Moving closer to adult children

mrahope

My DH was diagnosed as having "mild dementia" in December. He has been angry, agitated and uncooperative. Lately he even has broken down in tears when he can't remember what he wants to. Seeing this, my son and DIL have urged me to move to the town where they live. They've been urging this for several months, but most strongly this past weekend as my son had visited and seen his Dad.

They live in a university town about 4 hours from us. We live in the suburbs of a large city. The way I see it, there are a lot of pluses, but some minuses. Pluses are: support for me and daily contact with my granddaughter, lower cost of living in the new area, less traffic and pollution (the area where they live is in the mountains). The minuses are less access to specialized medical care and the possibility that my adult children could move away, leaving us stranded (although they assure me that's not the case).

What have others done/considered about this issue? I know research is a must.

Beachfan

mrahope,

I can only comment from a slightly different perspective. My daughter and family live in the town where she was raised, so we were already close. (DH and I sold the large family home several blocks away and moved into a renovated carriage house on daughter’s property, so we were closer still.) My son and family moved “ home” several years ago as DH steadily progressed with Alz. Presently, there are 7 of 9 grandkids within walking distance of our home. Family presence has been a godsend these past several years as DH’s condition deteriorated and he eventually passed in April. ( He had resided in a MCF for the last 17 months of his life.)

Your “pluses” are definitely pluses for me; as for the minuses, I didn’t feel the need to seek specialized medical care for DH; his progression was typically textbook. (I understand your situation may be different). I guess for me, the bottom line was having kids and grandkids close; just their proximity lightened the load. The adults are all working at demanding jobs and the grandkids are all over the place with their activities, but at the end of the day or in a pinch, they were “right there”. Our third child, a son, lives across the country and he had a tough time with his dad’s disease; I could tell how much he hurt through the whole ordeal.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Take time to research even more pros and cons; circumstances change on a dime as this disease progresses. It’s not easy.

Ed1937

The problem is that we just don't know what's in the future. We don't know what we're going to need. Our situation was much like Beachfan's. We had family nearby, and that helped. We never needed any special dementia medical care. But other medical care was available, as were two hospitals.

ThisLife

Our son wanted us closer to him as my H became more difficult to deal with. I had some challenges with finding repair people that weren't trying to rip me off. I moved across the country where I had plenty of support for me, not necessarily with H. My son made a lot of promises but not much action. DIL is totally uninvolved, and Grandsons are very involved in school and work. I don't have my friends here. I'm sentenced to this house because H is no longer safe alone. I'd have some serious discussions about how they are willing to help and what you will need that you do not have where you are at.

Jeff86

DW’s children are not local, and we have not had hands on family support on this journey. I think it would have been nice to have.

We also live outside a large city, and in earlier stages we dragged ourselves to a number of top or highly recommended doctors and Alz units. I felt an urgency to try everything possible, but truthfully it chewed up a lot of time and cost a lot of money without altering the progression of the disease. Access to world class medicine is of very limited utility, in my opinion, particularly as AD progresses. After all, we are focusing on treating symptoms, not the underlying disease. Alas.

M1

Mra, i would make the decisions based on what will help You the most. You need to weigh the support from your son and DIL and granddaughter (a big plus in my book too) against what friends and support you have in your current community. I can see how that might be a tough call for some. The more his disease progresses, the less he will care where he is and the more dependent on you he is likely to become, and so what will support you is what will matter in the long run. I agree entirely with Jeff that specialty care doesn't have a lot to offer. But you may want to research memory care facilities in both places, because that may matter.

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harshedbuzz

@mrahope

I read your post last night and thought on it a bit before replying.

Some thoughts. I'm sorry they're so scattered-

My TL;DR answer is that given your age you should choose the area in which you want to live now and in Stage 8 aka widowhood. Do what is best for you. Full stop.

If you have a deep social life apart from your husband with dear friends, book clubs, your garden, museums, and activities, it might make sense to stay put and hire the help you will need going forward. If you feel the draw of family and this offers you the chance to have your young grandchildren grow up with you and that's your jam, the move might be better.

I am my parents' surviving child. I did move my parents back to the area in which they raised me. I was 60-ish at the time and have a ridiculously supportive husband, a useful adult son and a terrific niece who helped me. I also had the time as I wasn't working. They helped me with the logistics of staging/selling and moving 2 homes into an apartment and storage unit and then into a home in the space of 5 months. I also assisted with all of the administrative stuff around getting her a license, cars registered, insured and shipped north plus swapping out some of the bank accounts and safe deposit boxes. I had to assemble a medical team for them both while tracking down records from 3 different states. The above is to say that moving is a big job.

I will say, that should you decide to move, it is probably best to not involve your DH unless he's in favor of the move and very early stages. I found it best to move my parents into their new digs and then deal with the houses. Dad was in rehab when I set up the apartment and I put them both up in a hotel the weekend I moved them into the house while my DS, niece and I scrambled to unpack everything. You may find a move results in a slight downturn in your DH's level of functioning; I didn't see this, but most folks do report it.

My mom was a bit older than you at the time of dad's diagnosis. We were able to find her a nice 55+ community with all of the amenities she enjoyed in her places in FL and MD but even in widowhood and free of caregiving, she has not been able to create a social life for herself. She's 85 now and when I go with her to her pool or an activity, the 70-ish residents are all chatty with me and ignore her. She has some friends from the area from when she moved 20 years ago, but they've drifted apart, and she's become very isolated. Making friends is hard when you're older.

Medical care mattered to me. It might not to you. Dad didn't need world-class care; he was diagnosed in the middle stages of mixed dementia and we weren't looking to prolong his life with dementia. Mom, on the other hand, is medically complex. The woman sees 16 medical professionals on an at least yearly basis. The care she had in coastal MD and central FL was very spotty- now she has a terrific team managing her many issues.

I feel like you need to have a very candid conversation with both DS and DDIL about expectations.

Is moving close strictly for their convenience? Trust me, I get not liking the travel to get to see my parents. When they were in MD, I could drive to them in about 4 hours unless I hit "shore traffic". But, when they were in FL it was a flight into MCO and a car rental which can be tricky to arrange when it's Presidents Day weekend and the hospital social worked called me as an emergency contact because they'd picked up on dad's deficits and mom needed an advocate. Let's just say flying into "The Happiest Place of Earth" when you're hoping your mom is alive when you get there is a strange experience. This was the situation that caused me to push hard for the move-- my mom nearly died with him as her medical advocate.

If they're offering support, what does that look like to them? A difference in definitions between parent and adult child often leads to real bitterness when a parent upends their life and doesn't get as much support as they assumed they'd have. It may not be worth moving if they're thinking of the ease of a weekly one-hour drive-by visit without the 4 hour drive.

What commitments do they have? Are they busy with careers, further education, children (the older ones needs as much looking after as the littles in many respects), friends? Even if the mean well, they just might not have the time to commit to you as an on-going project.

Is your DS thinking he'll assume some of the "man-of-the-house" honey-do stuff like lawn care or taking the car in for an oil change? Is DIL thinking she'll order your groceries when she orders her own when you'd rather a break to wander around Kroger all by yourself?

Are they willing to stay with DH for a couple of days several times a year to provide respite so you can visit your friends and family? Are they up for pitching in when things get gnarly? Are they capable of being accused of all manner of crimes with humor and grace? How do they feel about changing Depends and bedding multiple times a day so you can attend a show and have lunch with a friend?

So I did move my parents. And it was the right choice for our family. But it did come with significant personal costs. My mother has lost her network of friends and is isolated; some of this was unavoidable as many died off, but others are still out there having happy hour without her. She had some vision changes that prevent her from driving and while she can walk to her cute town center for shopping and restaurants, she's much more dependent on me for transportation and socialization which makes her feel like a burden and pains her. I don't feel like she is a burden, but I do feel a tremendous responsibility for her emotional well-being.

HB

mrahope

I can't thank all of you enough for your comments and wisdom. I am very seriously thinking about doing this because I have seen my son and DIL really "step up", especially recently. For example, my DH ended up in the ER this past Friday and even though nothing was found, my DS insisted on driving the four hours to see his dad. Another factor is that my DIL is a stay at home mom, so would have a bit more time to be around. She's also had some nursing training and acted as a caregiver for her grandmother in the grandmother's last months. I think they both see this as a more or less even exchange, where I could help them with care of my granddaughter (I've done so in the past, before DH got this bad) and they might help me with him. I'm honestly wondering about what their expectations are and plan to get more specific with both of them.

As far as medical care, I think you all are right. Maybe we don't need as much specialized care for DH as we once did. And as for me, up to this point, I rarely see specialists. So maybe that isn't a limiting factor.

I am very cognizant that I may risk getting isolated, as you pointed out, Harshedbuzz. On the other hand, I retired just as the pandemic took hold, and while I had developed at least one important interest, I haven't had the ability to get out as much as I've wished. That being said, my biggest support system is my two sisters, because we talk daily online. One lives locally, but the other is about 4 hours away, also.

So much to think about.

DorisEmma

In a few days my DH and I will make the move to be near our only child, her husband and our only grandchild. From the beginning of my DH's diagnosis, our daughter and I agreed that when the time came for memory care, we would place him near her. She lives 2 states away, in a large city while we live in a small town with good resources. I debated about taking my DH away from the scenery he loves and his past co-workers/friends, but realized with time that my DH will not remember the scenery and the friends are getting older, have their own needs and although they and other friends are helpful when I needed them, they do not come regularly and I would always be the main caregiver. I have 24 hours/week caregiver, but my DH will not accept her and his agitation about her being here is directed at me. Right now she is here, but he is angry and staying in bed. My physician, who is also his physician, and my friends have encouraged me to place him in memory care for my own physical and mental health. While I have friends here, I cannot participate as much as I wish in activities and events due to caring for him. I have decided not to sell our home at this time, to put that decision on the shelf for now. I will spend about 1/2 of the year in the city with my daughter and family and the other half in the town we now live. I will then have the opportunity to visit my aging siblings who are older than me and I have not seen in years. After some struggle, my daughter and I have found a memory care only facility in her city. So far we have been very appreciative of the support they have given us. It is difficult leaving a home where my DH and I have lived for over 40 years, where we both have spent many hours maintaining and landscaping this home. At the same time, I look forward to seeing my grandson grow, learning new gardening techniques in a different climate, and finding more friends. I also look forward to being a wife again and not a caregiver. My counselor once said to me - there is no wrong answer - this is all new areas for me and all I can do is make a choice that I think will best benefit me since I feel I have a life to live beyond caring for my husband.