Just need support

Momof3

I just joined this forum and am so glad I found it. My mom is 90 and was diagnosed with ALZ 3.5 years ago. It has been a slow but steady decline. We moved her closer to us before her diagnosis to a senior facility with IL, AL, MC & SN. She started in IL and moved to AL about a year ago when she was having trouble with her meds. We had to move her to MC only 4 month after that because it was clear she needed more assistance. She is constantly saying we should move her to the NH at "home" b/c she would know more people. In reality, all but one of her friends are deceased and "home" is 3 hours away from me. It is not an option. Lately, she has gotten very angry and hostile towards me. I am the one who is with her the most as my sis lives 2 hours away. I know it isn't her, and it is the disease, but when she calls to ask me to come over every morning and I tell her I can't it turns into "just leave me here with strangers" and "you don't love me". She breaks my heart. Sometimes I just don't answer the phone because I know she is safe at her facility and it will just be her yelling at me. I do really try! I go and see her and try to take her to church and to our house for lunch on Sundays. But by the next day she doesn't remember and accuses me of not caring and "leaving her alone with strangers".
Sorry for the long post, I just joined and had to let it all out. Hope you all have a blessed day with your LOs.

NC1224

Momof3,

I am also new here and have not even posted anything yet. I honestly don't have any advice as I have just started reading the forums because I too am desperately looking for answers and advice. I just wanted to comment to let you know that you have been heard and I can totally relate. This disease is awful and I am sure there will be other more experienced members who will have some encouragement and good advice. Hang in there....

Emily 123

You can't help how her brain is functioning now, and how it makes the world seem to her, or how it affects her perception of time passing. You certainly can't help that she can't remember your visits or calls. Your mom from 'before' would thank you for the love and grace you've shown her. Don't beat yourself up and do give yourself some days off.

M1

Welcome to the forum. May sound harsh, but have you thought about taking the phone away? The not answering is wise but is still making you feel guilty, obviously. My partner has been in MC for over a year and none of the residents have phones. This is in two different facilities.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Anonymousjpl123

You sound like me! I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. It’s horrific. Yes, it is true and amazing that your mom is in a safe place. I am very glad for that and you should feel proud of yourself for making that happen. It’s not easy.

it is so counterintuitive, but I had to set boundaries. my mom is in an AL facility with MC. I go twice a week, more if something comes up. She forgets, so when I see her she often says “I haven’t seen you in weeks!” I just correct her and say “no you saw me 3 days ago.” The key is, because I AM committed to not losing it myself, and I am making sure I stay grounded, I don’t get as annoyed at her as I used to. She has made a couple of friends. She’s much much better being somewhere safe with nutritious meals and company with people like her.

nowhere you take her will feel like “home.” Someone here explained to me that she is looking for a sense of home that doesn’t exist anymore. What I can say is that as a caregiver, not falling into a rabbit hole of losing sight of your own life is one of the kindest things you can give. It will make it possible for you to stay connected without just completely resenting her.

Phone calls? I haven’t figured that one out yet. I can’t bring myself to take her phone, but I do block her calls for some periods of the day when I’m at work. It helps.

i hope this helps. You are definitely not alone.

BookBuffBex

@Momof3 We get that from my mom. My mom in the one with ML, but she is in AL with my dad. My dad has his own health issues, but still enjoys going out and doing things, which has become way to confusing for my mom. If we leave her at "home", she calls him constantly wanting to know when he's coming back and saying that she's hungry and he should bring her a sandwich. If we tell her to call for an aide to ask for a sandwich, she refuses saying she doesn't want help from strangers. Right now, the only thing 'saving' me from being in the same boat as you is my dad. The few times my dad has been in the hospital, I get those same phone calls. It's awful and I'm so sorry you are going through this. Does re-directing your mom help at all? If you tell her you'll be there soon, will she forget and move on with her day? My mom was only diagnosed 6 months ago, but I am learning that it is important to set boundaries for yourself. Good luck!!!