When siblings do not help

akinito60

Hi,

I have a mother who was just recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I have 2 other siblings, but they do not move unless I remind them. I am annoyed and frustrated. What can I say or do for them to help out?

mommyandme (m&m)

Hi, welcome to this little niche in the woods. Sorry about your moms diagnosis. It may help to get more information. Do you and your siblings live in close proximity to your mom? Does someone have DPOA? If there’re no POAs in place, that needs to be done ASAP. Sometimes most of a parents care falls on one (the POA optimally). My brother and I worked well together but I eventually did all the hands on care (my choice), he lived out of state.

there was a time, unrelated to dementia, when I was caring for my sister who was dying of cancer. I was traveling to and from her city often, 60 miles away, while still trying to take care of my own household and three young children. My sis was kind of estranged from my mom so I couldn’t call on mom to fly in to help. Mom may have had some cognitive decline at that time too. Anyway, I was overwhelmed, my sister needed me desperately but I couldn’t be all things. I called my bro one day and said, “ you have to come here and help me!” It wasn’t a request. Someone had to help me. Unfortunately she unexpectedly died three days later but still. Guess my long story short point is, can you find and delegate the tasks you need help with and request firmly for their help. It’s hard to help when we don’t know how, and if a sibling isn’t willing to help, you may not want them in the ring anyway. You do need a care team, I hope your siblings will step up for all your sakes.

mcook78

In the same boat, unfortunately. My mother's had dementia for several years, but after my dad passed in December, it's become severe. None of my siblings seem to care, none have even seen her since before dad passed. I've been in therapy, thankfully!, which helps to deal with the anger and exhaustion of being her only person. However, I'm also gifted with so many special moments that my siblings do not get. I've also removed them all from my social media, which has helped tremendously (not helpful to see all of the vacations, fun, etc. while I'm living mom's hell with her). I'm her medical and financial POA, and am honored to be. I'm tired, but my focus is mom, and making sure she's as comfortable as can be. So sorry you're going through this; from my experience it will not improve as things get harder - but I hope your siblings do better than mine did!!

corrinelucille

I feel your frustration. In the lead up to my mom's diagnosis my brother, despite living 15 minutes away from my mom compared to my 12 hrs away, was very hands off and would go months without seeing her. As it became more obvious she was struggling with cognitive issues I asked him to check in on her weekly or bi-weekly and got a maybe. It was infuriating and resulted in multiple screaming battles. The short story is now that we have an official diagnosis he is slightly more engaged and will go once a week to sort out payment for her caregivers but it's still not as much as I'd like. I'd start with a clear conversation with your siblings around expectations. Walk them through all that is needed for your mom's care, what you specifically need help with, and how them not helping is personally affecting you. If they can't commit to personally helping, see if they're open to helping you find caregivers. That's what my brother did vs visiting more often. I hope that once they realize how this is impacting you and what exactly is needed they'll step up even a little. good luck and know you're not alone!