When siblings do not help

akinito60

Hi,

I have a mother who was just recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I have 2 other siblings, but they do not move unless I remind them. I am annoyed and frustrated. What can I say or do for them to help out?

mommyandme (m&m)

Hi, welcome to this little niche in the woods. Sorry about your moms diagnosis. It may help to get more information. Do you and your siblings live in close proximity to your mom? Does someone have DPOA? If there’re no POAs in place, that needs to be done ASAP. Sometimes most of a parents care falls on one (the POA optimally). My brother and I worked well together but I eventually did all the hands on care (my choice), he lived out of state.

there was a time, unrelated to dementia, when I was caring for my sister who was dying of cancer. I was traveling to and from her city often, 60 miles away, while still trying to take care of my own household and three young children. My sis was kind of estranged from my mom so I couldn’t call on mom to fly in to help. Mom may have had some cognitive decline at that time too. Anyway, I was overwhelmed, my sister needed me desperately but I couldn’t be all things. I called my bro one day and said, “ you have to come here and help me!” It wasn’t a request. Someone had to help me. Unfortunately she unexpectedly died three days later but still. Guess my long story short point is, can you find and delegate the tasks you need help with and request firmly for their help. It’s hard to help when we don’t know how, and if a sibling isn’t willing to help, you may not want them in the ring anyway. You do need a care team, I hope your siblings will step up for all your sakes.

mcook78

In the same boat, unfortunately. My mother's had dementia for several years, but after my dad passed in December, it's become severe. None of my siblings seem to care, none have even seen her since before dad passed. I've been in therapy, thankfully!, which helps to deal with the anger and exhaustion of being her only person. However, I'm also gifted with so many special moments that my siblings do not get. I've also removed them all from my social media, which has helped tremendously (not helpful to see all of the vacations, fun, etc. while I'm living mom's hell with her). I'm her medical and financial POA, and am honored to be. I'm tired, but my focus is mom, and making sure she's as comfortable as can be. So sorry you're going through this; from my experience it will not improve as things get harder - but I hope your siblings do better than mine did!!

corrinelucille

I feel your frustration. In the lead up to my mom's diagnosis my brother, despite living 15 minutes away from my mom compared to my 12 hrs away, was very hands off and would go months without seeing her. As it became more obvious she was struggling with cognitive issues I asked him to check in on her weekly or bi-weekly and got a maybe. It was infuriating and resulted in multiple screaming battles. The short story is now that we have an official diagnosis he is slightly more engaged and will go once a week to sort out payment for her caregivers but it's still not as much as I'd like. I'd start with a clear conversation with your siblings around expectations. Walk them through all that is needed for your mom's care, what you specifically need help with, and how them not helping is personally affecting you. If they can't commit to personally helping, see if they're open to helping you find caregivers. That's what my brother did vs visiting more often. I hope that once they realize how this is impacting you and what exactly is needed they'll step up even a little. good luck and know you're not alone!

daughter76

Hello, I am new here. I am sorry all of you are dealing with the same issue I am living. It's sad to see I am not alone. Since my dad passed away in 2023 I have become my mothers primary caregiver. She has late stage dementia. I have 1 older brother who always had excuses why he couldn't help, working, ballgames, vacation, etc. even now with all of his h
Kids grown he still doesn't see Mom. I have hired full time care while I try to work a full-time job. My husband has stage 3 squamous cell carcinoma throat cancer, I am actually caring for both of them, plus working a 9-5 job 5 days a week. My days start at 5 am and end at 12 am. I am blessed with memories with my mother that my sibling will never have.
But shame on him for allowing dad's life insurance money to be spent on his family's needs instead of my dad's headstone. They blew the money while my husband and I paid off dad's headstone 2 weeks ago. All while paying his medical bills, moms nurse, & supporting moms every need. Out of love.
May him and his family enjoy all their free time at the beach, and their expensive Christmas gifts, while I have our mother and the memories to myself.

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/253551#Comment_253551

welcome. Glad you’re here but not for the reason. Sorry about your Mom and husband’s diagnoses, and your family’s behavior. Sadly this is all too common. One person posted an essay you can search for on this forum entitled “The Cavalry isn’t Coming” and it’s spot on. I’ll try to find it for you and post it here. One tip: when you post again, create a new post with subject line and you will get more replies. Just press the plus sign in the circle at the bottom of the page.

SDianeL

here’s the essay:

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71052/the-cavalry-is-not-coming-9-year-edition

H1235

I have so many posts here about my difficult brother. It is so hard. A difficult situation really shows a person’s true colors. Even then we try to see the good in people. I knew from the start my brother was lazy and wouldn’t help much, but still he is my brother. Almost 3 years later and I have finally realized it is so much worse than that. He does very little to help, pits mom against me, blames me for everything, expects to be involved in all decisions but does nothing to educate himself regarding the decisions that need to be made, he second guesses everything I do and say, insists mom has a right to make her own decisions, puts his inheritance above all else but claims it’s not about the money…… He visits and takes her out to eat, but does nothing to help with important things. He has never taken her to a single appointment for anything ever. There is always an excuse. I have spent the last few years trying to convince him to help, consulting with him on every decision, keeping him updated about every little thing, only to have him throw a monkey wrench into everything I do and stress mom out so much by insisting she can make decisions she is not capable of. I can’t even begin to tell you how stressed I have been trying to get him to be something he is not. I really thought he was a good person. For a while I thought he just doesn’t know how much work and time I am putting into this, but I was wrong. I have recently stopped trying. We no longer speak. I don’t ask his opinion (I’m the DPOA), I just do what needs to be done. It is like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. So sure ask for help, but if you don’t get it, I would just drop it. The effort and stress it takes to convince them to help is not worth it. I would also guess the the “help” you get will cause more problems than it will help. That’s my experience anyway.