Can't be satisfied

KimberALZ

In the past 6 months my mom has moved 4 times, the last being just 3 weeks ago, and she is already desperate to move again. She is currently in assisted living and feels she can live in her own apartment/home, which she is unable to manage. We are at a complete loss how to calm her down and encourage her to find peace and happiness where she is. She is currently in an absolutely lovely, huge 1 bedroom in a beautiful facility. She wasn't happy in her own home or my sister's home. Anyone experience something similar and any ideas how to respond? We can't keep dropping everything to accommodate her latest and immediate need to move on. Thank you so much for guidance.

Emily 123

Right. You can't. She isn't able to use logic or reasoning anymore. She may have anosognosia, which is basically the inability to be aware of the changes the disease is creating. You need to give her time to settle in. She's not going to be happy anywhere you move her, since It's going to be a new environment to her for weeks or months . As she can't create memories that make her new home familiar to her, every day will be new and disorienting for a while, and that will make her anxious and unhappy. That part of the disease is going to be an issue no matter where you move her. Sameness to her days will help her, but she's going to need a lot of wash-rinse-repeat to make the daily routine of the place 'stick'. It took my mom about 6 weeks to settle in, about 3 months to develop a routine to the point she seemed comfortable. Your mileage may vary, and some folks can never settle in. That said, if you're taking her out of the facility a lot, consider backing off on outings for now. Same things with visits and calls-short and sweet at first.Talk with the staff and see what they think.

Fiblets: It's ok to deploy fiblets and divert or even end conversations if she starts to become anxious. After one trip to look at an AL with my mom it became clear to me (finally!) that she couldn't retain information to make those choices anymore, so I went on my own. Once moved, I kept pointing out the nice things about the place and telling her that she had chosen the place because it had x, y, and z. It made sense to her that she had looked at multiple places and made a decision on where to live, because she can't imagine that she didn't have a say in the choice. For instance, she really wanted a bedroom that was separated a bit from a sitting area, and we were able to find that, and so..'well, you know Mom, you liked it here best because of the setup, and so many of the places we looked at didn't have a separate bed room. I think you made a great choice.'' Over time she came to feel that she had been the one to choose her facility, and I feel like that makes her like it better.

If you haven't read this yet, I found it very helpful: https://www.smashwords.com/extreader/read/210580/2/understanding-the-dementia-experience/Medium,Arial,Black,White,One-and-a-Half

Quilting brings calm

Stop moving her. My parent’s PCP gave me the following advice when my step-dad kept saying he didn’t need to be in an AL. ‘They won’t be happy whatever you do, they aren’t capable of it. You’ve got them somewhere safe and that’s what is important.’

It took them a long time to settle in. Covid restrictions happened 4 months after they moved in and they didn’t like being confined to the property.

You are letting someone who can’t live independently control you. I know some people say not to treat dementia patients like children- but you can’t let them make decisions as to where they live because they aren’t capable of making major decisions. It also takes a long time for them to feel comfortable. Routines help with that. Moving disrupts routines.

Just change the subject when she starts asking to move.. or end the visit or phone call.

harshedbuzz

It will take time for her to settle in.

The other consideration is that, if this is a true hospitality-model AL, she may struggle with the social piece as the other residents will likely not engage with her once they get a sense that's she's had a cognitive shift. As a result, she may not get the socialization and enjoy the amenities for which she is paying. My aunt was bullied in AL because she couldn't keep up with their games (accused of cheating at BINGO) or conversations.

For now, I would kick the can forward telling her you will start looking for another place once her lease is up. If she's not settling in by the fall, you might consider a move to a MCF where she'll get more attention and activities will be dementia-informed.

HB