had a weepy moment at Mass on Sunday. The communion hymn was “Be Not Afraid” , which was sung at DH’ s funeral just 2 weeks prior. ( “ Be not afraid, I go before you always. Come follow me and I will give you rest.” ) It’s all very sad; living it, or saying a final goodbye. You are so strong; you care so much. Bless you.

mrahope

I completely get how you feel. Yesterday DH went out to Starbucks with someone else and seemed to have a fine time. Then, just before bed, he came to me crying because he seemed to have forgotten how to remove and clean his denture. All I could do was hug him and tell him to remove and clean them.

marier

I am right there with you and know how you must feel.

On those rare occasions when I see a spark of my DH old self spring forth in something he has said or reaction to an event, for split second I think this is all just a dream and my DH has been mis-diagnosis. Then when reality hits the tears flow. These tears are always just on the surface for me. Sometimes I can control the tears and sometimes the tears flow uncontrollably. I try very hard to live in the moment one day at time. It is difficult to do.

PookieBlue

Brenda,

So many of us are right there with you. We take each moment as it comes. We feel as though if we have to answer all the circular questions one more time, we are going to explode. We try to keep the anxiety about our situations hidden deep down within us. It never really leaves us and we just have to figure new ways to cope. Yesterday, after church my DH kept asking where his mother went. She passed away in 2005. He kept talking about the blond lady who was here. There was a blond lady sitting in front of us at church to whom we spoke. I think her blond hair reminded him of his mom. The infrequent occasions when my husband becomes aware that something is really wrong and he sobs just break my heart. I distract him immediately as I prefer when he is a bit more oblivious. During the night, he got up and didn’t find the toilet, but thought he had. This hasn’t happened in a long time. He’s had maybe six incidents over the past decade. Nightly alcohol consumption is the main culprit. This disease saps the life out of us.

M1

I too know how you feel Brenda. Interestingly music often brings me to tears, religious or not.

My dear sweet partner is letting me visit her, and in so many ways it feels good to reconnect after a year of forced separation; we can still laugh together and she tells me she loves me. But then I see the decline. She now needs cueing to shower and brush her teeth. She is letting me help her, which is very sweet and tender, but also so, so sad to see. Yesterday a shower just about exhausted her, but she clearly felt so good afterwards to be clean; I brushed and dried her hair, and put lotion on her legs and back. It approaches intimacy that we have not had in a long time. And yet pulls at my heartstrings nonetheless.

I had to work today and I fear that she will miss me and not know where I am. I can go tomorrow.

You are being sweet and tender and so loving to him. I am glad you can still go to church together.

Mint

Brenda I’m so very sorry

Joydean

Brenda I too feel your pain. I miss getting to go to church. The other day our granddaughter (she’s 16) asked me “have you always taken care of popaw?” We have been on this horrible journey for so many years even I sometimes have a hard time remembering what it was like before Alzheimer’s. I look at older pictures and cry because of what was and what could have been. But we take one day at a time because that’s all we have.

Prayers for you and your husband!

toolbeltexpert

Oh how I have thought this is just a bad nightmare and I am gonna wake up and she's OK. Well pinch myself yep it all real, its real bad, real life. Brenda my wife has said some of the same things and I just reassure her I am here for her. Seems like everytime I walk into the mcf Alan Jackson starts singing "remember when" I have mentioned it to most every cna that's my gonna start to cry song. Happened today so I sang it instead, I hate dementia! So sorry Brenda, but glad you can still be together, I miss dw most at communion. Now I have to drive 30 miles to go to our home church since I moved, I don't know if I am gonna move to another church. On a side note I am filling the pulpit for a friend at a Nazarene church. I haven't preached maybe 2 times since I retired, where I live now is very close to the churches I used to serve and I know alot of the other pastors out here.

Stewart

Ed1937

Brenda, I am so sorry it is so darn hard. There is a place saved upstairs for all caregivers.

storycrafter

Thanks for your post. It's helpful to hear others express what I experience. I too, do this same thing.

elainejr

I feel that. One day everything is so good and the next snaps me back. My husband is a certified lay pastor and continues to preach on Sundays. Sundays are very good days…..he is in control and no one would guess what was going on. The next day he is relying on me for what we are going to do. He’s very functional as in driving, making dinner, taking care of himself……but the memory is not there. The good days still make me think this isn’t real and maybe he can be fixed. I know, I know.

Unbreak4ble

Cherish it, cherish it and cherish it. Take a snapshot of it and put it in your heart.

One morning you’ll wake up and have a conversation as you lay there that will feel so good. It will warm you. Enjoy it. Soak it in.

The true danger is forgetting who they are. I secretly recorded my wife singing Somewhere Over The Rainbow when she was becoming self conscious about forgetting the words, but still had a quality voice. She played Dorothy in high school. I treasure it.

RCT

I so get you…it is heartbreaking to watch what this disease does to a loved one….my husband will appear to be ok and then he says something or does something that knocks me off my chair and I realize that this disease is VERY real! And so it is a roller coaster of sorts…His is a very slow decline..I can’t believe he was diagnosed in May 2018 and stopped driving in 2019 and I became a real caregiver then….here it is May 2023. I practice gratitude and acceptance. And I pray a lot! And prayers for you Brenda

CoSp

I am going through the same. My husband seems normal and then he can't figure out how to open car door. I saw done things a couple of years ago but this last year has been up and down... I call them hickups. Getting more and more frequent.

annewilder

Ditto. At times when my husband has a few moments of normalcy I will say to myself, "Have I done everything possible to get him the right help? Do we need to go to a research center? Do I need to give him Prevagen? Am I poisoning him with a diet of foods that he wants but are not the healthiest?"....then he calls me by his sisters name and forgets to wash the shampoo from his hair and I return to reality and say to myself, "We're in this and it's going to get worse....I better tighten my seatbelt."