Mom with AD said God had not been good to her, what to say?

TrumpetSwan

I was not sure where to put this post, and not sure there is really a great section for it. Overall, I think my mom is quite miserable. I know, there is a limit to what anyone standing outside a person's mind and heart can really do. I do not think I can make this better.

What do you say to someone who is just unhappy? What do you say to yourself to ease your mind?

My mom has had AD since 2017. She lives independently at home with my exhausted dad. I have done a lot to support when I can. While seeing her on Mother's Day, she was repeating the same stories about her childhood. Her dad died when she was five years old, and her mom died when she was ten. I get that is indeed a tough thing. She just constantly goes over and over about being 'orphaned' and alone. Her mother was engaged to be married, and arranged for her fiance to have legal custody. By all accounts, he raised her with love and dedication as a single parent until mom married my dad. He had a few siblings with kids, so my mom grew up with cousins around. He was "grandpa" to me, and involved in our lives until he died when I was in high school. I always felt like she got a soft landing in spite of a tragic course of early events.

Prior to mom's diagnosis, she would talk about how lucky she was to have been adopted into a happy family. She would say her life was good, and I always agreed with her. However, I always felt like her repeated rehashing was an attempt to convince herself or self-sooth. Sometimes I even wondered if she liked getting empathy from others. I believe it could be trauma she never healed from. She re-tells this over and over. On Mother's Day when she was talking about this again, she said God had not been good to her. Then I felt like I sort of knew how she really felt, in spite of saying how 'lucky she was'.

I feel sad that this is her reality. These are the thoughts that occupy her mind and what she feels in her heart. She has had many blessings, but I am not sure she is able to recognize them or enjoy them.

Do you just acknowledge the life challenge, and gently redirect conversation to something else? Any ideas on how to not go down the drain with this each time? Thank you.

loveskitties

Depression is a part of this disease. Perhaps her PCP or Neuro doc could give her something to help.

The repetitive story telling is also a part of it. This will probably not change until at a stage where most memories are gone.

Iris L.

YOU can repeat better memories to her, even if she does not remember them. PWDs cannot keep two different thoughts at the same time, they are easily distracted. Bring up other topics. She lives in the moment. There is a book called Creating Moments of Joy, which members have gotten good ideas from. I also agree with loveskitties.

Iris

mommyandme (m&m)

My opinion is that you just acknowledge/validate her feelings, forever. Move on or around the conversation as you can. It might drive you bonkers to hear the same stories over and over again but tolerance and patience goes a long way to keeping our LOs safe, calm and comfortable. We do whatever safe things we can to engage them and keep it as peaceful as possible. I’m so sorry that this is you and your dad’s path right now, and your mom’s. Sending you thoughts of peace for today.

harshedbuzz

I feel like part of this behavior is driven by the nature in which memories are lost. PWD tend to lose memories in a LIFO manner. This can result in what feels like them time-traveling to the past. Sadly, your mom's memories of that time may feel "fresher" than they did before she developed dementia. One of the gentleman in my IRL support group was married to a woman who'd been a tween in Belgium during WWII. Both her parents had died and she witnessed her beloved Jewish step-mother hauled off by Nazis. Sadly, this is where she became stuck in the later stages of the disease.

They approached this will an increase in her SSRI medication. He found using validation before a redirection to be the most effective approach for his wife. Reminding her of her happy life with him and their large family agitated her unless he took the time to listen and validate what she was reliving in her mind.

HB

Hope21

TrumpetSwan,

That early stage can be stressful, especially if you cannot get some good break time. Each PWD is unique in some ways i.e. how much they perseverate, how happy or sad the memories are, etc. I agree with Harshedbuzz--"validation before a redirection to be the most effective approach." Reminding Mom of her blessings with later family may agitate her unless you take time to listen and validate what she was reliving in her mind. I took care of an elderly man for 2 weeks for a friend and when I arrived, he told the same story (every time) of meeting his wife during the beginning of WWII. I would listen and ask a few questions, smile, and then gently redirect to another immediately visible topic (usually the great desert). My own mother in the early stage mostly asked repetitive questions rather than repetitive stories. For your Mom, perhaps after listening and acknowledging her feelings, play some music softly in the background to lighten the mood. That always worked for my Mom. I played music from that early period of her life that I saved on her tablet. Pop music-upbeat and/or her favorite church songs.

TrumpetSwan

Just wanted to thank you all for the helpful replies.

Yes, I sort of go bonkers when mom gets teary-eyed and talks about her parent's early death - yet again. I will acknowledge it, then redirect. I suppose I can perhaps pre-plan a simple reply and then repeat as many times as needed. The memories being FILO makes sense, and why she seems somewhat "stuck" in those days of 65 years ago. Thank you.

jfkoc

Maybe a simple "that must feel bad" would suffice.

Jo C.

Going backward in time to earlier and earlier days is a hallmark of Alzheimer's Disease. She, through no fault of her own, has her brain recalling those terrible days of deep loss and feeling them. To validate the feelings would be kind; just with a simple sentence and if it were me, the next thing I would do after the validation would be to put my arms around her and say how much I love her and then re-direct whether with another topic, moving to another space or getting something to eat or giving her a treat, etc.

How sad and insecure that must have been for her during that part of her childhood; those losses tend to stay with a person in heart as well as head; my heart goes out to her.

J.