Living far away from my dad with dementia

LoriB

I live in Washington state and my family lives in Pennsylvania. My dad is in memory care and my sister is nearby, about 5 minutes. Our mom passed away in January very suddenly so it's been extremely difficult. I'm just trying to learn how to cope with everything, especially being so far away.

TomMK

LoriB, i can relate; my mother has lived in another state in memory care for several months. I want to call her more often, but it can get overwhelming for me when she talks about any dislike of being there. I think she’s adjusting. I listen to meditations to cope.

2parents/brain change

Lori, I live between our home in Indiana and my inlaws home in Pittsburgh. Dad in Pittsburgh is in memory care. We live there so my husband can help close out is his life long business. My mom is in Indiana in nursing home care and seems to be in late stage dementia. Sleeping a lot!

There just is no easy way. Lately I have taken up lap swimming and found it extremely useful to me. I think find something that really feels good to you in your soul, walking, biking, reading, gardening, or perhaps you are still working at a job you like.

I also write letters to my mom in my journal. I talk to her in my head as if she is with me.

I only keep company with people who understand and are sensitive to how hard my husband and I are working to keep it together.

All the best, take good care of yourself,

Jenny

minismom5

Hi Lori,

I get it too. I live in Illinois while my dad and step mom split there time between Colorado (at a senior care facility with caregiving) and Maine, where they also get caregiving help. Both my parents have now been diagnosed with dementia/Alzheimer's. My dad is mobile but his mind is deteriorating and he's becoming more frustrated. My step mom is also experiencing memory issues.

Being at a distance is hard. I want to be with them but then I realize that I need to take care of myself. I do try to visit them as often as I can. I just came back from spending about 2 weeks with them. Part of me wants to be near them more, and part of me finds it emotionally difficult.

Thankfully, I do have 3 other siblings plus our spouses, and then a caregiving team in each location. But it still makes it hard. We are trying to keep them out of memory care as long as possible. We know they want to stay independent.

This is crazy journey we are on and I working hard to cherish each moment I can have with them. I want to have many happy memories to carry me for when they do pass away. As as another person said, we do have to take care of ourselves. Do activities that you enjoy. Because we can only give with how much we have inside us.

Take care but know that there are others of us who are having similar experiences. All my best.

mountainloon

It is not easy. I life in Washington State and my mom is in a nursing home in NY. First it was my dad who fell in 2021 and with his dementia had to go into a nursing home. Covid complicated things a lot because we couldn't see him at first. I took multiple trips back and forth. Dad died in early 2022 and then mom was truly alone. There is really no family near them. They were homebodies and never wanted to move closer to family and we were unable to move back due to job situations. It was very scary to have mom alone, we had friends and services checking in on her. We moved her in to assisted living near her home in Jan. We thought it would be a good fit as she had a good friend that lived there. She did not want to move near us. Less than two weeks after moving into assisted living, she fell and broke her hip and had to go into rehab. Due to her diabetes and other issues, she was not able to move back to assisted living and went to the nursing home. There is a lot of guilt not being nearby, especially when outsiders do not know the family dynamics and real situation. A lot of trips back and forth.

Are you close with your sister? Can she help with phone calls or zoom chats? I know it is really hard to be so far away and not able to be there. Holidays are hard as well. There is the guilt for not being there but it isn't always possible to be there for all the holidays. Find things to do that calm you and that you enjoy. A walk, music, a talk with a good friend who understands or just listens, gardening. The most important thing is to give yourself grace and not be too hard on yourself. You need time to take care of yourself as well. Life hands us situations that are not in our control. We do the best we can with what we have.